(Austin, TX) As the Texas Legislature completes a 90-day special session protecting gun rights, emergency legislation protecting “the sanctity of marriage” is also now clear of the state house and moving to the Senate. The “No Squirt Act” defines use of a bidet as a forbidden sex act in the state, placing it on par with sodomy, incest, and use of condoms on a Sunday. The Senate appears poised to pass the measure.
Texans roundly support the measure. “Bidet is a combination of the words Biden, and gay,” said Dallas resident and cow detangler Leo Sturbgetter. “There are no bidets in the bible. We are protecting our children’s behinds from getting any ideas… a child’s bottom cannot always be as safe as it is when they’re with a priest. That’s where the law comes in.”
Supporters are calling for a bidet burning to occur when the governor signs the legislation, and have begun scouring the state for one to burn. A Go Fund Me to acquire some from California, or France, has already received over $11,000.
California Governor Gavin Newsom has offered free bidets - if the receiving party uses it first - and says he has received numerous anonymous requests for more information, from numbers with Texas area codes.
With the governor’s race heating up in Texas, Democratic candidate James Talrico has fired the first shot on this issue, asking in an interview where Texans “think Ken Paxton sits on the matter.” The Paxton campaign has not yet responded, but rumors the Paxton household has a bidet hidden in their Satanic alter could greatly affect the already heated race.