Mental Health

Do you have trauma? This reads a lot like emotional flashbacks. I need a full day to recover from one.

Only you can answer that. Self love is the foundation of all other types of love. The pit of despair you’re in is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you feel unlovable, few if any will see someone who is a warm receptive landing place for their love. But the converse is also true. Once you cultivate self love, you will become magnetic towards being loved. That’s why self love is foundational.

Here’s the thing. Love is an infinite resource. Once you tap in, you can’t run out. Once you find your own source, it can never be depleted. So go find it for yourself. You don’t need to look externally. Just figure out what you want in your heart and do it.

Have you ever had any gender feelings? I used to have a pretty all encompassing hated for my appearance. Turns out it was the maleness I hated. Presenting femme for the first time unlocked a feeling of euphoria I had never felt before. Transitioning has allowed me to feel self love for the first time in my life.

Sorry if that's way off base, just wanted to throw it out there because a few years ago i had no idea at all that I might be trans. Wishing you the best.

Oh no! This isn't the kind of thing i expected from the title.

What feelings or little thoughts specifically occured when you saw yourself? Because I see this situation as either a negative ideation of your own appearance, OR a fear of being perceived(1) by others. So if you can't think of any could it actually be just a fear of being seen?

I have had this. One solution is to build up tolerance by going out for walks - picking parks and nature spaces first rather than places with mirror.

If it's negative perception of your outward appearance I'm not so sure what the exact solution is, but with time and exposure to the trigger it will pass. I would say that people have this extreme reaction if they are oversocialised to people critical of their appearance. So a nicer crowd of people helps. And take the time to cukltvate your appearance and become fond of it. Humans, like cats, groom themsekves more when they feel happy.

Alternatively, negative perception of yourself as a person. This is kind of a mix of nith of the above suggestions, and the key thing to do is to love yourself more, which helps with all things. You shouod feel happy that you made the effort to go out full stop.

Lastly, think about the spotlight effect .

(1) perceived by others is not limited to being seen but also doing phone calls, video calls, and having people tell stories about you. I reckon that this is exacerbated by us living in a technological culture where we use anonymous identities a lot and do not technically need to leave the house, but the root cause is feeling threatened by others, e.g due to traumatic events from your past.

Don't know what thoughts are haunting you, but reaching out is the first step. You should definitely seek out therapy if you can. It's not a fix-all but will provide you with the tools to manage your self hatred and start the journey of getting rid of it.

Remember that whatever you have done or felt that you have done, you are a human being and have a place in our society.

I echo therapy if it's doable, but it's not really a "cure-all". I went through a LOT of different therapists and then finally went through a traumatic event before the traumatic event (with the background work of one of the therapists) oddly enough made that self-hatred click off like a light switch. The hope with therapy is that you find someone who clicks well with you and can help you dive into this.

I will say this...

I suddenly realized that I was a human being.

It sounds weird to say that I never realized it before, but that's how it is. I would talk about myself like I was some sort of evil monster...a demon even.

But take a step back for a second. You're a human being. You fucked something up? Guess what, you're a human being. You have a character flaw? Guess what, you're a human being. You're not an automaton. You're not an android. You're not a robot. You're a human being. You are flawed. But your flaws don't make you any less of a human being...they make you MORE human and MORE worthy of love for it, not less. You are no different from me or any other poster here. We are all flawed beings. Always expecting that you should just know better or do better are just setting yourself up for failure.

There is a Japanese concept called kintsugi. When a dish or other piece of glassware breaks, it isn't just glued back with super glue. It is glued back with gold...reforming a functional dish, but putting its flaws on display as something beautiful.

I know that I'm babbling on with things that may or may not help or anything, but it's where my path went and you can eventually end up there too.

Here's a bit of a breakdown with specific steps that were involved with mine

1. Tried out a bunch of therapists, medications, etc. I stuck with one therapist for a while to be consistent even tho it didn't feel overly helpful. But one of her exercises she had me do was to write down all of the positive things about myself. I thought it was stupid but I did it anyway.

2. I said the positive list out loud.

3. The traumatic event happened and I angrily said the positive list out loud again...this time to someone who hurt me.

4. I realized that I was a human being. (And so are others!)

5. For many months, I would occasionally repeat this affirmation to myself: "You are a human being." I have given this affirmation to others as well. I like it because it is NOT pretending that you are better than you are, but it's very positive in its own way. Haven't needed to do it anymore, but it helped a lot for like 6 months.

6. I bought some wristbands online with positive affirmations and I have worn them nearly daily for the past maybe 8-10 months. I keep the words on the inside so that only I can see them. It sounds incredibly cheesy because it is, but it honestly has helped me a lot. I have different ones so I can be more mindful of what affirmation I want at any given time.

7. I continued therapy and changed medications several times until I was more stable. I have been on the same medication for around 6 months now and only see the therapist occasionally to check in.

So in all, my combo was intense therapy + traumatic realization + doing cheesy things to try to uplift myself + meds. Long fucking road.

I'm sorry I know this is long and rambling and maybe an intimidating read. Have you ever sought therapy before?

Probably got something or an expanse of things that happened to you. That's how most people come by it.

Why?

Most likely because your environment created the conditions for it. There is a small chance that it might be an innate aberration of your neurology. Statistically though, it was imposed on you.

Can you stop it from getting worse?

Yes, but only if you already know how. If you don't already know how, it might get worse during the time you need to figure how to stop it.

Now what?

Practice. Start with sobbing through the process of saying the words "I love me. I love this person I am. I love <jason_is_json>". It's ok to struggle with this. It's natural to cry. It's normal that you can't sustain it.

Practice. Cry. Regroup. Try again.

Eventually, try saying it out loud when you're alone. Cry more. Then, say it to one person you trust. Tell them you love yourself.

This is hard shit, ngl. It's gonna be a journey. Don't quit before the miracle happens.

It's important you know, especially if you are young, that you are currently immersed in a mental environment so toxic, that if you felt good most of the time it would indicate that something is wrong with you.

I know nothing about your life, so I really have little to offer, other than that: it is normal to feel terrible when the world is in the state that it is currently in. Many would say you have to get on with it, and they're right on a certain level, but you can't suppress reality 100% of the time.

If was really presuming to help you, we would have to talk a lot and kinda figure out the root of this self-disdain, cause there is something at the bottom of it, and spoiler, I AM 100% positive that someone else put it there, one way or another.

Do you have access to therapy? Talking to someone outside my life (not friends or family) really helped me about a decade ago when I was struggling with depression.