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Today, I watched a great video by Shar, on YouTube.

I definitely recommend you check it out!

Shar's channel is really awesome. I love the mix of silly, short videos, and longer videos that delve a bit deeper into the topic at hand. Also, she's really talented! Her art is great, she's a developer, her editing is really cute and bubbly; watching her videos feels like eating cotton candy. Rather, it feels like what I envision eating cotton candy to be like. In truth, I never have a good time eating cotton candy. It's too messy.

I digress. Great videos!!

Oftentimes (glorious word, by the way, "oftentimes"), I find myself strongly enamoured

read, falling deeply and madly in love

with random people online. I've come to realize that this is a pretty common phenomenon. I really like Shar's videos, so I can't help but imagine that I'd really like Shar herself. Is this a so-called parasocial relationship?

Perchance; Mayhaps.

This has reminded me of a TikToker I used to follow. I still follow her actually, technically, I just uninstalled TikTok. I forget her @, but everyone called her "unc," which was funny in itself, but her videos were all about gambling with gas station scratch-offs. I can feel violent laughter bubbling up within me just from typing that out. What a concept. She's a marketing genius.

Continuing. She got tons of comments saying stuff like "fly me out unc" or "pay for my lodging at a place close to your location, unc," and other similarly parasocial requests related to a commenter's desire to meet the creator in the flesh. Pardon the run-on sentence, there. I don't want to meet my favourite creators at all!

I follow lots of people; I watch lots of people's stuff on the regular; I enjoy and laugh at their uploads, and I imagine that they are fun and pleasant to be around. However, I don't want to meet them!

I very much enjoy watching their silly videos and reading their cool posts, but I enjoy doing that from the comfort of my home; safely, through a screen. Not that I think Shar (or anyone else whose content I consume) would be particularly dangerous to be in the vicinity of, mind you. It's moreso a matter of practicality, in the sense that meeting new people is inherently dangerous, regardless of the people in question.

An aside: it seems "moreso" is, at best, a dubious spelling of the word-phrase "more so." I find this incredibly disparaging. Moreso looks very cool. I will continue to use it.

Anyway. I really love finding these nuggets of lovely on the internet. I love finding things to love.

Met up with my parents and brother today.

I love my parents and my brother :D

Feeling very happy.

Ate some seafood today, which I love. Feeling very happy about that too. Overall, today was a good day.

Slowly, things get better.

I took the train today. Twice; to and fro. It was so much fun. I love taking the train.

I watched videos about comic books. Those were fun too! I love art and people that make art. I love the process and the end result.

I had a job interview today. It went well. I think I talk too much and keep saying the wrong things all the time, but I hope that I can get it across to people that I really am just trying to get by. I'm just doing what I think is OK to do in a way that I think it's OK to do them in.

I trimmed my pants yesterday. "Trim" as in I cut some loose threads and whatnot; it gets them looking much better, I think, and it's kind of therapeutic, in a way. It's very methodical, I guess; it's the repetitive process of looking for loose threads and snipping them.

I listened to some good music today. I love Megurine Luka very much. The main songs I had on repeat were Black Gold, Depression of Cybernetics, and No Logic. I love love love those songs! So much!

Spoke with my parents too, virtually. I'll probably end up meeting up with them tomorrow. Looking forward to that.

I haven't been sleeping all too well... As a consequence, I've been terribly tired...

Sometimes I wonder if I should be meaner.

I'm quite mean in my head, often. I think very mean things about others, but I catch myself and correct my thoughts. I say things like "that person is an idiot" (I often used more intense words) but then correct myself to thinking "they probably just misunderstood something." That sort of things. "That person is an asshole" to "that person might be having a bad day."

I feel like that's the right thing to do. There's really no reason to believe that people are bad, there's nothing to gain in doing that and I'd argue there's actually much to lose. I'd argue, but I won't, as that's not the point of this post.

Continuing.

I wonder if it could be better to not do that as much. For example, sometimes people really are just idiotic assholes. Sometimes just idiots, sometimes just assholes, sometimes neither. However, couldn't it be correct to assume it, sometimes?

For example, I think the block button should be used. I'm a big proponent of blocking people. I've blocked people on Reddit, on Twitter, I think I've blocked people on Lemmy even, on TikTok, on YouTube (you can't actually block people, I don't think, but you can effectively remove them from sight), etc. I've blocked people wherever I've been and there have been people there. Discord, too. I do this because I don't think it is my job to suffer other people's idiocy and assholiness; it is not my responsibility to suffer others.

I feel that that might be a bit... I don't know. Extreme? But good. I'm curating my online experience, and there's certain strains of people that I just don't want to be a part of my life.

Can this be applied to other aspects of how I think about people? Instead of assuming goodness or neutrality, instead of presupposing something exogenous that is causing perturbing behaviours I just block them out. Even IRL, it's not my job to tolerate assholes and idiots. Ignoring people is rude, but maybe that's just the best way to go about things.

I've been writing some Go (golang) for fun; and it is fun!

I don't get why people say it's "boring" or something. I heard Theo from t3 say that it doesn't make him feel smart

whatever that means; whatever reason he might want that lol

but I don't get that at all. It's not boring, it's cool! I LIKE IT!!! GO IS FUN!!

I've recently developed a mild obsession with Megurine Luka.

As such, I'd like to share some of my favourite Luka songs! In no particular order.

No Logic (absolutely LOVE this one; this is what put me on to Luka)

Master of Puppets

Iya Iya Seijin

Ame to Kusari

Black Gold (possibly my favourite)

Depression of Cybernetics

LUKA LUKA ⭐ NIGHT FEVER

I feel like Luka's dancing is kinda... Awkward? If that makes sense. It feels very normal and average. Some songs, like LLNF do have some more complex movements, but then there's No Logic. It makes her feel somewhat more human; less like a virtual idol and more like just a virtual girl that happens to sing. That's really cool, I think. That being said, her songs are absolute bangers, no two ways about it.

A streamer I love plays Project DIVA so we get to play lots of Luka songs. It's awesome! :D

I've had this lineup on repeat for a while, now. I hope to add more gems to my Lukartoire (Luka repertoire).

Faced with finding a job, I ask myself what I care about. What would I like to do?

The answer is nothing.

I really don't care about anything... Sometimes it'd so weird to hear people talk passionately about a subject. I've spoken passionately before, there are things that I'm passionate about, but not in a "do" sort of way. I'm passionate about my family, about injustices in the world, about music, about art. I'm passionate about a lot of things, really. But I wouldn't want to "do" any of them.

I wonder if it would be best to just find a menial job. Something that isn't anything in particular. It's just something people do because someone has to do it. They're not well-paid, which is a shame and annoying, but I suppose that's fine too. I just... I imagine everything else would be torture.

I wouldn't be using my degree, but I don't think I care, frankly.

I'll see if I can get a job at McDonald's.

Things are so complicated, sometimes. It's weird to think that everything is just people; things could get fixed if people just did them, if people acted together and swiftly, coordinated.

It's just weird to think about that.

I'm leaving my PhD.

Made the decision a couple of days ago, I think, but I only made it true today. I really hated this... My mom wasn't even surprised, though apparently my grandma and my brother were both shocked. My supervisor is pissed, also because, admittedly, I really didn't give him any warning I was feeling this way. But, I mean, what was I supposed to do?

I think this was a mistake. I hate research.

OK.

Then?! I mean, it's not that the issue is the projects or him or the university. The problem is, undeniably, ME! I don't want to be there. I got myself in too deep, I don't want to be in this world, so I decided to leave. I could've left sooner, sure, I couldn't left later... I could've left at a more convenient time for my supervisor, but I'm really not in the mood to torture myself any longer. I reached my breaking point, so I broke. It took time to reach this conclusion, it couldn't be helped.

Now, I hope I don't have to give the grant money back or pay the tuition... It's not particularly likely that I'll have to pay buy the grant money, but I might have to pay back the tuition, since the grant provider might not have payed it yet and may refuse to do so. It's fine, I can afford it, I think... But still. If I have to give everything back I'll be financially set back quite significantly, but that's life, I guess.

Good luck to me!

I'm so tired... I really need to get some proper shut-eye some time soon...