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this post was submitted on 25 Aug 2024
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I've got a theory that women put more effort into dating apps than we think. It's just spread across so many more people.
Oh yeah, I've seen the other side of things through female friends. They generally have the opposite problem as men.
I'd heard about guys doing stupid shit on dating apps like sending unsolicited dick pics or just going straight for sexual stuff and figured it was maybe a "yeah it happens once in a while" kinda thing, because I'd personally never do something like that. But in fact it seems like a large portion of the interactions are just that bad.
So I can understand not putting in a lot of effort initially. Starting with small talk and making sure it's not a waste of your time. I do the exact same thing.
But even after it feels like I've started to establish a rapport with someone, the conversation still can feel incredibly one-sided. It's like, okay, at this point you're just kinda being disrespectful. And it happens over and over again.
Drop these conversations, let them go cold. This person clearly has no affinity with you or doesn't value you. Move on.
Yes, thank you, I never would have figured that out without your brilliant insight.
Unfortunately, because of the aforementioned probationary period at the start of any conversation, it can take some time before it becomes clear that the other person just isn't that interested.
Can I still be annoyed at my time and effort being wasted? Or is it just my fault for being a man on a dating app?
Morta is trying to fix your problem. Stop resisting and stop being a baby! /s
No wonder. Good luck
I mean, I think alittle? Not because of the reasons you think, though, and it's not really 'your fault'. More of a pitfall that most people fall into.
TLDR: ditch the apps and try to get out into more social situations through clubs and sports. The 'right one' will come along when you are more socially able an mm you'll likely make friends along the way (genuine friends are WAY more important for staying sane).
So, tinder specifically objectifies and compresses you into a blurb and some photos - it basically cans you for mass consumption. When you finally get 'bought', you only get a chat box to communicate unless you actually exchange contacts, and the whole thing's kind of terrible in general because of that. I've tried bumble and it's pretty much a similar thing.
There's this thing sometimes called the 'predator/prey relationship model' by feminists, and dating apps explicitly reinforce this model, with the only minor change being that bumble required the woman to open the interaction. The predator/prey relationship makes it so that in our society, dudes are expected to go out, find a random woman they fancy, and 'pounce' them, essentially. Originally, this was quite literal if you have heard some stories of relationships starting in the 40s and 50s where a couple got together because the guy was just constantly unrelenting. This has shifted to being more egalitarian and consensual but still requires the guy to basically peacock to gain the woman's approval. Once it officially becomes a relationship, the woman is expected to be submissive while the man is expected to be dominant. It's a pretty old-fashioned relationship style that still affects modern dating today. Some folks even still subscribe to it.
The better model that I think is more natural is to just go out and find new friends and groups I can participate in. This way, anyone you might date sees you in more context. You get more practice being social, which can be helpful in actually getting someone to become attracted to you, at which point they might actually start putting in effort.