this post was submitted on 16 Nov 2025
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Gonna split up my post in two, so it's easier for me to express this.
I feel for you, it's a slog. My condolences for the losses. I don't know how you all do it, and I don't know how to best express my support - if listening helps, then I do that, if just being there helps, then that. Either way, hugs. Pregnancy is hard and there's no shame in hating it too - society absolutely should paint a more nuanced picture of it. I think media glorifies it way more than it is, because otherwise a lot of people wouldn't get children and that hurts the rich peoples' wallets...
Personal feelings
~~I have to admit it's hard to read this as a transfem gal, who can't experience it even though I do want this more than anything, even with everything described. I wish we could just enable/disable that ability for ourselves, like a switch. It would be nicer if people could "swap" and then you wouldn't suffer all this.~~In hindsight I realised that the above might've sounded invalidating, my apologies. Put it in spoilers instead. I think I got triggered as a kneejerk reaction. If I might ask, would it be better to put up a CW next time?
I don't know what a cw is but I don't think i need it.
What you're expressing is definitely where the guilt comes in! I want a child so i very willingly signed up for this, so it feels bad to say i hate something I chose. I agree on the switch! I wish my husband and I could trade off on this.
What you're talking about it feel like is a big part of everyone's pregnancy journey now a days. There are so many women who can't get pregnant (or sustain a pregnancy) so it complicates my feelings around pregnancy. I remember feeling so bittersweet at baby showers during the years of my losses. You're so sad for yourself and your lost future and you're so happy for your friend who is growing a healthy baby. Or the guilt of telling my gay friend that I was pregnant knowing he had expressed to me how sad he was that he and his future spouse wouldn't be able to share a child biologically. Or your cousin who is struggling with infertility. So many women feel just as you do, that they would endure any amount of pain to get to have a baby.
Exactly what you expressed, that pain in other people (and in my past self when i couldn't finish a pregnancy) is where the guilt is from. I should just be grateful I'm able to make a baby, but geez, I wish I could make a baby without feeling queasy and weak and stupid all the time.
Obviously, I agree with you that the suffering of it is worth a baby to me
A cw is a content warning. I put it up there because I felt that my feelings might appear opposite to yours - one wanting that experience, another feeling terrible with having the experience.
But yeah, it feels unfair sometimes. Like you're right - I'm happy for you, but it also feels biting in a sense, like the experience you had with the losses.
One having a loss in pregnancy, another never having the chance to experience pregnancy. Neither are great, and I feel that instead of comparing what might be worse, it's better to be there for each and comfort one another, and look forward.
I can't undergo your pregnancy for you, even though I would gladly do that for my partner.
But I can give away some knowledge. Ironically because I lack a uterus, I read a ton on about pregnancy. There is a trans woman who took the specific hormones and specific levels to fully simulate pregnancy, to see out of curiosity what to do. Interestingly, even though she didn't have a uterus either, she experienced all the symptoms that you also do (sans the growth of the belly and birth) - it's all hormones. To think that they can have such a large impact... I hope that it will be less for you.
Ginger may have a chance of helping with the nausea, though it varies and is limited in its effect. Good luck, sis!
(out of curiosity, does it really feel like you've ran a whole marathon physically? what's the tiredness most comparable to?)
I've never run a marathon, but i have read that metabolically pregnancy is similar.
It's like i sleep 10 hours and wake up exhausted. It's like usually we put the toddler to bed and I get a couple hours to myself and now I am excited to go to sleep at 8:30 with the toddler.
I went to the doctor a few weeks ago and I did my hair and makeup, I wore a great outfit with a blouse and jacket and heeled boots. I went to the doctor this week in the top I had slept in and I didn't wear any makeup, and I didn't even feel bad about it. I knew this was the best I had to give.
My house is a disaster because I'm too tired to keep up with the chores, and if I don't have something microwavable, I just skip eating because I'm too tired to cook.
I cut 10 inches off my hair this week because I'm too tired to keep dealing with it.
For the first time in my child's life, this weeki left the house with no wipes in the diaper bag. No bib either even though we were headed out to eat.
I usually have chronic insomnia (life long) and now I sleep 9-11 hours a night, plus I nap when my toddler naps, and I still fall asleep when reading her books sometimes.
I don't think it's like this for all pregnant people? It wasn't this bad in my other pregnancies, but i am exhausted.
I see, thanks so much for the explanation (in both comments)!
Yeah, that matches with what a marathon was like for me. It's bloody exhausting.
I don't know either if it's like that for all pregnant people, though the first trimester is generally the worst (hormonally that is).
Oh and thank you for the ginger tip but it's a big no go for me. I used it during my last pregnancy and now when I even think about the taste I feel sick even when I'm not pregnant. That's another thing they don't tell you. You can permanently ruin tastes and smells or experiences if you do them while you're nauseous with a baby. There are some scents and even games I can't go near because I was around them while so sick the last time.