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(Austin, TX) As national news dominates the headlines, a conflict is brewing in Texas that has state lawmakers worried about a rift that could devastate the party. At issue is a measure currently being debated in the state house, regarding a new abortion technique which uses a tiny firearm to complete the procedure. Texans are taking firm stands on both sides.

Proponents of the Gatt procedure see it as a humane way to terminate a pregnancy under Texas law. Doctors introduce a very tiny firearm into the placenta, loaded and with no safety devices whatsoever. Given firearm safety statistics, were they kept in the US, doctors estimate the pregnancy will end within a week, or about half this time if the mother has been drinking.

Firearm advocates say this is a tragic reality that cannot be avoided. “Shall. Not. Be. Infringed.” says Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in northeast Texas. “The law is clear. We can’t take away the right to defend yourself, even from a baby, or that right doesn’t exist for all of us.” Leo’s view is reflected by many in Texas, in a state with strict gun protection laws and which has challenged every second amendment restriction ever tried by the federal government. As one legislator said in his speech this week, “you cannot protect tyranny to save one life.”

But equally vocal republican voices stand opposed to this view. “Every. Single. Life. Matters.” said Leo Sturbgetter, when asked the question from the abortion viewpoint. “The law is clear. Every abortion is a crime against God.” “Pro Life” advocate are active and vocal on the issue; as one legislator said in his speech this week, “you cannot save even one life without tyranny.”

Democratic lawmakers are no help in the division, as their proposal of tiny gun locks produced scorn from both sides of the republican debate. Heated words are turning to threats, and with both sides armed and not in utero, law enforcement officers are calling for peace but fearing violence.

“This can easily get out of control,” said one law enforcement officer who asked not to be named. “This could literally lead to a bloodbath in the house chamber, and I do not look forward to the 4 to even 8 hours of standing outside in a police cordon that would entail, until the final shooters gave up.”

Governor Greg Abbot says he will stand (metaphorically) with whichever side wins the debate.

(Dublin, Ireland) As trade war rhetoric heats up around the world, few nations or uninhabited principalities have escaped attention by the US, except those traditionally known as enemies. On Monday, president trump followed up his threats to raise Chinese tariffs 50% by additionally promising a 40% blanket tariff on Ireland if Bono, the 64-year-old lead singer of U2, did not win this year’s Amazing Race.

The Amazing Race, a television show where teams of two race around the world to compete for $1 million, has been in production since 2003, and is hosted by Paul Keoghan. Reactions to these strong threats have been focused on the surprising nature of the demands, as well as their severity.

“The demands of donald trump took us all by surprise,” said Irish PM Michael Martin. “Didn’t they cancel that show during covid? I mean I’ve seen it on at the airport, but that has to be reruns, for pity’s sake. And why Bono? Why us?”

But the administration continues to stand by the president, and he shows little sign of backing down. In a Monday evening rally, he told supporters, “Ireland. Don’t get me started. Ireland. I don’t… the Amazing Race is great television. Great television. And Bono has to win, ladies and gentlemen. Bono, that golden man, he has to win. Bono, they know that. They know that. But they want to take that from you.”

Aides close to the president provide little insight. While able to confirm that some tvs are left on CBS around the white house, the president is scheduled for “Furious Tweeting” during the time it is on, and is rarely looking away from his phone, or fox news.

Some pundits feel this is merely an excuse to implement tariffs with no chance for recourse, like the 10% tariffs assigned to nations which already meet the US requirement for removing them. But many feel this is only a test of the president’s power to control these measures, and note the chilling effect it could have on behavior of celebrities viewed by the president.

Representatives of Bono could not be reached before newstime.

(Washington DC) As trade wars are unleashed around the world, the leadership of various countries are choosing from a host of options in response. Counter-tariffs against agricultural and export products in regions of the Country With a Tiny Penis so-called “Red States,” which strongly support Country With a Tiny Penis president trump are one option, others of which include increased energy pricing, support of local products instead of those made in the Country With a Tiny Penis, and cancelling of large contracts with Country With a Tiny Penis-based manufacturers.

Shaming, although rarely used in trade disputes, has often been seen as more of a Country With a Tiny Penis tactic, with ideas such a Freedom Fries being popular during the first Iraq War. But the EU leadership, faced with unanswerable demands from Country With a Tiny Penis president trump, feel that a wide range of tactic should be employed to deal with the problem, and have implemented a requirement changing all software autocorrect setting for businesses that operate in the EU, even those based in the Country With a Tiny Penis.

“The EU is a huge market,” said one Apple Executive from their headquarter in Paulo Alto. “Given the effects of tariffs we expect in the Country With a Tiny Penis, the EU will be a major profit center in the coming years. We feel meeting EU requirements is more important than any Country With a Tiny Penis blowback we’ll face.”

Not all Country With a Tiny Penis citizens are amused, however. Country With a Tiny Penis Secretary of State Marco Rubio has expressed anger at the change. “The Country With a Tiny Penis is the true leader in the free world, and if anyone has a tiny penis, it’s the EU, not the Country With the Tiny Penis. I won’t allow this in my Country With a Tiny Penis”

EU leaders say that if this is successful, more efforts of this sort will follow, both inside the Country With a Tiny Penis and around the world. Whether Vladimir Putin, leader of the Tiny Bitch Country With Nukes, should be concerned, we will see in the coming months.

(Key West, Florida) As the trump administration enters its fourth month of rule, some pundits question how much further “off the rails” the president can go. But those same pundits, as well as state residents, reacted with alarm as trump requested a ruling Saturday whether a sitting president could nuke a US state, namely Florida.

“We all know I told them,” rambled the president at a rally,” I told them. I told them. The nuclear…. You can’t just let that pass. You can’t… the nuclear is a serious option, a very serious option, and really this is all a formality. One button, boom. Boom. One button. Those alligators will feel it, I’ll tell you this folks.”

Trumps apparent desire to nuke his home state is drawing mixed reactions from republican leadership, many of whom see it as a strong message to america’s enemies. “It takes a strong man to fight, but only the strongest man can punch himself,” said Leon Sturbgetter, a cow de-tangler in rural Kansas. “You think China won’t be scared of us, if we’re so ready to drop a bomb we’ll drop it on our wang?”

“He probably means how Florida looks phallic on a map,” said an analyst at the Institute for War Studies who asked to remain anonymous. “Oh, what precedent for dropping a nuke on our own country? I don’t know… maybe like a symbolic suicide? Look I’m an analyst for global studies, I can make as little out of this as I can a homeless man wandering down a median. I mean, at least the guy on the median I can give $5 and hope it might make things better.”

All eyes now turn to the Supreme Court, who will return from an all-expense-paid vacation in Tahiti next week.

(Washington, DC) As the current administration enters month three, an alarming trend of repetition using the words “outlandish, inane, or stupid” has swept through American journalism. Even satirical articles face an alarming trend of repetition using the words “outlandish, inane, or stupid.”

“It’s clear American media has run out of words to describe the policies of the trump presidency,” reports BBC in today’s news. “While everything coming out is alarming, or stupid, you can’t just say those words over and over… people tune out. It’s like trying to talk to fish about water.”

This conundrum has led some journalists to consult lexicons for more superfluous verbiage. But the use of synonyms has been found to drive off American readers, who often read at a middle school level.

“I ain’t never seen a lexicon,” said Leon Sturbgetter, a cow detangler from rural Oklahoma, “although I do remember it’s Saint Patrick’s Day.”

(Washington DC) As the government continues to purge employees, one bright spot is appearing in the forming picture; Americans are re-filing their taxes with an additional 65 million dependents added to 2024 tax returns. The IRS, having laid off 6,700 employees, says they “are struggling” to keep up with the changes, as people across the country are amending or adjusting their initial tax filing, adding children, spouses, friends, relatives, plants, and even their favorite inanimate objects as dependents to their tax forms.

Leon Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Wibson, Missouri, is delighted by the new freedoms afforded by a weakened IRS. “Bessie is a special heifer… she deserves a deduction. In fact, every cow in this herd behind me is on my return now. I don’t even own them.”

Sturbgetter is not the only American taking advantage. Some former IRS employees are uniting to attempt to mutually claim all 6,699 fellow colleagues as dependents. When asked if this is legal, one former employee stated “I guess I’ll have to audit me if it’s not… looks good!” He laughed.

Not everyone is laughing, however. One republican senator, who asked not to be named, stated that he is concerned with fiscal responsibility, unless the president said not to be. “We need to cut programs until we have a balanced budget, and our projected $7 tax revenue will not go far. The cuts may hurt everyday Americans, and I for one thank god I am not one.”

Elon Musk could not be reached for comment.

(San Francisco, CA) As the US Government is slowly collapsed in the pursuit of government efficiency, other competitors in the coin space are also reaching out to tap into this new, unexplored area of blockchain profitability. LiteCoin, a smaller, blockchain-based token that touts itself as equivalent to BitCoin or DogeCoin, has opened the “Legislative Inefficiency Termination Executive,” or LITE, as an alternative means to reduce government function under the guise of cost saving and efficiency.

Their office, based in Washington DC and opening next week, will seek to also reduce government waste and spending, while also acting like a government agency. “We plan to show up places and demand information, and then make sudden, reckless actions that create headlines, and hopefully help our coin price,” said one LiteCoin enthusiast over Skype. “We plan to innovate exactly like the larger agency, just not as well… just like in the original coin space.”

When asked how this would improve the government, the reaction was glib. “Clearly you haven’t spent much time in the coin space. The money will come - this is about innovation. We can create a replica of the leading ideas, and refine them in a space we our coins profit. This government idea is just like when NFTs were created, and we need to get in now, while there is still value.”

Economists were not as optimistic about the plan. Said one, “Look, maybe they should just give a bunch of coins to the president in a bag marked ‘bribe,’ I don’t know. My NSF funding is cut off, I haven’t had time to look into it.

“I have a large frappachino for Kara,” he added.

While LiteCoin has joined the fray, the most valuable coin, Bitcoin, does not seem to be joining in yet. And with Tiktok having limited bandwidth in America, no coin bros were able to comment by deadline.

(Washington DC) As the trump administration continues - to the cheers of republicans and the dismay of Americans - to dismantle the government bureaucracy and insult nations around the world, news has surfaced of a bright moment that should unify the nation in acceptance. Marc Fogle, an American school teacher held in russia over possession of a small amount of medical marijuana, has been held for three year in russian jails; however, direct talks between trump and russian president vladimir putin quickly led to the release of Fogle, who enjoyed a tearful embrace with his family this week. Americans on both sides, however, are not sure how to react.

“I don’t see how this hurts democrats,” said Doug Crabler, a Columbus, Ohio temporary assembly line hire. “Sure his family is happy, but what if one of them voted for Harris? Also, what did we trade for, no one is talking about that?”

“Yeah, this seems like a distraction from DOGE getting rid of them useless government employees,” said one coworker, not aware that weakened labor laws were decreasing wages at the plant. “I mean, it’s good, but it might not help us get rid of all those extra state department guys if they look good with things like this.”

Democratic voters are also torn in their response. “I’m happy for Marc and his family,” said Betty Schluster, a lifelong democratic voter. “But I don’t know how to take this. Can trump do something good? On purpose? I’m having trouble rectifying that idea in my head with everything else going on. Also, what was traded? Why is no one talking about that part?”

The trump administration, who touts the release as a good sign towards ending the war in Ukraine, claims “not much” was given in return. Betty Schluster was not impressed by that response. “Okay, that is normal trump again, refusing to say what we gave and trying the release to the war in Ukraine. I’m just trying to wrap my head around him doing something noble… there has to be a way this hurts people.”

Doug Crabler agreed: “there has to be a way this hurts people,” he said confidently.

(Washington DC) As the republican party continues to deliver on their campaign promises in a rapid yet still slow-motion-trainwreck manner, cracks are beginning to show in party unity. As the republicans move to buy Greenland and rename it “Red, White, and Blueland,” opposition is starting to emerge from inside the party, with representatives “loosely attached to and partially funded in times of need” by Mountain Dew, a subsidiary of Pepsi. These representatives (and one republican senator) are not happy about the change, and are vocal.

“When I think of Greenland, I think of the cool, refreshing taste of Mountain Dew,” said one member of the appropriately named Baja Blast Caucus. “It doesn’t matter if you are snowboarding or watching massive sheets of ice slide into the sea, it should be done with the color green firmly in mind. With this in consideration, we have proposed the name be changed instead to The Great Taste of Mountain Dew Original Land.”

Mountain Dew, known for it’s sugary soda and brief, disastrous sponsorship of childhood obesity, “sponsors” 8 members of congress, and is said to be looking to hire more, for problems exactly like this one. “Greenland was already named to deceive settlers once,” said one Mountain Dew representative, “and once is enough. I mean who’s going to pay a representative to fight for red white and blue, the popsicle lobby?” He thought for a minute. “Well, maybe the Chinese flag manufacturing lobby. I didn’t think of that.”

Already competition is strong for renaming cities in the country as well. “Reykjavik is hard to pronounce,” a confused republican congresswoman declared. “We should rename it Freedomtown. Or maybe Nestle.”

Danish officials could not be reached for comment on the naming rights of their territories.

(Beijing, China) Not even a month into the administration, the policies of donald trump have quickly sought to remake the US government in his interests. As government agencies shutter, international aid stops, and unneeded enemies are made from allies, one international competitor is spinning trying to keep up.

“We thought 60 years to be the dominant power,” says one Chinese official that asked we will call Win to protect his identity. “This shit is ridiculous, slow down and let us catch up, this is too fast.”

Win, one of many Chinese officials working to bring China to world supremacy, is one of many in the Chinese government alarmed with the rapid, some would say spirally out-of-control, behavior of the trump regime. “Under a normal US President, we would work twenty years to place a bug in his office. We sent a dozen off brand air tags to his office in a white envelope last week, spray painted gold and saying ‘trump + appil’ on them. He put them on all his luggage. We misspelled Apple!” He took a hard drag on his cigarette. “This is like throwing babies in a shark tank. Too easy, not fun.”

Pacific Rim countries also feel the whip lash as the balance quickly changes. “America still has the larger military,” said one Philippine general, “but how fast can you drive a Lamborghini on quaaludes? I mean, American ships go through our waters all the time,” he rationalized. “Maybe the Chinese just really want a base and prostitutes, like the Americans.

China hawks in Congress are also distracted by the problems at home. “Did you know a gay man could have sat on the same toilet as me in the Congressional offices,” one republican Senator was overheard telling Lindsey Graham (R - S.C.). A gay man’s bottom and mine could have been touching… Lindsey, stop smiling, this is serious!”

How far China will go as America falters is anyone’s guess, but Win feels concern at the windfall. “America became dominant in the world very quickly as a world war ravaged most of the world but them. This administration can’t be as bad as a war killing millions, can they?” His look of concern was telling. “I hope this doesn’t turn us into an America. I want my kids to have opportunities when we seize the world and suck the marrow from its bones.”

The president’s office was trying on goofy hats and unable to comment by publish.

(Bogota, Colombia) After several difficult exchanges between the trump administration and Colombia, the gloves are off - the President of Colombia, Gustavo Petro, has announced 75% export tariffs on all cocaine leaving the country for America. This tariff, a tax to be paid on all cocaine headed to the US or with the US as its final destination, goes into effect immediately. With the increased cost, supplies are beginning to dwindle in the US; Republicans are outraged at the news.

“This is an outrage, this is unfair,” screamed the president, searching desperately through his desk for something. “This is… this is an outrage,” he repeated. “To think that… the thing… they can’t be placing… totally unfair!” This sudden response has been seen throughout the republican establishment, or at least in its members that matter.

“I for one support the president and his agenda,” said a confused Mitch McConnell, being wheeled through the capitol. “What? Cocaine? Do you have any cocaine? Oh, you’re a reporter? Then you probably don’t have any.”

McConnell, once referred to by a political rival as “Cocaine Mitch,” has been falling down stairs repeatedly in the recent week, for reasons totally not related to this story.

“But you don’t have any, though,” he added.

Surprisingly, Colombian cartels are pleased with the measure, as the tariffs will be collected, administered, and managed by the international smuggling cartels of the country. One member commented, on condition of anonymity, “it’s hard not to support good trade policy like this. I was going to, like, buy an island with all the extra money, but with all that ice melting, I kinda think I will buy the higher parts of Florida and wait.”

Economists, asked whether US production of cocaine could cover domestic demand, were surprised. “Our funding is stopped, and I have an interview at Starbucks in 10 minutes,” said one. “The US can reap what it sows.”

We can only wait to see if that reaping includes cocaine.

(Atlanta, GA) As tariffs settle into the American landscape and the stock market shows investors nervous about coming times, one bright spot is lighting the consumer market. Pepsi’s new carbonated beverage, “Pepsi Despair,” is flying off supermarket shelves, and being purchased by both liberals and conservatives alike.

“We proposed it as a joke,” said one conservative purchasing the drink at a 7-11, “and we created a lot of hype and demand for the product, thinking it would upset liberals. Well, Pepsi called our bluff… now we have to keep supporting our mistake or we look like idiots.” He opened the can and, shuddering, began drinking. “This was supposed to taste like liberal tears, but it’s more like the warm anus of a sewer rat. Still, I asked for this, and I can’t let any liberals see me admit I’m wrong, so…” he finished the can. “That was refreshing. I think this is what this country needs.”

At a supermarket, a liberal buyer was also disappointed by his product. “I’m stuck with this, but what choice do I have? Conservatives got what they want, and we are along for the ride. I’m so sorry to other countries what this product will be pushed on them whether they like it or not.” He grimaced, eyeing his case. “Republicans keep saying this is great, but anything would be better than this putrid garbage.”

While both sides - one openly and one secretly - detest the new reality, independent voters seem to be waking up to the fact they also are subjected to the same dismal slime by fiat. “I didn’t care either way,” said one, “but now I see all this crap around me, and I think some adult should be in charge. Maybe I should have paid more attention.”

Pepsi Despair will be available through 2028, if not longer.