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(Bigbone, KY) As the final lawsuits are being dismissed, a large payout awaits Kentucky resident Leo Sturbgetter, the one person who wagered on Kalshi - an events prediction site - that the death of Senator Lindsey Graham would not involve gay sex. Sturbgetter will receive over 23 million dollars after taxes.

Representatives from Kalshi stress that the wager was not on the death of the Senator itself, but the nature of his death. “Kalshi does not allow participants to vote on when a person will die,” a statement from the New York-based company. “We express our condolences to the Graham family and their friends.”

Lindsey Graham’s death came suddenly last week, as the news was preoccupied with the disappearance of his fellow Senator Mitch McConnell. The soft-spoken Senator was known as a strong proponent of US policy, but his dating life was kept out of the headlines. He never married.

After the death, Kelshi faced multiple challenges on the heterosexual nature of Graham’s death. Raymond Zage, a co-owner of Grindr and a Kelshi enthusiast, was said to have presented multiple screen shots, calendars, audio recordings, fan fictions, and videos challenging the finding. “I have the smoking twink, but Kelshi refuses to pay my bet,” he said in a statement released Friday. But Kelshi pushed back, stating that Zage’s data could not be confirmed, and questioning some of Zage’s wagers on the site as well. “Mr. Zage wagered that the Senator would die of internal hemorrhage from a broken wine bottle on a Tuesday night with a 23-year-old Latino male. We question the specificity of this wager.”

Raymond Ziggler, who bet $2000 that Graham would be suffocated in a fuck pile at an orgy, says he understood the risks, and he wishes Sturbgetter well. “I knew there was a small chance… the smallest chance ever… that Lindsey wouldn’t die with a man inside him. I just didn’t see it coming.”

(Austin, TX) As the Texas Legislature completes a 90-day special session protecting gun rights, emergency legislation protecting “the sanctity of marriage” is also now clear of the state house and moving to the Senate. The “No Squirt Act” defines use of a bidet as a forbidden sex act in the state, placing it on par with sodomy, incest, and use of condoms on a Sunday. The Senate appears poised to pass the measure.

Texans roundly support the measure. “Bidet is a combination of the words Biden, and gay,” said Dallas resident and cow detangler Leo Sturbgetter. “There are no bidets in the bible. We are protecting our children’s behinds from getting any ideas… a child’s bottom cannot always be as safe as it is when they’re with a priest. That’s where the law comes in.”

Supporters are calling for a bidet burning to occur when the governor signs the legislation, and have begun scouring the state for one to burn. A Go Fund Me to acquire some from California, or France, has already received over $11,000.

California Governor Gavin Newsom has offered free bidets - if the receiving party uses it first - and says he has received numerous anonymous requests for more information, from numbers with Texas area codes.

With the governor’s race heating up in Texas, Democratic candidate James Talrico has fired the first shot on this issue, asking in an interview where Texans “think Ken Paxton sits on the matter.” The Paxton campaign has not yet responded, but rumors the Paxton household has a bidet hidden in their Satanic alter could greatly affect the already heated race.

(San Fransisco) Two days after attempting to fool the world with an AI-enhanced digital avatar of Mitch McConnell (R-KY), republicans are dropping the charade. The AI version of the Senator was seen in a two-minute video on Thursday walking the halls of Congress, greeting his family, and participating in a lightsaber duel with Darth Maul. The video was released to counter claims the missing Senator is dead, or in a vegetative state incompatible with life.

“Clearly this was a fake video,” said NPR analyst Ari Shapiro. “Republicans are trying to cover for whatever condition McConnell is in, and this was one more attempt to muddy the waters. Also, the lightsaber fight was clearly using pre-Death Star settings, and this was supposed to be filmed last week.”

Republicans say they are admitting the video was fake - and dropping the program - after their avatar began drafting and then attempting to pass legislation setting caps on insurance claim denials, and setting fixed prices for common medical procedures. While refusing to release the draft language, developers say Mitch McCAInnell was clearly acting in a manner unlike his totally alive counterpart. “We don’t feel the real Mitch would be interested in healthcare, so the model is messing up. It would be more appropriate if the model focused on the needs of the president, and on last minute attempts to avoid damnation.”

Republican voters, however, say they want more AI Mitch. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Kentucky, said “I’m proud of my Senator keeping America safe from higher taxes and battle droids. If he wants to give us healthcare, let him do that too.”

Senator McConnell could not be reached by Ouija board for comment.

(Washington DC) After years of “if they go low, we go high,” Democratic lawmakers have begun reversing course, leaving Republicans in a panic. Last Friday, in response to Congressman Gary Palmer’s (R-AL) claim all Democrats want to hurt America, Eugene Vindman (D-VA) replied “well that’s not what your mom says, Gary. She likes us just fine.” Later, responding to Palmer’s outrage, saying his mother is in a grave in Alabama, Vindman doubled down. “Are you sure, Gary? Because that’s not what your mom says.” Palmer had no response.

This new tactic has Republicans confused. “Democrats are naturally a passive species,” said one political biologist. “When attacked, their natural response is to curl in a ball, and say something lukewarm about Medicare. This aggression suggests Democrats may be developing a spine - or at least a spine-like adaptation - to the MAGA movement.”

Republicans are outraged at the idea. Tim Berchett (R-TN) said, “I didn’t come to Washington to talk to children, I prefer dealing with an adult.”

“That’s not what his mom says,” countered Maxine Dexter (D-OR), giggling. “And his mom said that for both her, and her widdle son.”

House leadership is calling for decorum. House minority leader Hakeem Jefferies (D-NY) said today, “Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) told me today that he understands why everyone is worked up. He hopes we can come together and stand behind each other in unity. He said both these things.”

“No wait, maybe it was his mom,” Jefferies added.

Most alarming to Republicans is the warm reception their base is giving the insults. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Maryland, said: “today Rick Scott (R Senator-FL) said he wasn’t going to bend over to Democratic pressure… is he paying attention? Man, maybe I’m in the wrong party… I can handle inflation and $5 gas, but I can’t be seen with a party of idiots.”

(Bangor, Maine) Citing poor satisfaction among participants and facing multiple lawsuits, the Watchful Pussy Seeing Eye Cat Program is shutting down in Bangor, sources said Sunday. Participants say while the program has tried to be helpful, “cats just don’t care if you fall down,” as one blind participant said.

The innovative program attempted to match blind participants with cats trained to aid and guide them through their daily lives. The cats, rescued from shelters and trained using guidelines for other seeing-eye animals, seemed to respond well to the stimulus training, but “returned to being furry little assholes” after being placed in the field. “Sammy was really nice the first day,” said one trial participant. “But day 2, he would only meow next to the food bowl, and when I tried to put his harness on to go for a walk, he jumped on a shelf and started knocking things down on me. I mean, I get it, he’s a cat. But I’m blind, I can’t run around chasing a cat to get my shopping.”

Other participants also cited unruly behavior as a reason they went back to a canine seeing companion. “I’m allergic to dogs,” said Grace, a 31-year-old woman who lost her vision to disease. “But a dog won’t guide me in front of a semi if someone is carrying a fresh fish. I almost died, and that little monster clawed me when I yelled at it. I’ll take the Benadryl, thank you.”

Program developers agree that in hindsight, cats were a poor choice for service guide animals. “Cats are just really cuddly, so we thought they were an untapped resource waiting to be exploited. We should have considered the proverbial wisdom that ‘your cat may love you, but if you die they will eat your corpse.’ I just never thought that would be more than an expression, and I am so sorry to the family of our study participant who had that happen.”

(Tehran) The White House announced Monday that an understanding had been reached to end the war between Iran, Israel, and the United States, marking the 36th such announcement since the start of the war. Trump said this was the final end to the war, but vowed to continue ending the conflict until it was over.

“We have an agreement,” he said while golfing in Florida. “They’ve agreed to everything, we have a deal in the bag. But if we have to hit them again, we will, and then we’ll end it again. But the strait is open.”

Leaders in Tehran responded that no deal had been reached, and made the proactive step of announcing that the next end of the war would also be fictitious, and probably the next as well. “Statistically we believe he’ll announce the war ended 4 times this week. None of these will be real, but feel free to pretend along with him. Just don’t look at ship traffic.”

Ship traffic remains light in the Strait of Hormuz, as both Iranian and US blockades interdict shipping, despite US claims of peace.

Some feel the President may be attempting to campaign for the Nobel Peace Prize with his claims. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Hawaii, said “not many men can say they ended a war once, much less 35 times. God bless the President for not giving up on ending the war over and over, just before the stock market opens.”

(Washington DC) As republican voters seem less eager to go to the polls, the White House has unveiled a plan to increase voter turn out for their base. “You get to vote,” exclaimed trump at a rally Thursday. “Republicans only. You get to decide who we attack next.”

Democratic lawmakers condemned the measure. “The midterm elections are for all Americans,” said Senate minority leaser Chuck Schumer. “You can’t just allow one party to vote on a war. That would require a primary.”

But voters are expressing renewed interest in choosing a foreign invasion target, with names such as North Korea, France, and even California being suggested by republican voters. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Delaware, said, “honestly, anywhere would be good, because I’m pretty sure I used to work on a yacht in those Epstein files… and we just don’t wanna go there.”

The White House says all names are on the table, and a write-in campaign is encouraged.

(San Jose, CA) Artificial Intelligence developer Anthropic and related stocks are higher today, after the announcement AI systems will incorporate blockchain into their systems. “We know people used to really like the word blockchain,” said one PR specialist for Anthropic. “And since AI isn’t as exciting lately as we want, we’re adding that term to help increase our value… to America.”

Investors are excited. “We never really got bored of blockchain,” said one, “because suddenly it was about NFTs, and we can only keep so many ideas in our heads at one time. I’m really glad we’ve found a way to improve on AI.”

“I’m all in on blockchain AI, this should help offset the oil crisis and that war stuff,” he added.

More conservative investors say that while blockchain may add value to tech stocks, the word “fundamentals” has better utility across a wider array of industries. “We’d really like AI stocks to focus on fundamentals,” one commented. “There are several core principles that help a company, such as firing a bunch of people. One private prison company I invest in fires people all the time, and that really increases their value… I’d like to hear how blockchain fires people.”

But not everyone is excited about the news. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler who was recently laid off by a New York private prison, said, “I got hit in the head at work, and now they’ve fired me. I think they said they was replacing me with AI now that’s improved with blockchain. I just don’t know, man.”

(New York) As today’s court hearings were held for suspected shooter Luigi Mangioni in the case involving the death of a healthcare executive, an injury related to the case was reported at the prison where he is held. Three boxes of women’s underwear reportedly fell from a high shelf in the undergarments section of the warehouse housing items mailed to the defendant, causing “a mild concussion” to one of the guards in the area. Prosecutors say Mangioni may also be charged for the guard’s injuries in the trial.

“We get it,” said one guard from the facility. “He’s smoking hot. But when you mail him your underwear, you don’t think about the damage you can cause.”

“Also, the smell,” he added.

Mangioni had been held without bail for over a year since his arrest, and fans have been sending support ever since. The prison has hired two staffers to handle marriage proposals, along with housing two warehouses of assorted “gifts” to the alleged murderer.

The injured guard, identified as Leo Sturbgetter, was treated at a local hospital and released.

(Casa Grande, AZ) Tuesday, Doritos announced a new $25 million naming rights agreement with the US Department of War, regarding the next 60 day “official action” in the ongoing conflict with Iran. The deal includes naming rights, some limited merchandizing, and a special limited-time Doritos paint scheme for all B2 bombers involved in the war. President trump expressed his congratulations to the company on social media.

The US president may engage in war with a foreign adversary for 60 days before seeking permission from Congress. May 1st - the deadline for the approval - the State Department declared that Operation Epic Fury was over, and that a new mission, Project Freedom, had began. Congress has yet to act on this clear sidestep of the law.

Doritos executives say this provided the opening they needed to request naming rights for the next name in the war. “We looked at wars like Afghanistan and Iraq, and even 120 days sounds ridiculous for this war. We only wish we’d caught Pete [Hegseth] drunk, because we wanted the next three names… but they felt even Congress might consider it the same war if the brand wasn’t changing.”

The conflict will be named the “Doritos Cool Ranch Ground Invasion.” Iranian officials have expressed anger at the name.

Republican voters seem to approve the coming “new war.” Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Utah, said, “I’m glad the original war is over, and I support our troops protecting ships from the problems that war started. I really hope this next war can really help bring down gas prices… I’m really hurting with my big truck.”

(Tehran) As the US begins its third month of war with Iran, some republican legislators are beginning to express concerns the US may no longer be able to start 6 wars in 2026. “Sure, we can invade Cuba,” said one republican Senator who asked to remain anonymous, “but after that, can we really start three more wars? I’m just not sure we can do it unless trump moves to the next one. Also I am not gay.”

The US started the year invading Venezuela, kidnapping the country’s president and attempting to control its government and economy. The following month the US attacked Iran; however, this war mired the US in conflict, slowing the pace of attack. Now, as oil prices skyrocket and US warships need relief, doubts are surfacing, both in Americans and their enemies.

“We’re right here,” said an angry Kim Jong Un. “Whose manhood do I need to threaten to get noticed?” Other US enemies are also offended. “They’re barely attacking our boats any more,” said one drug cartel member. “Sure, they hit one this week, but it’s not the same as it was. I feel like some side war [Secretary of War Pete] Hegseth only remembers when he’s drunk.”

Republican voters say they’re certain there can be four more wars. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in northern New Hampshire, said, “sure maybe we can’t start 4 more wars. But we can always get stuck in four more, and I believe in my president!”

(Washington DC) In a confusing emergency press briefing Sunday, press secretary Karoline Leavitt informed the media that the White House is not looking for “the football,” a suitcase that always travels with the president and enables him to launch the US nuclear arsenal. “It is a coffee-colored suitcase about 2-feet by 1-foot, heavy, and may have an open handcuff attached to it,” she said. “Although it is not missing, it would be important to say something if you saw it.”

Members of the media were mixed in their response. “This is probably another ham-fisted attempt to distract from the Epstein files,” said a reporter from CNN, who asked not to be named. “I was really tempted to ask if the files were in the suitcase, if they wouldn’t throw me out over it.” Other reporters agreed, with one saying, “if the files were in there they’d probably lose them harder,” to laughter from those nearby.

Still, some at the briefing expressed concern at the White House’s “over-the-top” attempt to portray things as okay. Said one: “we all know it’s plausible that they lost it, and this is what they’d do if they did. So did they get smarter? Dumber? If they lost the briefcase, what does that mean for national security? Could Pete [Hegseth, Secretary of Defense] have left it in a bar? Really this creates more questions than answers, which is exactly what you’d do to create a distraction.”

The White House’s attentive detail to the non-problem only further muddies the water. Since the briefing, three separate updates have come out, stating that the briefcase is fine, and thanking the press for being diligent watching for it.

The president could not be reached from his golf course for comment.