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(Washington DC) As Trump makes comments of “armadas sailing beautifully” while threatening Iran, White House watchers are noting a different trend in his speeches, and suspect plagiarism.

On Tuesday, in a speech on banning gun laws, trump said, “I’m letting the days go by, I’m not letting the waters hold me back. We have countries dissolving… countries removing… there’s a country at the bottom of the ocean, Atlantis, I believe, and they have to carry the water on their heads, and it’s very heavy.”

“Well that’s clearly The Talking Heads,” said Ari Shapiro, from NPR in live commentary on the speech. “He’s even flailing around. This is clearly intended to distract from the dire message banning gun laws.”

Not so, said Karoline Leavitt at a press conference later Tuesday evening. “The president is as healthy and clear minded as he has been for years, and will always be the same as he ever was. He is free as a bird now, to lead the American people to victory.” White House Advisor Steven Miller attempted to then quote Jay-Z, but was stopped by every white person present.

Experts are unsure if the erratic behavior is trump being trump, or if this is an intentional distraction by the White House, as more Epstein files are being released. “I mean, 1,000 monkeys with typewriters, right?” said one expert who asked not to be named for fear of reprisals. “How similar the mind of this president is to a 3-day song writing binge on LSD is something I’m sure future generations will study.”

Not all are worried about the president’s lyric speech. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Alabama, said, “wow, I never thought about how people in Atlantis have all that water over them. That’s deep. That’s… deep. I need to think about this, I’m having a moment.”

David Bryne could not be reached for comment.

(Minneapolis, MN) As Americans respond to the state-sanctioned murder of Alex Pretti, DHS now claims that the department of Immigration and Customs Enforcement had authority to have multiple agents tackle, hold down, and shoot an American citizen on belief he owed $4.72 cents in customs for an overseas package. “While Alex Pretti was clearly an American citizen and an ICU nurse for the Veterans Administration, the Federal Government reserves the right to allow armed groups of men in body armor to attack any American they believe owes us money for customs,” the statement read.

“As we cannot find record of the package, ICE apologizes for the error,” the statement ended.

(Minneapolis, MN) As yet another shooting occurs are federal agents attack Americans for protesting, local police are trying to instill calm - while doing nothing about the actions of out-of-state ICE agents attacking their neighbors. One officer, who asked not to be named for supporting government terror policies, says this is just quid pro quo, and police in the US follow the same honor system everywhere. He says in any state, cops will always choose other cops over their neighbors.

“There’s cops… then everyone else,” he said. “Your family is completely exempt, of course. Maybe your favorite sports stars. They teach you that day one. We all have to band together to hold down the little people, or the thin blue line means nothing.”

ICE killings are now the leading cause of homicides in Minneapolis this year. The officer says if the roles were reversed, we’d understand. “If you were a cop, you’d understand you’re special. I have over 9 weeks of specialized training in law enforcement. People buy stickers for their cars to try to keep us from giving tickets. Know that if this were in Texas, cops there would be standing around as well while ICE guys smashed a baton over an old lady’s head. They even wear brown shirts down there… isn’t that great?”

He says unity is what allows this to happen. “It’s comforting this is America… in some countries, they’d be dragging me and my family from our homes for this. But not here. God bless us.”

Not all Americans agree with this view. Leo Stubgetter, a cow detangler in rural Minnesota, said “what’s that guy’s home address, I got some questions.”

(Minneapolis, MN) As Americans continue to resist oppression from the federal government and troops are being deployed to further undermine basic rights, a surprising number of Canadians are being found among the protesters. Wearing sun hats and carrying towels, these foreigners are standing in the front lines, apparently asking to be arrested.

“Oh we’re here for you guys,” said Mark Shants, a 34 year old Toronto native with his wife. “We drove across yesterday, told them we’d be here one day. Oopsie. Hope we don’t get send to Central America.”

Shants is one of many Canadians who are following a viral video by Canadians who were send to El Salvador, and released immediately after intervention by the Canadian embassy. Their posts from the warm beaches, combined with high air fare due to American invasions and threats to oil-rich countries, have encouraged hundreds of Canadians to cross the boarder with hopes to escape the sub-zero cold.

The US is not amused. On Friday the president said “these Canadian infiltrators will be sent to the most tropical places where nobody understands English.. nobody, they spit if they hear it… and they will be skinned alive by the trend of the agua gang dealers.” Trump spoke while taking a brief hiatus from golfing to do work running the country.

But Shants and others seem willing to brave the president’s wrath if it involves free travel. “Oh, here come the ICE guys, it’s a pleasure meeting you,” said Shants. “I better go turn myself in before they start shooting tear gas, they do that if you’re American.”

(Waxahatchee, TX) A small court ruling is causing big waves in Republican circles, as drones used as weapons are now considered “arms” a citizen may use for protection. The ruling involved the use of quadcopter drones, similar to those seen in Ukraine, to individually kill several legal deer on a small ranch in Texas. Video of the explosions - and shower of deer parts - caused outrage among gun advocates who claim their guns don’t feel as powerful any more.

“Look right here,” said Christian Stropp of Waxahatchee, bringing up the video. “Here, let me slow it down. Okay… wow. Now let’s watch it again. Wow. Okay with a filter and let me add the music… the point is I can’t do anything nearly that cool with a gun. This rifle I have is the same make and model what killed Charlie Kirk [of Turning Point USA]. It used to be really cool. But that drone stuff just makes it look like a BB gun.”

The hunters, who asked their names to be withheld as they are Democrats living in Texas, said they are just keeping up with the times. “My dad used to take me to the gun range as a kid, now I take my son to the drone range. You should see how happy he gets when he drops a pound of flour directly on a MAGA hat. That was his first buck on the day involving the trial.”

Advocates for drone hunting note that they are more similar to a single shot weapon than an assault rifle. Also they note that even those who have poor mobility can use them. “Once you learn the controls, there’s very little you can do to stop them,” said one. “A lot of militia guys get together and act tough and talk about how they can outrun you. Good luck.”

Texas Governor Greg Abbott says he is torn on the issue, in part due to large commercial interest from China to build drone weaponry in the state. He says he stands (metaphorically) with both sides.

Some hunters are also torn on the issue. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Cut and Shoot, Texas, said “I don’t like change, but that deer blowing up is my new phone wallpaper. I just wish a gun could do that.”

(Washington DC) As local and state leaders prepare for a massive ice storm headed to the US South, they are dismayed that FEMA, the Federal disaster response agency responsible for the federal response to the storm, has posted a “Go Fund Me” page to seek funding for the disaster response.

Go Fund Me is an webpage made famous by its use in America to replace most forms of government social support found in other nations. Users can donate money to help with causes, with a small percentage kept by the site, as well as the user’s personal information.

The page states the agency has been affected by government cuts after trump’s election, and thus they need donations totally “near or about $167 million” to respond to the storm. The current total is $27.47 as of 2pm Tuesday.

“We are doing our best,” said a spokeswomen who asked not to be identified as an official in the current administration. “Unfortunately, our response budget only covered the web design, the clip art licensing fees for the page, and the $27.47 we threw in to make it look like people had started donating. We hope the money starts flowing in soon, so we can get paid.”

The storm is predicted to put an inch or more of ice on the ground, creating dangerous conditions as trees and power lines are brought down. Those in the path of the storm are encouraged to prepare for power outages.

Americans don’t seem eager to help their fellow neighbors. Leo Sturbgetter, a New York cow detangler, said, “after Superstorm Sandy, these guys tried to cut our disaster funding saying it wasn’t necessary. Better bundle up… use layers.”

(Washington DC) Citing safety concerns for the building, the White House Press Office has requested Americans stop messaging the president about special powers they believe a Nobel Prize may have, including the power to magically deflect bullets.

Karoline Leavitt was stern at the podium. “Please stop telling the president that the prize grants a magic field that defects bullets, that it regenerates a finger, repels vampires, attracts underaged women while the owner twerks, or any of the other claims found online. We expect a certain level of maturity from cowardly liberals and our corrupt, lying mainstream media.”

Trump was given a used prize this week, in an attempt to bribe the president to invade another country and overthrow their leadership. Trump has accepted the prize, but not yet commented on the request.

Since the used prize was given, Americans have begun egging on the president, telling him the medallion has secret powers. After trump was removed from the White House roof following a comment saying it allowing a person to fly if worn around the neck, the messages have been piling on, leading to the announcement.

Ironically, a large portion of the president’s base believes these claims are real, leading to additional confusion, and possibly explaining trump’s attempt to fly. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in central Texas, said “I’m pretty sure Obama flew to those pizza orgies, and he had one of those medals. I say we should let the man try, no harm in it.”

Americans who don’t support the president agree with the sentiment, for different reasons.

(Copenhagen) As the US searches for the next distraction from the Epstein Files release, Denmark has taken a new approach to keep their protectorate of Greenland safe. Yesterday, the Danish government announced Greenland could be purchased by the US if the US president did twenty consecutive pushups.

“Twenty in a row, all the way up and down, no girl pushups,” said Danish foreign minister Lars Løkke Rasmussen. Trump called the terms unfair, citing a note from his doctor saying his wrist was hurt. “These terms are ridiculous, no man can do this. I can do this obviously, but I have a note. I’m the healthiest man on earth, but the doctor says I can’t go, otherwise Greenland would already be mine. Ours. I’m way too healthy… they should put me on that space station, that’s what I’m really telling you.” He made these remarks while playing 18 holes of golf at his New Jersey golf course.

If not able to do pushups, Danish officials said he could be televised running a 6-minute mile, or taking a math test on fractions. The White House says the Danes are stalling. “These are ridiculous terms to embarrass the president and America,” said press secretary Karoline Leavitt. “Fractions are too difficult when the needs to Americans are at stake.”

Not all republicans feel the offer is a bad deal. Leo Sturbgetter, an Illinois-based cow detangler, said “I do twenty pushups every morning, I know for certain my president does at least fifty. He probably wants to do them one-handed, and I understand his concern with the note and all.”

Greenland remained free at press time.

(Zürich, Switzerland) As tensions mount between the US and Iran, FIFA, the world governing body for football, released a press statement reiterating that their Peace Prize only involved match play as regulated by the sports authority. “This prize is only related to events occurring during football match play, on the pitch, during the time of regulation play.”

In December, FIFA awarded US president donald trump the peace prize, almost one month before the US attacked the capital of Venezuela and kidnapped their President, during a brief lull in US extrajudicial killings in the Gulf of Mexico. Trump called the award “one of the great honors of my life.”

FIFA notes that there have been no red cards issued since the award was presented, and trump himself has never been carded while on the field.

The announcement has caused some anger in Tehran, where officials are calling out FIFA for pulling sponsorship of continuous games being scheduled at air bases and military facilities around Iran, saying the games were only an attempt to use the good reputation of the peace prize to prevent attacks. FIFA called the move “so low, even we would rarely attempted it.”

(Minneapolis, MN) As Minnesotans remain pissed, ICE officers now can’t - or they have to drive back to the station to do so. Local businesses have begun placing signs denying entry to ICE officers for any purpose not serving a warrant, hampering their efforts and drawing loud anger from the White House. At a 7-11 in downtown Minneapolis, local police have been called repeatedly to remove ICE officers trespassing on private property, as this new form of protest takes hold.

“This is illegal,” trump said in remarks while playing golf at his club in Mara Lago Saturday. “Police can do whatever they want, ICE even more so. They can shoot anyone and they’re resisting arrest. It’s like Gaza, but better.”

Not so, says Minnesota State Police. “These are public businesses refusing service to people believed to be dangerous. We will continue to support the rights of businesses in our communities.”

The trump administration was furious when a judge denied a warrant for any officer to go into every convenience store, applebees, or costco food court, “due to the high likelihood of crime.” The decision is being taken to the Supreme Court Monday, on an emergency appeal.

In the meantime, ICE officers can be seen running into malls to use public bathrooms before the cops arrive, and can be seen eating military MREs, as the federal government works to ship them food from conservative vendors.

The irony has been noted by homeless members of the community. Leo Sturbgetter, a Minnesota cow detangler who lives in his car, said “they keep coming up to us asking to buy them food and cigarettes, but hell, they should know even a homeless person doesn’t want to be seen with that kind of trash.”

The Supreme Court is expected to rule Monday.

(Copenhagen) A war of words is brewing online, between the US president and Bjork - the famed Icelandic musician and activist. Between golf games Saturday, donald trump announced that US maps would now show the country of Greenland as “Goldland,” given the immense value of the mostly unpopulated country. “We are moving in and it’s all gold… gold on the ground, gold in the sky… it’s beautiful how golden it is.” The US has gained attention for trying to rename The Gulf of Mexico last year.

This prompted Bjork to post on social media: “I am a dream that cries, from the highest ice that is gold but melts in a mama’s arms,” which appeared to incense the president. He quickly responded to her post: “low energy, low talent, and low octane from Venezuela. Win win win. Thank you for your attention on this matter.” The two have been engaged in a back and forth argument for several hours, as media outlets wonder why the president’s aides and staff don’t cut him off, as statements such as “NAVY SEALS ON THE WAY YOU DIE” are met with “Pork chop pork chop pork chop Coca-cola green beat dip fairy party, as the world watches in fascination.

“We assume the president has locked himself in a room with a great deal of ketamine,” said a White House journalist close to the matter. None of the staff are allowed in the building, not that they are allowed this close to [Vice President] JD Vance’s pillow fort normally.” A spokesperson for the Secret Service says that the president is not physically in danger, although crying. Bjork’s press agent said she could not comment on the artist’s side of the conversation.

Most alarming to Republican legislators is the outcry of support from their base, supporting Bjork’s arguments in the incomprehensible rambling from both sides. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Missouri, said “yeah I’ve had a three porkchop and coca-cola day, maybe he should lay off the girl and attack the Democrats some more. That girl danced with a giant cat once. Leave her alone.”

(Washington DC) As anger stretches across parts of the US from the murder of Renee Good by ICE agent Jonathan Ross, comparisons to the failed rule of Benito Mussolini, the fascist dictator of Italy in World War 2, are beginning to surface around the internet. This is drawing anger from the White House, which insists Hitler is a much better comparison.

“The president is a strong leader with a strong military and fanatical supporters,” said press secretary Karoline Leavitt on Friday. “Much like Hitler, he is rounding up people who disagree with our policies, and starting conflicts to expand our territory.” Leavitt refused points from reporters that Mussolini did the same things, and insisted that Benito Mussolini sounded more like a pasta dish than a description of the president. “I would eat Mussolini all day if you offered.”

Trump also seemed angry at the comparison. At a golf game celebrating his 300th day golfing since reelection, he reacted strongly to questions from reporters. “Definitely Hitler,” he said. “Strong. Not the other guy. You just have to wait for our plan for trans people, you’ll get it. Ask the Jews, they know.” He refused to elaborate further.

Supporters say they’re alarmed by the comparisons to a weaker strongman. “It’s Hitler or nothing,” said one supporter, who asked not to be named due to his employment by ICE. “The comparison to Hitler is what got a lot of us onboard in the first place. I wish I knew who said it, I could just shoot someone right now.” That concern seems common to many republicans. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in central Kentucky, said, “I only back a winner. If he’s. Mussolini, we have the same backbone and ethics as the Italians did.”