::: spoiler spoiler There are lot of reasons the world gives us to hate being trans, I think even the most principled trans positive person is bound to feel it sometimes. I'm sorry it's been so difficult
Being stealth for whatever the reason is fine, but maybe it doesn't all have to be hate and shame. Easier said than done, of course, but I think any trans person you've shown kindness to would want you to feel some of that kindness and understanding as well.
To whatever the future brings!
At least I have gaming.