chat

There's a thing in the mainstream culture about how it's natural to "hate your ex". I feel real bad for people who subscribe to that. If that's the default position, you are saying your judgement sucks, you misused your time, you got suckered in. And even worse, you will again next time.

If you are getting with someone who only has bad things to say about their exes, be warned: they will only have bad things to say about you. I stay away from people like that. Even just socially it's a bit of a red flag if they only tool a person has to end a relationship is to burn the bridges completely.

Most of my exes were amazing people and I know why I invested the time and intimacy with them. Even though eventually we fell apart, found things not to like about one another, got bored, fought, had bad dynamics, hurt and were hurt, changed, stayed too much the same, had different goals... whatever. It wasn't a waste and they contributed to me as I am now.

Sometimes I think "If I met ______ today, just as they were back then, would I be interested?" Mostly, I would not. Some of them had stuff going on that I now find kind of repulsive. But at the time I didn't, maybe I even liked it. I'll probably never date a slam poet ever again. But I can't bring myself to despise the slam poet, or myself for having enjoyed them.

OTOH there are cases where a person is just so damaging, either because they are outright abusive or by some kind of interpersonal chemistry just push your buttons in a crazy-making way (or you press their buttons). So you might need to put up walls for that. Don't get too nostalgic. Particularly if said person is still floating around in your social life or community.

With a couple of exceptions covered by the last paragraph, any of my old lovers is welcome at my kitchen table. A while ago, an ex of mine with whom I hadn't communicated in years popped up in my messages. Out romantic/sexual relationship had been extremely brief owing to completely opposite and non-complementary goals/needs. But they are still one of my favorite people ever. I was touched that they would reach out in a time of change to ask for some assistance. Just like they had helped me previously, well after we had ceased dating. I'm sure I speak for both of us when I say we would never want to live together, fuck, or even spend much time on a regular basis, but my heart feels warm when I think of them and I am glad we had what we had. It was a real pleasure to catch up and even get to contribute something to their life again. And in the future maybe we dip into each others' lives every so often, or maybe not.

I fail to see how this could possibly be unhealthy.