The Onion

I feel like such an idiot for forgetting that today was the day we were supposed to dismantle capitalism, but now I’m standing in line for a Cronut.

Admitting that his prior beliefs regarding conflagrations had been formed out of ignorance, longtime U.S. Forest Service icon Smokey Bear issued a statement Monday claiming that his views on wildfires had evolved.

“It’s been fun these past ten years or so. We had a blast inserting ourselves into your celebration. But the time has come for us to live our truths. And now...

“The game itself is basically the same. Sure, the goalposts have moved, there’s more passing, and science has shown that the sport causes brain damage, but a...

After years of having absolutely no parking, today Sound Transit’s Mount Baker Station celebrated the opening of its new one-of-a-kind one-stall Park and Ride to a Psychiatrist.

As if Seattle’s crazed socialist mayor hadn’t oppressed the city’s car drivers enough already with new bus-only lanes for her Route 8 stretch limo, today Mayor Katie Wilson reminded everyone that “trains-only” train tracks are for trains only, not cars.

After yet another week of hearing humans ask them to sink billionaire yachts for them, today local orca pods announced they’re getting a little sick and tired of being asked all the time to do humans’ dirty work for them.

“I am asking $400 for all 847 pieces. This is not a joke. The $400 is firm, but also, I want to be clear, extremely negotiable.”

“The remaining 5 percent concerns only the final portion of the hill, the tendency of the boulder to inevitably roll back down to the very beginning, the ete...

“This is a rare opportunity to shape our AI with your expertise and nuance so it can thrive in the space where it is most useful: the dorm room of a freshman...

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg surprised Seattle Tuesday night when the billionaire unexpectedly docked a massive, five-story annual salary of 1,400 laid-off Meta workers in Lake Union.

(Washington DC) As republican voters seem less eager to go to the polls, the White House has unveiled a plan to increase voter turn out for their base. “You get to vote,” exclaimed trump at a rally Thursday. “Republicans only. You get to decide who we attack next.”

Democratic lawmakers condemned the measure. “The midterm elections are for all Americans,” said Senate minority leaser Chuck Schumer. “You can’t just allow one party to vote on a war. That would require a primary.”

But voters are expressing renewed interest in choosing a foreign invasion target, with names such as North Korea, France, and even California being suggested by republican voters. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Delaware, said, “honestly, anywhere would be good, because I’m pretty sure I used to work on a yacht in those Epstein files… and we just don’t wanna go there.”

The White House says all names are on the table, and a write-in campaign is encouraged.

“These days, if the president wants to get back at a political enemy, he just sics the DOJ on them without any pretense. Where’s the style? Where’s the panac...

After weeks of Starbucks leadership telling every major newspaper in the country how mean Seattle Mayor Katie Wilson’s been to them by publicly not liking them, today she formally apologized saying she thought they knew everyone here including herself hated them already.

Future Millionaires Tax payers panicked about how they’re ever going to afford their fifth home if they have to one day pay a 9% tax on all annual income over $1 million were assured today that all they have to do is cut back on a few lattes.

“I hardly ever do this. I have not, nor would I ever, wander this cavernous warehouse in search of free handouts. No, my breath stinks of chicken pot sticker...

The artificial intelligence company announced the data center will be positioned in the heart of the small, race car-themed bedroom where 8-year-old Billy Treaker fights a rare kidney disease on a daily basis.