Saw this one hyper active socialist blogger on medium who reviewed amber's book and said that they are a socialist who got into their politics through chapo but stopped being active because they went to three meetings and it seemed like "an irl meeting of redditors" and it made me annoyed.

First of all, so many people pretend to be leninists and hold themselves to a series of political standards and believe in political discipline in some sense. Do you really think your encounter with a bunch of socialists isn't in someway mediated by your own internal biases? Like so many people who complain about this stuff explicitly say they got annoyed by being asked pronouns so like I totally think the 20% of people who don't say that it's about using pronouns are just not saying the quiet part outloud.

Second, so much of these sorts of confessions read like the narcism of small differences. Really, you encountered a bunch of people with shared interests and they all sucked? Did you ever consider that maybe you yourselves are actually cringy or that you hate yourself and you saw a bunch of people who are alot like you and it upset you to see you're own reflection? Maybe that's not a problem with the DSA or the left, maybe that's a you problem and you should work on that.

And lastly is just the fact that for an atomized, alienated subject whose social interactions are minimal and are usually online and based on hatred either shared or outwards, any sort of large scale social meeting that's earnest is gonna feel bad at first. Work on it. So many things that are good for you like recovering from a drug addiction, starting to get a reading habit, going to the gym, cutting out sugar and processed foods, drinking less coffee, suck complete dick for the first 2-4 weeks.

If you're lonely and your problem is you need more people in your life, go out and do it. It's gonna suck at first like all good things do. Sure if you want to vent about how it's hard or it sucks go ahead feel free. I'm not going to shame you. But on the other hand if you tell me "I'm dehydrated but drinking water sucks because I'm used to soda" sure I can sympathize and be understanding when you fall off or want to complain. That's ok. What isn't ok is "I'm dehydrated, but drinking water sucks because I'm used to soda, therefore drinking water is bad actually and I'm just gonna let myself die but also have a bit of ironic distance from that and pretend it's water's fault" then I'm sorry but while I'm happy to work through those feelings I'm not happy to just endlessly validate them if you have no intention to change them.

Anyway this would just be pretty masterbatory if I was just complaining about a type of guy I hate but I feel like any sort of critism should be paired with self-criticism to keep it dialetical and also not to fall into the social media trap of talking shit about people you hate to make yourself look better in comparison.

I've been feeling pretty alienated for alot of reasons and loney and while I've been working on my social life I got really depressed that I'm probably at a point where even though I'm working really hard on getting my social life back together I'll most likely never be at the point where I hangout with people during the week days and I can only look forward to hanging out with people on the weekends which just isn't fulfilling enough.

So on a semi-related note. My partner has been wanting to go to social events at the local grocery co-op. I feel out of place there and there are alot of vegan types there so I've been encouraging them to go without me and they haven't really done that. These events are usually fridays and thursdays and have a turnout of like 8-15 people at them. Roughly 1/3rd students, 1/3rd classic vegan types and 1/3 regular working class members of the community.

I woke up and realized the other day that I've been walling in my own misery despite the fact that the solution has been in front of me for a year and I've just been ignoring it. I've been thinking this whole time how all the other anti-social personalities annoy me but I haven't even looked in the mirror at my own anti-social behavior. So when my partner comes back home from work I'm going to talk to them about making an effort to go to these events regularly.

Too tired to explain the history of my body but long story short, I have TMJ and knee pain from the stress of manual labor and busting myself through grad school while working full time, commuting, doing physical therapy twice a week plus gym 4 times a week and I have severe chronic insomnia from..... idk, been 2 years now since i've slept an entire week in a row and my doctors just tell me to "work out until your exagusted like really tired yoo.

As if I haven't maintained my 3-4 day a week workout schedule or that trying to do that renders me semi-immobile for 2-4 days because my muscles can't heal and then i'm both sleep deprived AND in immense physical pain.

I fucking hate doctors, We make it not only so disabled people can't practice medicine but even able bodied people can't do it. You have to be an ubermensch from a rich family and it produces a system of people who are constitutionally incapable of imagine a person having a health problem that comes from anything other than a moral failing.

Today was my birthday weekend. Because my immune system was shoot from a particularly bad insomniac boat this week I failed to go to the gym and failed to avoid being sedentary for 4 days in a row. As a result when I went to the city today my bad knee put me in cripling full body pain to the point where I was holding back tears, having small hallucinations (nothing super crazy just having my field of vision being manipulated and seeing things move that were still) and almost fainting at like 2-3 points.

So that basically ruined the whole day for me and I came back dead tired. Wanted to go to the emergency room but I know for a fact that if you can still walk and perform basic motor function that doctors will refuse to give you muscle relaxers. Wanted to go home and relax but I knew I had to do a bunch of stretches or else risk waking up immobile and having to call the hospital anyway.

On top of that a DSA comrade called me out of the blue asking me to explain why my legal name on my venmo is different than the name I go by. In zoom calls I try to specify that I go by (they/them) and I don't really try to explain that I want to transition but want to be more economically stable first because I have a right-wing family so I'd rather just go by something that isnt my dead name in queer and political spaces. So I'm going to have to explain my gender over text or else he's gonna get sus. The thing is that he's a very good comrade and theres a chance he'll understand but ***I just really, really don't want to fucking bother with this when a few hours ago it felt like every tendon was trying to pull my body apart from the inside like one of those mediaeval executions where your limbs are tied to horses going in opposite directions but coming from inside your body instead.

I'll admit that I can't really imagine anyone can provide anything really productive here, just wanted to get it off my chest and vent.

Long story short I want to get a daily push up routine in addition to my gym schedule and being perfectly honest I don't see myself having the strength to do a regular push up for a long time if ever. The issue is that I'm just quite tall and at a 25 BMI while I'm not particularly "fat" I am heavy in absolute terms and I just dont realistically see my upper body getting strong enough to support that weight without a level of training that I doubt I have the capacity to do.

So that leaves me with doing push ups where I support my lower body with my knees. The issue I'm finding is that my knees are also not that great at supporting my weight (even if I didn't have a bad knee I'm sure it'd be pretty normal for them to hurt in this situation) and my pillow isn't stable enough to get a good push up without changing my position slightly with each push up which isn't great for multiple reps.

Are there any good solutions you can think of where I wouldn't have to buy anything to put under my knees? Household goods or other methods? I know I can buy an exersize mat but I don't really use them for other workouts and I want to cut down on the amount of money I spend

Seriously the only person I know who did this lived in the rich kid part of my town, ruined the first half of his 20's by completely self-inflicted drug addictions (90% of it was weed, 10% was random shit his weed dealers gave him when he was bored) and then after calling someone an NPC went on to speculate if he lived in a simulation.

He has an entry-level IT job which good for him, he might at least become more of a serious adult if he moves out of his parents house for a few years.

Can't wait to see what happens when the clock strikes midnight and he discovers his dog is dead for real