this post was submitted on 18 Jul 2025
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The Onion

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(Washington DC) As questions swirl about the Epstein files, DC locals have noticed a new rental listing in the area: the White House. The official White House web page lists availability and pricing to stay a night in the famous bedrooms on the property. Several rooms are already booked for weeks at a time, even with pricing sometimes reaching $1 million per night (including DC area room taxes and fees). Opinions are mixed on the legality and even value of the listings.

“This is a novelty purchase,” said one sheik who asked not to be identified. “One must usually be a head of state to stay here, but now, at last, the ultra rich can add their importance to the building.”

“I have rented the Lincoln Bedroom for a week,” he added. “It’s supposed to be haunted. At the price I am paying, I hope the soft moans of Karoline Leavitt will be heard outside the room, if you know what I mean.”

Other parties are eager for the rooms as well. Sergey Naryshkin, head of Russian intelligence, says “we have little need for additional ears in the White House, but we have rented some rooms as a show of support to the current administration.” His show of support is being echoed by parties all over the world, eager show their interest in the needs of the president.

“I hear Xi Jinping was browsing the website,” trump mentioned in a press briefing, supposedly about US sharing of nuclear technology but which quickly became a sales pitch for the plan. “I’m not saying any of you can afford it, but certainly you can show this to your business owners…. Not you, Kristen, Rupert [Murdoch] already has a room.”

Some on the left are concerned about the program, and especially the “loyalty points” program rumored to be attached to the stay. Per Anderson Cooper: “100,000 points and ‘we pardon any problems with your stay,’ I’m hearing. I feel we should really bring that up with an adult, if one is left in the room.”

No adults could be reached by newstime.

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[–] ramble81@lemmy.zip 46 points 1 week ago (3 children)

Fuck me, I didn’t just eat it, I swallowed the damn thing whole.

[–] ShaggySnacks@lemmy.myserv.one 11 points 1 week ago

I'm with you on that one. I deep fried that onion and turned into a bloomin onion; then proceeded to eat it.

[–] DeceasedPassenger@lemmy.world 2 points 1 week ago

Happened to me too. Tasty stuff indeed, went down nice and easy.

[–] Cethin@lemmy.zip 1 points 1 week ago

I got to the Russia one and realized it's be weird for a news agency to report something in that manner. That's the first time I doubted it. This absolutely seems like something Trump would do, especially a Trump looking for a distraction for his (potentially former) pedophilia habit.

[–] cannedtuna@lemmy.world 20 points 1 week ago (1 children)

If you wrote this, it’s fantastic.

[–] bradorsomething@ttrpg.network 10 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (1 children)

I did, although I feel some of it was over the top. Only 100k for a pardon? That’s ridiculous.

[–] Plagiatus@lemmy.world 2 points 1 week ago

You never said how many points you gain, so it's quite fair.

[–] reddig33@lemmy.world 15 points 1 week ago

Getting harder and harder to tell when it’s satire.

[–] breecher@sh.itjust.works 6 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Don't give them any more ideas. They will seriously do this.

[–] bradorsomething@ttrpg.network 1 points 1 week ago

Trump would totally call a serious-sounding press conference and do a timeshare presentation.

[–] makingStuffForFun@lemmy.ml 4 points 1 week ago

Trump is such a dick, that it seemed so believable, that I swallowed the whole thing.

[–] HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world 2 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Thank you for including the text. I am more likely to fall for it if I don't see that green heading

[–] bradorsomething@ttrpg.network 3 points 1 week ago (1 children)

This isn’t the onion, this is ~~Folgers Crystals~~ a Lemmy original by me.

I can't believe it's not the onion! Stays crunchy, even in milk!

Well written dude