I am M41. I have a son who is 5, almost 6. The little guy is quite sensitive and cries relatively easily:
- He hates having to wash his hands. Mom and I wash our hands right away when we come home from outside, and often after touching dirty things or before meals. He hates it. He often cries when asked to wash his hands, sometimes for 10 minutes or more. Saying "we also do it" does not help. Washing his hands for him does not help. I asked him what are the worst things about washing hands, but he could not elaborate.
- One day recently, when I took him home from daycare (it was around 16 in the afternoon), he asked me to play with him. I said: "I need to empty the dishwasher first; then I will come play with you." He broke down and cried until I finished my housework and came to play with him.
- He wants Mom to put him to sleep every night. If my wife is out and he has to go to sleep with me, he sometimes cries himself to sleep. I have not found anything I can do that helps.
Whenever he cries or is otherwise in the grip of negative emotions, I try to be as supportive as I can without encouraging it. I talk softly to him, hug him if he wants it, stay close to him if he wants it, and go away if he wants that. I try to praise him when he DOES manage to calm himself down, and NOT reward him for throwing tantrums.
When he cries he often asks to watch TV. I try to avoid letting him watch TV to calm down, but once in a while I cave in and give him TV.
All these things have always been problems, but it seems to me that these behaviours have grown worse this last half year. Do you have any advice?
Thanks in advance!
Thanks for the suggestion.
I have talked to him a couple of times about the hand-washing, and as far as I can tell it does not appear to be sensory. When I ask him whether it feels uncomfortable or painful or weird for his hands, he says no.
I am pretty sure I did that. He didn't want to participate. (It's been two weeks, so I do not remember all the details.)
He might not be able to identify if it feels weird, or what weird really means, even. He would just feel the feeling, and you would see evidence like him being distressed or crying, which you are seeing. All 3 of my kids have autism, and so does my grandson, whom I also care for. Autism is hereditary, and can come with reduced ability to identify feelings in your body, interception. He can't intellectualise his feelings yet. Just remember, although some things might look like tantrums, all emotions are valid, and deserve consideration. So don't worry about why hes sad, focus on being there for him though the emotion, don't focus on what it's about. Children don't have fully formed pre frontal cortex, which offer us an ability to control and filter our emotions, they just fall out of your head. You have to be his pre frontal cortex and offer calm, supportive patience. Those bits where you sit with him through his emotions. Exactly like that. Don't worry about the why, or getting him to move on, just be there through the feeling, take time with him. When Children have big feelings, they can feel very unsafe, and out of control, if you just stay, without getting impatient, in that moment, it can ground him. Essentially he will absorb your feelings. He will feel supported, and safe. You will find his emotions will start to calm sooner, and he will have less outbursts. People tend to invalidate children's emotions and be impatient with them, but they have no basis for comparison for what's a valid thing to be sad about or not, they just feel and it falls out. And they need you to be there. Just think what you would want if you felt like that, regardless of what it's about, just if you felt that sad, what would help you. Try a few things, see what works best. I would suggest you definitely need to look into testing, so you can support your son's specific needs. If you're still calling autism by aspergers, you might really benefit from grabbing a few newer books, or listening to some newer audiobooks, on the developments made in supporting autism. I feel like that would benefit you and help you connect with your son. You're doing great. Parenting is an ever learning job. And every kid needs a whole individual book for themselves. Just when you think you have everything down, something new crops up.