SterlingPooper

Idk I think Hexbear is Jokerfying me. I just want to be a chill girlie with chill girlie friends. People are unkind about brain fog and dysphoria and rejection sensitivity though. I'm supposed to pull myself up, despite these things.

Like, my ideal friendship is with someone knows and understands all of this about me, and has their own plate of problems that I am learning about and accepting of as well. Friends stay aware of each other's wellness so they can help each other grow. There is back and forth, sometimes I help them and sometimes they help me. But we communicate about it.

I really think if you're too depressed to do something, a good friend (for me) is someone who is willing to step in to help. If you're too anxious to go out, they ask if they can come over. They see you when you flounder and they ask, what can I do? I really think that. Sorry if it's regarded, or petarded.

If this is intense, frankly I don't understand "low-intensity" friendships. "we watch a sport and I go home and he goes home until next week" you're describing a zoo enclosure nice try

Too scared to apply for jobs because they'll call me back and I have to be ready to talk on the phone.

People here are getting sick of me, when I thought opening up about mental health/gender issues would help me. I thought I would eventually connect with others who face similar things but that hasn't happened yet.

I don't know if there is "solving" this by myself. I really believe in having friends who are going through what I'm going through. People say they're happy, even comfortable not being perceived, and I think that's fucking sad. I want Depression friends. I want Gender friends. I'm not scared of these thoughts within myself. I want to be able to be there for people.

I don't think people on Hexbear like how much I talk about it, like I'm supposed to be a rugged queer cowboy with my rugged little individualism. It reminds me of, well, bootstraps logic.

"just pull yerself up by yer rainbow bootstraps and solve your life, queen!"

Like, teach me to ask. Teach me these things. I want to be like the normals. I would learn so willingly if someone would teach. You. Don't. Understand.

Idk if you reach a certain point and you lose empathy for the eggs, or you become unwilling to engage, I don't know if I'm perceived as a wrecker or just a confused boy.

I know that I feel the legitimacy of my problems. Whether you people are all secret friends with secret group chats or not, I know what I am experiencing every day, and that I need support from people who aren't waiting to be convinced of my legitimacy.

something something it's called the Left because they leave you to flounder

Like I will stand there and stare at the person until the interaction ends. I do not know what to say, frequently.

I have to fill out job applications, which means they can call me back at any point, which means I need to be ready to answer. Which means I can't do anything because I need to be prepared.

I hate this. My coping skills have only gotten worse. The more I think about all this stuff the more I just want to go smoke some weed and forget about it.

I keep thinking about disappearing. If just one person had stuck around when I first started talking about killing myself, then it wouldn't be like this. I could've had a friend, support, gotten my life together.

Probably just getting high today Getting high helps me feel pretty

I once again ask, how the fuck and when the fuck am I supposed to be making friends

I really need there to be explicit "well, I guess that makes us friends" kinds of moments or, I shit you not, I will not make any inferences from the interaction. I'll assume you meant well but would ultimately rather never see me again.

If you indicate that you will see me around, or express interest in future plans, that's pretty clear too, although if we don't set it up then, I don't really know if you meant it. I myself don't feel this agency in most situations, because I assume that the other person is more in the position to say "I like this person, the interaction shall continue". Like I have less of an opinion, somehow, or less of a say?

I can't do the lonely thing my whole life like some people can. This is gonna whittle me down.

Gonna try again to find an in-person therapist. One place just has an intake form on their website, and it feels sketchy to fill it out and input all my info without like, talking to someone I guess?

I can also go through my university I'm pretty sure. It's annoying because obviously there are resources, but they're just elusive somehow? And there are queer people around but like, I just don't see all that many events that appeal to me?

Other people appear to be meet up with people they already know. I don't know a single other queer person on campus. I don't see an obvious opportunity to meet people.

I also know that I'm fucking weird in that I'd be way more likely to go to more things if I had one person. I need to be made to socialize, frankly.

I'm using Tinder again because I don't know where or how people meet around here. I want a relationship, but I also have zero friends, and I don't know what I want or who I want to be when I'm in a relationship.

You'd think the more you post the more others would engage, but there's probably something there that I'm missing too.