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The handwashing struggle reminds me of autism or adhd and sensory overload- doesn't mean he's on the spectrum, but you might do some research and keep your eyes open for for other signs. If hes on the spectrum diagnosis is easier as a child, and there may be resources for both you and him
I have ADHD and was a pretty sensitive child myself, and struggled with the sensory feeling of hand washing for long time
Agree. The child could be on the spectrum, and it is a spectrum so there might be few indicators besides what OP describes.
Thanks for the reply! I do have Asperger myself (though I do not have these particular problems, nor did I as a child).
I have talked to him a couple of times about the hand-washing, and as far as I can tell it does not appear to be sensory. When I ask him whether it feels uncomfortable or painful or weird for his hands, he says no.
Still, it might be worth getting him tested. Thanks.
Regardless of potential autism, it might be worth trying to add something of novelty or interest to him, such as involving him in choosing hand wash that has a scent or colour or bottle shape that he likes, or a foaming texture, perhaps. Just something interesting that makes it more appealing to him in some way — novelty is a powerful force for kids.
Agency too, if you can get him involved in the picking of a new hand wash — rather than framing it as "we're getting the hand wash you want so that you wash your hands" (which seems likely to draw out more resistance from him), it might be better to frame it as "we have decided we don't like this hand wash and want to get a different kind, but mommy and I can't agree on what is best. Can you help us to decide? In my experience as someone who isn't a parent, but has lots of experience with kids of this age, this works best if you can keep the kid from thinking too much about the task they dislike, so some rhetorical sleight of hand might be necessary.
I wonder whether having his own special hand towel in a design that he likes might help. This is probably much more likely to help if he is an active part of picking a new one out, because then it will feel like his. Maybe if he seems to like the idea of his own towel that's especially his, it might help to reinforce this further by having someone other than him go as if to use the towel, but then be "told off" by someone who gently, but firmly says that no, that's your son's towel, and only he is allowed to use it (and that if they want to use it, they have to ask him).
Tricks like these are silly, but so are kids — especially at that age. It could be that he's just becoming aware of his burgeoning agency, and also aware of all the ways that his parents are restricting that agency. What helps difficult kids through this state varies a lot, but the above suggestions are all to do with facilitating his sense of agency. Some kids act out less if they feel they are getting some conceptual space of their own, so to speak. I've seen kids who used to need to be dragged out of the park kicking and screaming when it was time to go turn into kids who will happily skip along holding your hand when their playtime runs out, simply by asking "we've got time to play one more game before we leave — would you rather [do X or y]?", or even something that amounts to "would you rather leave now, or have one last go on the slide?". Doesn't work for all kids, but it blows my mind at how effective it is, on average.
Along these lines, giving kids tasks to do can also work well for some kids. There's not too many ways that a kid that young could help with unloading the dishwasher, but the perks of them being that young is they're much less likely to notice if they are someone who likes to help, but you have given them busywork to do. To see whether your kid responds well to this kind of thing, try to ease into it subtly. Something that I found useful in this context was the advice to "not talk to the child like they're someone you have authority over when you're asking them to help in a task that's intended to empower their developing sense of agency — instead, think of it like you do genuinely want to spend time with them, and you're requesting their help as you would a friend".
Low level ways of helping might be asking if he could keep you company, because it'll help it to go faster. Some kids respond well to a parent or authority figure emphasising some emotional vulnerability as to why they'd appreciate the help (i.e. "I should have done this sooner, but I felt sad because I didn't want to do it. Could you come and keep me company and distract me as I do it by [telling me about the latest episode of Thomas the Tank Engine/teaching me that song you were singing earlier/etc.]")
A concrete task related way I can think of him potentially helping with the dishwasher is perhaps putting away the cutlery (after you've put away anything sharp, ofc). Even if he doesn't have the dexterity/height to be able to do much here, he could potentially do things like collecting together and passing you each kind of cutlery item, as you ask for them (if he clicks with this kind of thing, I mean. Some of the most misbehaving little terrors I have ever looked after became enthusiastic angels when I gave them some responsibility. Kids are weird like that). A less active task might be for him to hold the cutlery caddy near you as you put away the cutlery (it's been a long time since I hung out with young kids, so I don't remember how strong or dextrous 6 year olds tend to be, tbh). But just holding non breakable things for you. If you do this, it tends to work best if you ambush them with it in a casual way, rather than asking them to come in with you to do this Task. For some kids, the goal is to give them opportunities to help without it coming across like a Task(TM), because then they'll resist even harder. Try to ground the requests in how it would help you, e.g. holding an item for you means you don't have to bend down each time, and can finish sooner. Some kids like it when you make the task seem larger than it is by saying stuff like "it's pretty heavy — do you think you're strong enough to hold this for me? (When you know that it's absolutely something they're capable of holding without too much effort)".
I think this also links back to the agency thing. Young kids often have a difficult period where they're coming to realise that they're humans, just like we are, and I think they're pretty reasonable to be pissed off at being told "we know better than you do, do what we say". I'm just rambling at this point though. Sorry about that. The lack of brevity is partly due to insomnia but partly because I had a whole toolbox of strategies that I'd cycle through when figuring what each kid would respond to. I usually managed to find a way to relate to them though.
If there were Lemmy gold, this comment would deserve it. This is spot-on. I work with children OP's child's age, all of whom are on the autism spectrum, and everything said here are techniques I use on a daily basis. From encouraging their agency, to providing forced choices (like the advice at the park of choosing either X or Y), to encouraging them to "help" you instead of telling them the thing is something they have to do.
There's not much I can add here, just keep up with the praise when he does something you want him to do. Like with lifting something, sometimes I have a kid who doesn't want to do something like carry their own backpack. They might say, "It's heavy," but when they do carry it I go, "Wow, look at how strong you are!" Or after they carry it and they put it down where it belongs, I say, "Show me those big muscles!" and do the arm-flex thing so they'll imitate me.
Overall, it's a long process. Change won't happen overnight. It requires being aware of what you're saying and how you're phrasing it, which can be difficult to adjust to, but not impossible. Either way, continuing with the steps you're doing and following the advice in the comment above are a solid way to help your child follow through on such tasks.
Hmm. Yeah not getting any feedback from him as to what the struggle is feels like it'd be really frustrating as a parent, trying to figure out what to do to support him
Neurodivergence does tend to get passed down so its definitely worth keeping back of mind. But yeah I can see how that'd make sensory issues feel like a less likely explanation
Sending love, I hope you're able to find a path that takes things in a direction that works well for the both of you, this seems like kind of a challenging situation to navigate as his dad
Thanks.
Adding to this - it is definitely worth getting tested for as early as possible if you have any suspicion, because you and your child will have many more resources available to you going forward, especially with school.
Our experience was that the elementary school kept pushing it off "until next year" because he was getting good grades - even though completing the work was a struggle.
Father of three here. Sounds like a mixture of giving in to all his demands and him demanding your time and attention. So keep at it not giving in to all his whims just because he melts down.
That being said, the things you describe sound more like genuine sadness and dispar. Leaving you kid all day in daycare, they might have a genuine and relatable need for your time and attention. I understand that's the economic reality for many people, but children need their parents time and attention and at that point he has not only waited all day to see you, but is also probably tired and has no more patience left.
Putting him to sleep is about comfort for him that he knows. For a father there is a time to start doing that so he gets used to it. Have you tried bringing him to bed when your partner is home? Start together, but you read the bedtime story or whatever. Then gradually reduce your partners presence until you can go it alone. Be aware that he might actually insist you bring him to bed on days your partner is home now.
Finally with things he needs to do but doesn't want to: give him a few minutes to get himself to do it but make sure he knows there is no way around it and when his time runs out you do it anyways. Usually they prefer doing it themselves instead of being forced to do it.
Being that sensitive at that age might be a sign of more things like autism or ADHD, but much more likely its a sign of how he is used to getting what he needs which might often be attention not what the fight actually started. Try encouraging him to spell out what he needs from you and doing things independently from you.
E.g. "go wash your hands while I unload the dishes, if you are done when I'm done, we can play immediately"
Finally: TV is not the devil and if it gives you an hour to calm down yourself and have the energy to deal with him properly, that is fine. Just don't use it to calm him down or avoid confrontation.
Sounds like you have a full day and a full life. You can do it! :)
For the hands, are his hands dry? They might be irritated and washing is unpleasant because of that?
Ask for help on things like the dishwasher, give them a bit of power to help their situation, they might help, they might make it harder on you while "helping" but the offer and possible help might make it feel like they have agency.
The mom thing I have no advice, it comes and goes in waves. My kid varies who's #1 between me and Mom, but really, it's always Grandma, or the dog.
For the hands, are his hands dry? They might be irritated and washing is unpleasant because of that?
Growing up my hands and elbows were always so dry (kids used to call me elephant because of how dry they were) and washing my hands HURT so much. I still hardly wash them because I never got into the habit of it.
When I was a kid I would pretend to wash my hands.
Thanks for the suggestion.
I have talked to him a couple of times about the hand-washing, and as far as I can tell it does not appear to be sensory. When I ask him whether it feels uncomfortable or painful or weird for his hands, he says no.
Ask for help on things like the dishwasher
I am pretty sure I did that. He didn't want to participate. (It's been two weeks, so I do not remember all the details.)
He might not be able to identify if it feels weird, or what weird really means, even. He would just feel the feeling, and you would see evidence like him being distressed or crying, which you are seeing. All 3 of my kids have autism, and so does my grandson, whom I also care for. Autism is hereditary, and can come with reduced ability to identify feelings in your body, interception. He can't intellectualise his feelings yet. Just remember, although some things might look like tantrums, all emotions are valid, and deserve consideration. So don't worry about why hes sad, focus on being there for him though the emotion, don't focus on what it's about. Children don't have fully formed pre frontal cortex, which offer us an ability to control and filter our emotions, they just fall out of your head. You have to be his pre frontal cortex and offer calm, supportive patience. Those bits where you sit with him through his emotions. Exactly like that. Don't worry about the why, or getting him to move on, just be there through the feeling, take time with him. When Children have big feelings, they can feel very unsafe, and out of control, if you just stay, without getting impatient, in that moment, it can ground him. Essentially he will absorb your feelings. He will feel supported, and safe. You will find his emotions will start to calm sooner, and he will have less outbursts. People tend to invalidate children's emotions and be impatient with them, but they have no basis for comparison for what's a valid thing to be sad about or not, they just feel and it falls out. And they need you to be there. Just think what you would want if you felt like that, regardless of what it's about, just if you felt that sad, what would help you. Try a few things, see what works best. I would suggest you definitely need to look into testing, so you can support your son's specific needs. If you're still calling autism by aspergers, you might really benefit from grabbing a few newer books, or listening to some newer audiobooks, on the developments made in supporting autism. I feel like that would benefit you and help you connect with your son. You're doing great. Parenting is an ever learning job. And every kid needs a whole individual book for themselves. Just when you think you have everything down, something new crops up.
I am about the same age and my 4 year old is going through something similar, though admittedly less severe. I want to preface by saying he's my first child and I don't know what I'm doing and likely never will.
That said, I've made some progress over the last few months by forcing him to face smaller and less impactful disappointments. For example, he wanted ice cream at the grocery store, which is not something we typically buy but instead of saying no, I told him we could get ice cream, just not the one he wanted. I wanted vanilla and he wanted chocolate. As soon as he started to whine that "it's not what he wanted" I reminded him the other option was none. Ice cream won, he was stoked and there was no melt down this time.
I've been doing the same thing in other ways here and there. "Yes I'll play with you, but no I won't play that game, how about this one?" And I just stay firm on the boundary of how with the alternative being "no" and fully accepting that a meltdown might ensue. I've noticed little by little he just seems to be freaking out less and less.
With meltdowns, the only way out is through, I've been told.
On the hand washing thing, I am guessing it's a sensory problem. The water is too hot or too cold or too wet, something like that. I think you should cut him slack here, bodies are weird and this may be hard for him in a way that doesn't make sense to you. Using sanitizer or a water-free hand soap is an option to reduce hand washing frequency, might make it easier on everyone.
Good luck!
Presenting options and the illusion of choice has saved me since my kid was three. Getting out of the house in the morning was a huge struggle until I landed on, "what do you want to put on first, your shoes or your jacket?" I also don't know what I'm doing, but I think kids simply don't like to be told what to do, they want to do whatver they want. Presenting options gives them that agency while also getting them to do things they wouldn't do on their own.
On the topic, nowadays my kid is very easily convinced by reverse psychology. For the hand washing, I'd probably tell him not to wash his hands and make up something silly and say "if he washes his hands and then touches me with his clean & wet hands i'll melt because I'm made of sugar" Then when he washes his hands I'd let him chase me around a bit and pretend to melt or something. If they call my bluff I'm all out of options, but 60% of the time this works every time for me. YMMV.
Thanks for the suggestions.
On the hand washing thing, I am guessing it’s a sensory problem. The water is too hot or too cold or too wet, something like that. I think you should cut him slack here, bodies are weird and this may be hard for him in a way that doesn’t make sense to you. Using sanitizer or a water-free hand soap is an option to reduce hand washing frequency, might make it easier on everyone.
I have talked to him a couple of times about the hand-washing, and as far as I can tell it does not appear to be sensory. When I ask him whether it feels uncomfortable or painful or weird for his hands, he says no.
What does he say about how he is feeling?
What does daycare say about his behaviour?
What does he say about how he is feeling?
That is a very broad question. I do not understand what you have in mind or what you suggest I investigate. Could you please elaborate.
What does daycare say about his behaviour?
He just switched from one daycare to another (a few weeks ago; the behaviour I describe started long before the switch). The old daycare said he was pretty normal. The new one has not had enough experience with him yet.
I do not understand what you have in mind or what you suggest I investigate
Like when you ask him what's upsetting him, what does he say? Obviously he'll say something like "because I don't want to wash my hands" but if you ask him if there's anything else giving him big feelings, sometimes you can get more info.
If he was pretty typical at daycare and not typical at home, it could be because crying works at home but doesn't at daycare.
Asking what ideas they have to solve the problem can work too, like maybe you do a chore they can help with right now and empty the dishwasher by yourself later.
I just want to say, while there could be a good reason for this, this all sounds too familiar to me. I think around 4-6 years my kid was also just miserable most of the time. For us that was more bed time and waking up in the night.
I do agree with the other commenter it might be just dry skin. Have you tried mild soaps? In case you use liquid soap (easier for small kids anyway) try and find something cute, sometimes brands have pretty bottles and maybe he will like it more if the bottle looks like that.
Or buy a refillable bottle that you then decorate with him, if he is into that.
Otherwise you are doing everything righy as far as I can tell. Stay consistent and keep requesting him to wash hands. It will get better for sure.
I read the 5 other comments and mostly agree. Here's my addition:
Is mom your partner? Have you talked about how she deals with such situations? Maybe you're cancelling each other's effort out without knowing.
I asked him what are the worst things about washing hands, but he could not elaborate.
This is super tricky at that age; he might benefit if you give him words and concepts to express what's going on, but you definitely do not want to suggest anything particular to him.
I also don't see a common theme here; crying is very common in kids that age.
When he cries he often asks to watch TV. I try to avoid letting him watch TV to calm down, but once in a while I cave in and give him TV.
Could the promise of watching TV be a motivator for him? Some kids are super crazy about any sort of screen time. And I know that if a kid wants something really bad they might cry for 10 minutes to get it, even if they don't say it.