The Onion

WASHINGTON—Saying that despite recent events, it would do everything in its power to continue obscuring the truth, The Washington Post published an editorial Thursday defending the FBI’s recent raid on its reporter.

“As journalists, we stand united behind the U.S. government’s decision to investigate our colleague Hannah Natanson, search her home, and seize several of her electronic devices,” read the piece, which was signed by the famed newspaper’s editorial board and outlined the many ways in which Natanson deserved to be punished for doing her job conducting investigative reporting into the Trump administration.

“The Washington Post has a long history of groundbreaking journalism, and we invite FBI director Kash Patel to raid, arrest, or jail anyone involved with such efforts. In the United States, federal agents are born with certain unalienable rights.

We cannot in good conscience allow our reporters to infringe upon that freedom.” At press time, the famed newspaper’s readership had reportedly skyrocketed after the editorial board called on President Donald Trump to publicly execute its entire staff.

(Copenhagen) As the US searches for the next distraction from the Epstein Files release, Denmark has taken a new approach to keep their protectorate of Greenland safe. Yesterday, the Danish government announced Greenland could be purchased by the US if the US president did twenty consecutive pushups.

“Twenty in a row, all the way up and down, no girl pushups,” said Danish foreign minister Lars Løkke Rasmussen. Trump called the terms unfair, citing a note from his doctor saying his wrist was hurt. “These terms are ridiculous, no man can do this. I can do this obviously, but I have a note. I’m the healthiest man on earth, but the doctor says I can’t go, otherwise Greenland would already be mine. Ours. I’m way too healthy… they should put me on that space station, that’s what I’m really telling you.” He made these remarks while playing 18 holes of golf at his New Jersey golf course.

If not able to do pushups, Danish officials said he could be televised running a 6-minute mile, or taking a math test on fractions. The White House says the Danes are stalling. “These are ridiculous terms to embarrass the president and America,” said press secretary Karoline Leavitt. “Fractions are too difficult when the needs to Americans are at stake.”

Not all republicans feel the offer is a bad deal. Leo Sturbgetter, an Illinois-based cow detangler, said “I do twenty pushups every morning, I know for certain my president does at least fifty. He probably wants to do them one-handed, and I understand his concern with the note and all.”

Greenland remained free at press time.

(Zürich, Switzerland) As tensions mount between the US and Iran, FIFA, the world governing body for football, released a press statement reiterating that their Peace Prize only involved match play as regulated by the sports authority. “This prize is only related to events occurring during football match play, on the pitch, during the time of regulation play.”

In December, FIFA awarded US president donald trump the peace prize, almost one month before the US attacked the capital of Venezuela and kidnapped their President, during a brief lull in US extrajudicial killings in the Gulf of Mexico. Trump called the award “one of the great honors of my life.”

FIFA notes that there have been no red cards issued since the award was presented, and trump himself has never been carded while on the field.

The announcement has caused some anger in Tehran, where officials are calling out FIFA for pulling sponsorship of continuous games being scheduled at air bases and military facilities around Iran, saying the games were only an attempt to use the good reputation of the peace prize to prevent attacks. FIFA called the move “so low, even we would rarely attempted it.”

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/41508279

(Minneapolis, MN) As Minnesotans remain pissed, ICE officers now can’t - or they have to drive back to the station to do so. Local businesses have begun placing signs denying entry to ICE officers for any purpose not serving a warrant, hampering their efforts and drawing loud anger from the White House. At a 7-11 in downtown Minneapolis, local police have been called repeatedly to remove ICE officers trespassing on private property, as this new form of protest takes hold.

“This is illegal,” trump said in remarks while playing golf at his club in Mara Lago Saturday. “Police can do whatever they want, ICE even more so. They can shoot anyone and they’re resisting arrest. It’s like Gaza, but better.”

Not so, says Minnesota State Police. “These are public businesses refusing service to people believed to be dangerous. We will continue to support the rights of businesses in our communities.”

The trump administration was furious when a judge denied a warrant for any officer to go into every convenience store, applebees, or costco food court, “due to the high likelihood of crime.” The decision is being taken to the Supreme Court Monday, on an emergency appeal.

In the meantime, ICE officers can be seen running into malls to use public bathrooms before the cops arrive, and can be seen eating military MREs, as the federal government works to ship them food from conservative vendors.

The irony has been noted by homeless members of the community. Leo Sturbgetter, a Minnesota cow detangler who lives in his car, said “they keep coming up to us asking to buy them food and cigarettes, but hell, they should know even a homeless person doesn’t want to be seen with that kind of trash.”

The Supreme Court is expected to rule Monday.

(Washington DC) As anger stretches across parts of the US from the murder of Renee Good by ICE agent Jonathan Ross, comparisons to the failed rule of Benito Mussolini, the fascist dictator of Italy in World War 2, are beginning to surface around the internet. This is drawing anger from the White House, which insists Hitler is a much better comparison.

“The president is a strong leader with a strong military and fanatical supporters,” said press secretary Karoline Leavitt on Friday. “Much like Hitler, he is rounding up people who disagree with our policies, and starting conflicts to expand our territory.” Leavitt refused points from reporters that Mussolini did the same things, and insisted that Benito Mussolini sounded more like a pasta dish than a description of the president. “I would eat Mussolini all day if you offered.”

Trump also seemed angry at the comparison. At a golf game celebrating his 300th day golfing since reelection, he reacted strongly to questions from reporters. “Definitely Hitler,” he said. “Strong. Not the other guy. You just have to wait for our plan for trans people, you’ll get it. Ask the Jews, they know.” He refused to elaborate further.

Supporters say they’re alarmed by the comparisons to a weaker strongman. “It’s Hitler or nothing,” said one supporter, who asked not to be named due to his employment by ICE. “The comparison to Hitler is what got a lot of us onboard in the first place. I wish I knew who said it, I could just shoot someone right now.” That concern seems common to many republicans. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in central Kentucky, said, “I only back a winner. If he’s. Mussolini, we have the same backbone and ethics as the Italians did.”

WASHINGTON—Circulating a new advisory that highlighted what it called the “worst of the worst,” the Department of Homeland Security released a watchlist Friday warning Americans about the presence of mothers driving cars. “Please be on the lookout for the following mothers, who are confirmed to be in possession of dangerous vehicles and should be met with extreme caution,” said DHS Secretary Kristi Noem, who stressed that the women on the list were known caregivers operating inside the United States and cited intelligence gathered by the Department of Justice, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and local Parent Teacher Associations. “If you see a minivan with a ‘Baby on board’ sticker, do not engage—many of these women are armed with juice boxes and will not hesitate to use a wet wipe on your face. Maintain a safe distance from any compact SUVs playing Bluey on their entertainment systems. The DOJ has opened an anonymous tip line for reporting any sightings of a car seat in your area.” Noem also warned the public to avoid locations where the exceedingly nurturing individuals were known to congregate, like the school pickup line around 3 p.m.

(Copenhagen) A war of words is brewing online, between the US president and Bjork - the famed Icelandic musician and activist. Between golf games Saturday, donald trump announced that US maps would now show the country of Greenland as “Goldland,” given the immense value of the mostly unpopulated country. “We are moving in and it’s all gold… gold on the ground, gold in the sky… it’s beautiful how golden it is.” The US has gained attention for trying to rename The Gulf of Mexico last year.

This prompted Bjork to post on social media: “I am a dream that cries, from the highest ice that is gold but melts in a mama’s arms,” which appeared to incense the president. He quickly responded to her post: “low energy, low talent, and low octane from Venezuela. Win win win. Thank you for your attention on this matter.” The two have been engaged in a back and forth argument for several hours, as media outlets wonder why the president’s aides and staff don’t cut him off, as statements such as “NAVY SEALS ON THE WAY YOU DIE” are met with “Pork chop pork chop pork chop Coca-cola green beat dip fairy party, as the world watches in fascination.

“We assume the president has locked himself in a room with a great deal of ketamine,” said a White House journalist close to the matter. None of the staff are allowed in the building, not that they are allowed this close to [Vice President] JD Vance’s pillow fort normally.” A spokesperson for the Secret Service says that the president is not physically in danger, although crying. Bjork’s press agent said she could not comment on the artist’s side of the conversation.

Most alarming to Republican legislators is the outcry of support from their base, supporting Bjork’s arguments in the incomprehensible rambling from both sides. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Missouri, said “yeah I’ve had a three porkchop and coca-cola day, maybe he should lay off the girl and attack the Democrats some more. That girl danced with a giant cat once. Leave her alone.”

WASHINGTON—Stressing that he was prepared to remain in the role for as long as necessary, President Donald Trump claimed Monday that he would marry Venezuelan first lady Cilia Adela Flores de Maduro.

“Until we can find a suitable long-term replacement, I’ll be married to Mrs. Maduro,” Trump said in a news conference in which he repeatedly insisted his position as Flores de Maduro’s temporary spouse would not interfere with his current obligations to Melania Trump.

“Cilia is a woman with tremendous potential who’s been hampered for too long because of a corrupt and illegitimate husband. So I’m going to step in as her dearly beloved for the foreseeable future while we figure out a way to give her a proper wedding day.”

Trump added that his planned honeymoon with the Venezuelan first lady would not cost the American taxpayer “a single cent” because of the involvement of domestic oil companies.

https://theonion.com/nicolas-maduro-charged-with-felony-oil-possession/

(Caracas) As the aftermath of Saturday’s US attack on Venezuela is being assessed, alarming reports from the city show 3 hospitals, including a children’s hospital, were targeted and hit repeatedly during the fighting. The Air Force is blaming a new joint US-Israeli targeting system, Shepherd’s Arrow, for the damage.

“We tell the system to detect viable targets, and it paints the targets our bombs will strike,” explained an Air Force briefer. “We were told to trust the technology.”

Speaking off the record, US pilots note that they tried to retarget the laser several times, but on several attempts, once established, the lock could not be removed. “The most disheartening part is that when it hit the children’s hospital, it showed a pop-up window saying, ‘oh no, that was terrible, what happened.’ You don’t make a window for something like that unless you know it will happen.”

White House officials say they see nothing wrong with the results, and consider it possible the system was not put in narco-terrorist mode, but rather standard terrorist. “When in narco-terrorist the screen will have a burnt siena overlay, like you’re in Mexico in a cartel tv show. If you’re in standard terrorist mode, it can choose anything and call it a valid target.”

An IDF spokesperson says the system may have seen things to suspect a terrorist hideout at the building. “They have tunnels,” he said. “You never know what’s under a building until you collapse it.”