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submitted 1 month ago by Emperor@feddit.uk to c/andfinally@feddit.uk

Westminster Magistrates Court heard that 30-year-old Paolo Bollag stripped off in central London's Kensington Gardens last April and indulged in a series of lewd acts.

Bollag, from west London, denied a charge of outraging public decency, and opted for a crown court trial. He was bailed on the condition that he does not enter the park again before it begins.

Magistrates heard Bollag had been pleasuring himself before 'thrusting' into an unspecified tree in the park, which it situated next to Kensington Palace.

The court further heard that the investment manager, whose LinkedIn profile says works at Oakley Capital, rammed soil into his underwear and rubbed his crotch.

Archive (original link - warning, it's The Daily Fail)

top 19 comments
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[-] daqu@feddit.org 33 points 1 month ago

He wants to fuck the world, so he became a banker.

[-] JargonWagon@lemmy.world 5 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

I pray my dick gets big as the Eiffel Tower
so I can fuck the world for 72 hours

[-] Thcdenton@lemmy.world 25 points 1 month ago
[-] noodlejetski@lemm.ee 23 points 1 month ago
[-] Emperor@feddit.uk 25 points 1 month ago

With undercrackers full of soil and a head full of Ent porn. He who is without sin, throw the first branch.

[-] unreachable@lemmy.world 14 points 1 month ago

30 is the new 15

[-] NegativeLookBehind@lemmy.world 17 points 1 month ago

Can’t blame a guy for knowing how to party

[-] veroxii@aussie.zone 17 points 1 month ago

Cocaine is one helluva drug.

[-] steal_your_face@lemmy.ml 1 points 1 month ago

More like PCP

[-] fox2263@lemmy.world 13 points 1 month ago

Well that was certainly a sentence

[-] JargonWagon@lemmy.world 3 points 1 month ago

There's more in the article, too!

[-] DarkThoughts@fedia.io 13 points 1 month ago
[-] Emperor@feddit.uk 9 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)
[-] idiomaddict@feddit.de 5 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

Nominative determinism gone wild (Holz means wood)

[-] mysticpickle@lemmy.ca 12 points 1 month ago

How else are you supposed to have sex while you're being hunted by The Predator?

[-] Emperor@feddit.uk 8 points 1 month ago

I hadn't considered this angle - are you his defence solicitor as that might just get him off. Although him getting off was the problem in the first place.

[-] southsamurai@sh.itjust.works 10 points 1 month ago

Come on, trees... are just sexy. Who hasn't made sweet love to a stately oak, or shady elm, or wept with joy while wooing a willow? And don't get me started about cedar with her lovely perfume that makes you want to seed her.

But pines are straight out! Good luck getting the resin out of your pubes!

[-] Metype@lemmy.world 2 points 1 month ago

Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?

[-] Iheartcheese@lemmy.world 2 points 1 month ago

Oh it's you bb

this post was submitted on 07 Jul 2024
67 points (98.6% liked)

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