Lytvynchuk is listed as the president of IL Logistics, Inc., a Seattle based logistics company, according to a filing with the Washington Utilities and Transportation Commission.
this post was submitted on 16 May 2026
18 points (100.0% liked)
The Onion
7323 readers
31 users here now
The Onion
A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.
Great Satire Writing:
- The Onion
- Clickhole
- McSweeney's
- Reductress
- The Chaser
- The Hard Times
- The Needling
- Tattletale Times
- The Beaverton
founded 4 years ago
MODERATORS
Just because Seattle is the only city in Washington state anyone has heard of doesn’t mean that everyone from Washington state is from Seattle:
“I hereby order Igor Lytvynchuk to return to Hawaii to face federal penalties of up to a $70,000 fine and year in prison, and for the general public to note this guy is actually from a suburb people live in just to seem 2% better than people in Kent, not Seattle,” said U.S. District Judge Paula McCandlis. “Sure, we have many pieces of our own shit living in Laurelhurst, etc, but please let it be stated for the record that this particular steaming pile of crap is from Covington.”
“It’s already a crime to say you’re from Seattle when you’re not, ...
Sir, this is a Wallingford's.
In the meantime, Hawaii was reportedly waiting for anyone in either Seattle or Covington to kick his ass too.
I mean, I know that they're joking, but:
After the May 5 video surfaced, Lytvynchuk was assaulted by another man. Breiner said they know who he is, but they will not be pressing charges.
“He was beaten pretty badly. There were no broken bones, but yeah, he had welts all over his back, his head, shoulders,” Breiner said.
"The Monk Seals have a message for ya..."