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(New York) As today’s court hearings were held for suspected shooter Luigi Mangioni in the case involving the death of a healthcare executive, an injury related to the case was reported at the prison where he is held. Three boxes of women’s underwear reportedly fell from a high shelf in the undergarments section of the warehouse housing items mailed to the defendant, causing “a mild concussion” to one of the guards in the area. Prosecutors say Mangioni may also be charged for the guard’s injuries in the trial.

“We get it,” said one guard from the facility. “He’s smoking hot. But when you mail him your underwear, you don’t think about the damage you can cause.”

“Also, the smell,” he added.

Mangioni had been held without bail for over a year since his arrest, and fans have been sending support ever since. The prison has hired two staffers to handle marriage proposals, along with housing two warehouses of assorted “gifts” to the alleged murderer.

The injured guard, identified as Leo Sturbgetter, was treated at a local hospital and released.

(Casa Grande, AZ) Tuesday, Doritos announced a new $25 million naming rights agreement with the US Department of War, regarding the next 60 day “official action” in the ongoing conflict with Iran. The deal includes naming rights, some limited merchandizing, and a special limited-time Doritos paint scheme for all B2 bombers involved in the war. President trump expressed his congratulations to the company on social media.

The US president may engage in war with a foreign adversary for 60 days before seeking permission from Congress. May 1st - the deadline for the approval - the State Department declared that Operation Epic Fury was over, and that a new mission, Project Freedom, had began. Congress has yet to act on this clear sidestep of the law.

Doritos executives say this provided the opening they needed to request naming rights for the next name in the war. “We looked at wars like Afghanistan and Iraq, and even 120 days sounds ridiculous for this war. We only wish we’d caught Pete [Hegseth] drunk, because we wanted the next three names… but they felt even Congress might consider it the same war if the brand wasn’t changing.”

The conflict will be named the “Doritos Cool Ranch Ground Invasion.” Iranian officials have expressed anger at the name.

Republican voters seem to approve the coming “new war.” Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Utah, said, “I’m glad the original war is over, and I support our troops protecting ships from the problems that war started. I really hope this next war can really help bring down gas prices… I’m really hurting with my big truck.”

(Tehran) As the US begins its third month of war with Iran, some republican legislators are beginning to express concerns the US may no longer be able to start 6 wars in 2026. “Sure, we can invade Cuba,” said one republican Senator who asked to remain anonymous, “but after that, can we really start three more wars? I’m just not sure we can do it unless trump moves to the next one. Also I am not gay.”

The US started the year invading Venezuela, kidnapping the country’s president and attempting to control its government and economy. The following month the US attacked Iran; however, this war mired the US in conflict, slowing the pace of attack. Now, as oil prices skyrocket and US warships need relief, doubts are surfacing, both in Americans and their enemies.

“We’re right here,” said an angry Kim Jong Un. “Whose manhood do I need to threaten to get noticed?” Other US enemies are also offended. “They’re barely attacking our boats any more,” said one drug cartel member. “Sure, they hit one this week, but it’s not the same as it was. I feel like some side war [Secretary of War Pete] Hegseth only remembers when he’s drunk.”

Republican voters say they’re certain there can be four more wars. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in northern New Hampshire, said, “sure maybe we can’t start 4 more wars. But we can always get stuck in four more, and I believe in my president!”

(Washington DC) In a confusing emergency press briefing Sunday, press secretary Karoline Leavitt informed the media that the White House is not looking for “the football,” a suitcase that always travels with the president and enables him to launch the US nuclear arsenal. “It is a coffee-colored suitcase about 2-feet by 1-foot, heavy, and may have an open handcuff attached to it,” she said. “Although it is not missing, it would be important to say something if you saw it.”

Members of the media were mixed in their response. “This is probably another ham-fisted attempt to distract from the Epstein files,” said a reporter from CNN, who asked not to be named. “I was really tempted to ask if the files were in the suitcase, if they wouldn’t throw me out over it.” Other reporters agreed, with one saying, “if the files were in there they’d probably lose them harder,” to laughter from those nearby.

Still, some at the briefing expressed concern at the White House’s “over-the-top” attempt to portray things as okay. Said one: “we all know it’s plausible that they lost it, and this is what they’d do if they did. So did they get smarter? Dumber? If they lost the briefcase, what does that mean for national security? Could Pete [Hegseth, Secretary of Defense] have left it in a bar? Really this creates more questions than answers, which is exactly what you’d do to create a distraction.”

The White House’s attentive detail to the non-problem only further muddies the water. Since the briefing, three separate updates have come out, stating that the briefcase is fine, and thanking the press for being diligent watching for it.

The president could not be reached from his golf course for comment.

(Washington DC) White House concerns regarding the Epstein files dominating news coverage hit a new high Friday, as two television networks made large “donations” to the trump presidential library. Both networks said the donations would make sense next week.

Comedy Central, a cable channel often critical of the president, gave a $6.5 million dollar donation to the library, one of trump’s favorite methods to take money from corporations in exchange for favors or leniency. But the donation of $23.5 million from Paramount is the talk of both Hollywood and the Beltway.

“It’s South Park,” said one LA socialite at the new Spam Center opening at Alameda Mall in Beverly Hills. “Rooster and I have a bet, and I get his porche if it’s Star Trek. But everyone knows it’s South Park.” When asked what could merit the high… donation, they replied, “honey, they’ve already shown his dangle, so it has to be good. Can they steal the papers and just show pictures for 30 minutes of every page? That would be so Matt and Trey!”

Of lesser interest is the “donation” of Comedy Central, with the amount much lower than other “donations” in the recent past. Media watchers feel it could be The Daily Show. “Maybe they interview someone who knew trump when he was broke, I don’t know,” said one. “But it’s got nothing on South Park, that was $23.5 million of pure advertising. Do they have his colon scans? No one knows.”

The White House was quick to both demean both channels and accept the donations. However, cracks are appearing in their unified stand. While condemning South Park loudly, Karoline Leavitt was unusually quiet when asked of she would hold a briefing at 10pm on August 6th.

(Washington DC) As Americans grow increasingly alarmed at the rising cost of goods, a new proposal is being floated in the Senate to decrease the value of money in advance, in order to stop inflation. The “Stable Bubble” amendment proposes to reduce the value of the dollar preemptively, thus preventing inflation. Responses have been overwhelmingly positive from republican voters.

“Inflation is a major problem in America,” said Leo Sturbgettter, an unemployed cow detangler from Llano, Texas. “If we can inflate before the prices, we already gonna be inflated. Then there can’t be inflation”

“It’s simple math,” he added.

Not so, says unemployed federal economist and current barrista Tony Larist. “Look I don’t have time to explain this during the rush, but what you’re describing is actually worse than inflation. Call it stoopid inflation. No, use two o’s, it’s that bad.”

When asked how the government would decrease money’s value, the president was extremely candid, apparently pleased to not be dodging Epstein questions. “We have these machines,” he said. “Money machines. All day long they make money, and when I said ‘can they go faster’ they said ‘of course, mr president,’ so I will just print double the money and everything should be fine.”

When asked where the money would go, the president answered, “oh we have places for that… now Epstein… that’s a problem, someone really should look into that.”

The Department of the Treasury would not comment on the proposed plan.

(Annapolis, Maryland) As the trump administration tries desperately to distract from the Epstein files, a new directive has come out to change all Navy vessels’ designation of USS - United States Ship - with the designation PTS, signifying the ship is controlled by president trump. Navy command is expected to begin the new designations at the start of the year.

When questioned at a golf outing in Scotland, trump defended the move. “Well I’m the commander, see… I’m the commander, and I command. These are my ships, because I’m commanding them, so they should say my name. They should, in facts maybe ‘trump’s ship’ is all we need, that will scare the pirates off.”

Washington insiders have trouble deciding if the new move is vanity, an attack on perceived lack of support from the Navy, or a distraction from the Epstein files.

The Department of Defense had no comment on the change.

(Gaza) As hunger grows and relief aid is squeezed by IDF restrictions, Israel was dealt a harsh blow by world court today, saying that the word “Holocaust” cannot be trademarked by the jewish people. Israel had claimed protesters and dying Gazans were violating their rights to the term by using it to describe the wholesale slaughter of Palestinians in Gaza.

“This is anti-Semetic,” said rabbi Abraham Kaughman of the Israeli government. “Six million jews died in the true holocaust caused by the Nazis. We can kill everyone, every one of these people, and we’ll hit three million, tops. That’s not the same.”

“If they called it a pogrom, you know the Ukrainians wouldn’t take it.”

The US president also remarked during a golf outing, “you can’t call it champagne if it’s not from that region… none of these Palestinians are dying in Germany.”

Not all voices are against the ruling. Omar Hessah, a Palestinian man in northern Gaza, said: “my children are starving, please send us aid. This does not have to be a holocaust, please.”

But judges agree that while Israel does not need to kill these people, their death can be called a holocaust.

(Washington DC) In a move even some in his party question, the trump white house says they are ready to release a list of his current, legal-age mistresses, to counter allegations of sexual wrong-doing by the president. Reactions were swift and vocal.

“This was on my bingo card,” shouted one reporter above the uproar at the press briefing. In the flurry of followup questions by reporters, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt clarified that the list is not yet public, there are seven names on it, and two of those named have been in movies (later clarified to being in Netflix original dramas or better). The list will be released when the Epstein documents have not been in the headlines for 3 days. When asked if the list contained all of trumps mistresses, she clarified, “everyone that is on this list is over the age of consent in their state.”

“I hope this finally ends the controversy,” she added.

Mixed reactions are being seen all over the country and around the world. “Seven?” Said Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni. “That’s like trying to drink seven beers at once. I would rather see the files.”

In an opposing view, House Speaker Mike Johnson applauded the president for changing the subject. “I am a man of god, and I would much rather see his list of mistresses, that are legal, then discuss whether there are pedophiles among those that control our government.

Americans are mixed on the topic. Surprisingly, Republican women seem excited to discuss the topic, and a trend of #Imightbeonthelist started briefly in conservative circles, until people began age-checking accounts. Still there is excitement among republicans as they try to guess the seven women of legal age in some states who sleep with the president.

The office of the first lady could not be reached for comment.

(Washington DC) As rumors continue to fly about which sex tape trump will release to distract the media from the Epstein files, one online posting from the president is drawing attention from what he didn’t say.

In a message on truth social this morning, trump posted, “just saw something a bit too racist, thought about posting but decided not to, thank you for your attention on this matter.”

Press Secretary Leavitt had this comment in her morning news briefing: “I don’t personally review the content [the president sees], but I trust him to release only the information America needs to see, and that is what he does.” She refused to comment on followup questions regarding the Epstein files.

Still, curiosity in the media has wanting to know what was too shocking for the president to release. Said one White House watcher, “given what he does put out, it would have to be really bad. Like a dog-drowning-a-baby bad.”

Inside sources at the White House are also confused at the president’s tact in the matter. “I’ve seen what he laughs at,” said one, “and it’s got to be really bad if he cares what people think.”

(Washington DC) As questions mount about trump’s involvement in the Epstein files, and the failure to release them, sources inside the White House say those with known or potential sex tapes are becoming increasingly concerned of their release.

The trump administration, known for its savvy in distracting the media and public, has grown desperate to change headlines, making claims as wide-ranging as demanding Coca Cola change its formulation, to extorting major league football teams. Yet the media, and public, remain fixated on the Epstein files.

“It’s very concerning,” said one blond press staffer who asked not to be named. “We hope the president will attack another country, like New Mexico, but a lot of people [in the administration] are saying a sex tape is the way to go. We were all made to submit any incriminating material when applying, and there are several of the tapes I submitted that could be painful to release.”

“Yes, we’re all concerned,” said one latino staff member in the state department. “I have material out there that’s pretty bad-looking, but given the late hour it was shot, you can tell that pony is only tired, not drugged, and everything is consensual. Still, it would look bad, even though as I said everything was consensual.”

Members of the media agree the tactic may work. “Would I replace the Epstein headlines with a sex tape story,” said one, “let me look at a list of department heads. No, no, yes, maybe, no, maybe on a bet, hell no… I’ll admit I had a dream about this one so maybe. I have to admit, it depends on the person and the tape.”

Only time will tell how the administration will continue to buy time until the scandal blows over. The president’s office was unavailable for comment, reportedly due to increasing tensions with New Mexico.

(Washington DC) As Republicans scramble to justify not releasing the Epstein files after campaigning heavily on their release, more concerning news has come from the White House that the president has begun referring to himself as “Doctor trump.” Multiple White House staff, who ask not to be named, say the president’s staff has requested all White House personnel use the new title when in his presence.

“We think a real doctor left a stethoscope in the Oval Office,” said one, “and he started playing with it… either that or he was commenting on how smart it sounds to say doctor when you have a PhD… look, we can only say he says he’s a doctor, and we’ve been told to play along.”

When questioned, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt confirmed the new change. “The president is the doctor America needs,” she said at a fundraising event for a golden calf statue being planned for the White House Christmas. “The main stream media should go back to school, to try to keep up with the most brilliant leader of the free world.” She would not answer questions about what kind of doctor trump claimed to be, only saying, “he is the best kind of doctor, that’s all that matters.”

Trump was also vague about the title at his golf course in New Jersey on Saturday, while taking break from golfing in Florida. “I could be a doctor of golf, if I wanted… the Masters… only the Masters, I could play in the Doctors, it’s better than the Masters, I’ll show you, the Saudis did it, it’s very classic. Oh, what kind of doctor am I? Well why don’t you guess a few times, I don’t think you can get it but you can try.” He rebuffed many attempts by the press to guess, pausing only briefly before denying ‘Ultra-Money-Making’ as his specialty.

Democrats responded sharply, by stating that the title of Doctor is not something to be trifled with, and pointing out the many Democrats with actual doctorates or medical degrees. But some political watchers note that complaining, a common Democratic tactic, does not seem to hinder the president from doing what he wants.

Trump was still referring to himself as “Doctor trump” at newstime.