I am M41. I have a son who is 5, almost 6. The little guy is quite sensitive and cries relatively easily:
- He hates having to wash his hands. Mom and I wash our hands right away when we come home from outside, and often after touching dirty things or before meals. He hates it. He often cries when asked to wash his hands, sometimes for 10 minutes or more. Saying "we also do it" does not help. Washing his hands for him does not help. I asked him what are the worst things about washing hands, but he could not elaborate.
- One day recently, when I took him home from daycare (it was around 16 in the afternoon), he asked me to play with him. I said: "I need to empty the dishwasher first; then I will come play with you." He broke down and cried until I finished my housework and came to play with him.
- He wants Mom to put him to sleep every night. If my wife is out and he has to go to sleep with me, he sometimes cries himself to sleep. I have not found anything I can do that helps.
Whenever he cries or is otherwise in the grip of negative emotions, I try to be as supportive as I can without encouraging it. I talk softly to him, hug him if he wants it, stay close to him if he wants it, and go away if he wants that. I try to praise him when he DOES manage to calm himself down, and NOT reward him for throwing tantrums.
When he cries he often asks to watch TV. I try to avoid letting him watch TV to calm down, but once in a while I cave in and give him TV.
All these things have always been problems, but it seems to me that these behaviours have grown worse this last half year. Do you have any advice?
Thanks in advance!
The handwashing struggle reminds me of autism or adhd and sensory overload- doesn't mean he's on the spectrum, but you might do some research and keep your eyes open for for other signs. If hes on the spectrum diagnosis is easier as a child, and there may be resources for both you and him
I have ADHD and was a pretty sensitive child myself, and struggled with the sensory feeling of hand washing for long time
Agree. The child could be on the spectrum, and it is a spectrum so there might be few indicators besides what OP describes.
Thanks for the reply! I do have Asperger myself (though I do not have these particular problems, nor did I as a child).
I have talked to him a couple of times about the hand-washing, and as far as I can tell it does not appear to be sensory. When I ask him whether it feels uncomfortable or painful or weird for his hands, he says no.
Still, it might be worth getting him tested. Thanks.
Regardless of potential autism, it might be worth trying to add something of novelty or interest to him, such as involving him in choosing hand wash that has a scent or colour or bottle shape that he likes, or a foaming texture, perhaps. Just something interesting that makes it more appealing to him in some way — novelty is a powerful force for kids.
Agency too, if you can get him involved in the picking of a new hand wash — rather than framing it as "we're getting the hand wash you want so that you wash your hands" (which seems likely to draw out more resistance from him), it might be better to frame it as "we have decided we don't like this hand wash and want to get a different kind, but mommy and I can't agree on what is best. Can you help us to decide? In my experience as someone who isn't a parent, but has lots of experience with kids of this age, this works best if you can keep the kid from thinking too much about the task they dislike, so some rhetorical sleight of hand might be necessary.
I wonder whether having his own special hand towel in a design that he likes might help. This is probably much more likely to help if he is an active part of picking a new one out, because then it will feel like his. Maybe if he seems to like the idea of his own towel that's especially his, it might help to reinforce this further by having someone other than him go as if to use the towel, but then be "told off" by someone who gently, but firmly says that no, that's your son's towel, and only he is allowed to use it (and that if they want to use it, they have to ask him).
Tricks like these are silly, but so are kids — especially at that age. It could be that he's just becoming aware of his burgeoning agency, and also aware of all the ways that his parents are restricting that agency. What helps difficult kids through this state varies a lot, but the above suggestions are all to do with facilitating his sense of agency. Some kids act out less if they feel they are getting some conceptual space of their own, so to speak. I've seen kids who used to need to be dragged out of the park kicking and screaming when it was time to go turn into kids who will happily skip along holding your hand when their playtime runs out, simply by asking "we've got time to play one more game before we leave — would you rather [do X or y]?", or even something that amounts to "would you rather leave now, or have one last go on the slide?". Doesn't work for all kids, but it blows my mind at how effective it is, on average.
Along these lines, giving kids tasks to do can also work well for some kids. There's not too many ways that a kid that young could help with unloading the dishwasher, but the perks of them being that young is they're much less likely to notice if they are someone who likes to help, but you have given them busywork to do. To see whether your kid responds well to this kind of thing, try to ease into it subtly. Something that I found useful in this context was the advice to "not talk to the child like they're someone you have authority over when you're asking them to help in a task that's intended to empower their developing sense of agency — instead, think of it like you do genuinely want to spend time with them, and you're requesting their help as you would a friend".
Low level ways of helping might be asking if he could keep you company, because it'll help it to go faster. Some kids respond well to a parent or authority figure emphasising some emotional vulnerability as to why they'd appreciate the help (i.e. "I should have done this sooner, but I felt sad because I didn't want to do it. Could you come and keep me company and distract me as I do it by [telling me about the latest episode of Thomas the Tank Engine/teaching me that song you were singing earlier/etc.]")
A concrete task related way I can think of him potentially helping with the dishwasher is perhaps putting away the cutlery (after you've put away anything sharp, ofc). Even if he doesn't have the dexterity/height to be able to do much here, he could potentially do things like collecting together and passing you each kind of cutlery item, as you ask for them (if he clicks with this kind of thing, I mean. Some of the most misbehaving little terrors I have ever looked after became enthusiastic angels when I gave them some responsibility. Kids are weird like that). A less active task might be for him to hold the cutlery caddy near you as you put away the cutlery (it's been a long time since I hung out with young kids, so I don't remember how strong or dextrous 6 year olds tend to be, tbh). But just holding non breakable things for you. If you do this, it tends to work best if you ambush them with it in a casual way, rather than asking them to come in with you to do this Task. For some kids, the goal is to give them opportunities to help without it coming across like a Task(TM), because then they'll resist even harder. Try to ground the requests in how it would help you, e.g. holding an item for you means you don't have to bend down each time, and can finish sooner. Some kids like it when you make the task seem larger than it is by saying stuff like "it's pretty heavy — do you think you're strong enough to hold this for me? (When you know that it's absolutely something they're capable of holding without too much effort)".
I think this also links back to the agency thing. Young kids often have a difficult period where they're coming to realise that they're humans, just like we are, and I think they're pretty reasonable to be pissed off at being told "we know better than you do, do what we say". I'm just rambling at this point though. Sorry about that. The lack of brevity is partly due to insomnia but partly because I had a whole toolbox of strategies that I'd cycle through when figuring what each kid would respond to. I usually managed to find a way to relate to them though.
If there were Lemmy gold, this comment would deserve it. This is spot-on. I work with children OP's child's age, all of whom are on the autism spectrum, and everything said here are techniques I use on a daily basis. From encouraging their agency, to providing forced choices (like the advice at the park of choosing either X or Y), to encouraging them to "help" you instead of telling them the thing is something they have to do.
There's not much I can add here, just keep up with the praise when he does something you want him to do. Like with lifting something, sometimes I have a kid who doesn't want to do something like carry their own backpack. They might say, "It's heavy," but when they do carry it I go, "Wow, look at how strong you are!" Or after they carry it and they put it down where it belongs, I say, "Show me those big muscles!" and do the arm-flex thing so they'll imitate me.
Overall, it's a long process. Change won't happen overnight. It requires being aware of what you're saying and how you're phrasing it, which can be difficult to adjust to, but not impossible. Either way, continuing with the steps you're doing and following the advice in the comment above are a solid way to help your child follow through on such tasks.
Hmm. Yeah not getting any feedback from him as to what the struggle is feels like it'd be really frustrating as a parent, trying to figure out what to do to support him
Neurodivergence does tend to get passed down so its definitely worth keeping back of mind. But yeah I can see how that'd make sensory issues feel like a less likely explanation
Sending love, I hope you're able to find a path that takes things in a direction that works well for the both of you, this seems like kind of a challenging situation to navigate as his dad
Thanks.
Adding to this - it is definitely worth getting tested for as early as possible if you have any suspicion, because you and your child will have many more resources available to you going forward, especially with school.
Our experience was that the elementary school kept pushing it off "until next year" because he was getting good grades - even though completing the work was a struggle.