The Onion

Just because Seattle is the only city in Washington state anyone has heard of doesn’t mean that everyone from Washington state is from Seattle:

“I hereby order Igor Lytvynchuk to return to Hawaii to face federal penalties of up to a $70,000 fine and year in prison, and for the general public to note this guy is actually from a suburb people live in just to seem 2% better than people in Kent, not Seattle,” said U.S. District Judge Paula McCandlis. “Sure, we have many pieces of our own shit living in Laurelhurst, etc, but please let it be stated for the record that this particular steaming pile of crap is from Covington.”