Sometimes, you have to say “no.“
In fact, you should say no a lot more often. As Warren Buffett says, “The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.”
The late Steve Jobs agreed. “People think focus means saying yes to the thing you’ve got to focus on,” Jobs said, which “means saying no to the hundred other good ideas.”
But saying no can come at a cost. Say no to a friend’s request and their feelings could be hurt. Say no to an employee and their sense of engagement could be damaged. Say no to a long-term customer, and they may consider looking elsewhere.
However justified, saying no can often negatively impact a relationship.
Unless you say no the right way. Never Reference Time
But first, the wrong way to say no. According to a study published in Journal of Consumer Psychology in 2021, saying, in effect, “I don’t have time” when you decline an invitation or request can cause the person you turn down to feel undervalued and upset, negatively effecting the relationship.
Time excuses are seen as less valid. Less justified. In simple terms, you have the time; you just don’t want to give it to me.
Say you invite me to a seminar. (I get those kinds of requests at least once a week.) If I respond saying, “I’m sorry, but I won’t be able to attend,” clearly that means I’m choosing to do something else. Granted, that’s always the case: Not doing one thing automatically means doing something else.
But without additional context? The researchers found people consider time to be subject to personal control. Which, of course, it is. I have the time. I just don’t want to give it to you. I am clearly choosing something else over your seminar.
Which, again however justified, is a problem. Say a friend invites you to an event. A colleague invites you to lunch. A customer, or supplier, or someone you know, whether professionally or personally, makes a request, or asks for a favor.
The researchers found that no matter how valid the reason, turning down invitations or requests because of a lack of time reflects on how you see the relationship. That is, if you don’t have the time – if you’re not willing to make the time – you must not value the relationship. But Referencing Money Is OK
Oddly enough, the researchers found that using money as an excuse to decline a request won’t spark the same reaction.
If you ask me to go to a concert and I say I don’t have the money, you’re unlikely to be upset. Maybe that’s because money is seen as less controllable as time. Maybe that’s also because my response puts me in a vulnerable position. No one likes to admit their funds are limited, even though at some point, everyone’s funds are limited.
Why “oddly enough”? Because time is also a finite resource. Time is more finite than money. With effort intelligently applied, I can make more money. But I can’t make more time.
Money excuses can also be implied. If you decline a request because you have to work, the financial reason is implied. If you decline to work on a side hustle, the financial reason is implied.
While you can, in effect, decline because you can’t afford it… you can also say no because you’re trying to make money.
The key is to provide greater context. Always Say Why
“Yes” is a complete sentence. “No” is not.
When you decline a request, provide a little more information. Definitely don’t say you don’t have the time. And don’t just say you’re really busy.
Add context. Add detail. Explain why. Maybe you’re trying to meet a tight deadline. Maybe you’re trying to finish massive project. Maybe you’re working longer hours because you’re short-staffed. Maybe you’ve already blocked that time for another purpose.
Ask me to attend your seminar, and I could borrow a line from Wharton organizational psychologist Adam Grant: “Thanks for inviting me, but I’m in the middle of writing a new book and my plate is beyond full.” Granted, that’s a time excuse – but it’s also a valid time excuse. Your Personal Policy
Another approach is to explain that saying no comes from a personal policy. Take me, for example. I don’t post blurbs about new books on LinkedIn. I no longer write forewords or introductions for other people’s books. I don’t speak for free. When people ask, I say no, and explain that I’m not rejecting them – I’m maintaining a boundary I’ve set for myself.
Does that approach ensure no one gets upset? Nope. The people who do get upset are always people I don’t know, and who aren’t interested in building a mutually beneficial relationship. But it does help someone I do know understand why I might need to turn down their invitation or request.
As with nearly everything relationship related, understanding why makes all the difference.
Even if that relationship is with yourself. How to Say No to Yourself
In a study published in Journal of Consumer Research in 2012, researchers created two groups. One group was given a simple temptation and told to say, in the face of that temptation, “I can’t (do that).” The other group was told to say, “I don’t (do that).”
Here’s what happened:
Participants told to say “I can’t” gave in to the temptation 61 percent of the time.
Participants told to say “I don’t” gave in 36 percent of the time.
Then the researchers divided people into three groups and asked participants to set a long-term health and wellness goal. When their motivation inevitably flagged, one group was told to say, “I can’t miss my workout.” Another group was told to say, “I don’t miss workouts.” The control group wasn’t given a temptation-avoidance strategy.
Ten days later, here were the results:
One of the 10 “I can’t” group members stuck to their goal.
Three of the 10 control group members stuck to their goal.
Eight of the 10 “I don’t” group members stuck to their goal.
Saying “I don’t” was extremely effective. But saying “I can’t” was less effective than saying nothing at all.
Why? According to the researchers:
“The refusal frame ‘I don’t’ is more persuasive than the refusal frame ‘I can’t’ because the former connotes conviction to a higher degree.
“Perceived conviction mediates the influence of refusal frame on persuasiveness.”
Getting Personal
In other words, “I can’t” opens up room for negotiation. I want that ice cream (my personal long-term Achilles heel), but I can’t have it. Then again, maybe I could. I could skip breakfast tomorrow. (Even though I won’t.) I could go for an extra bike ride to burn off the calories. (Even though I won’t.) Given enough time, I can turn “I can’t” into “Yeah, I can.”
That’s much less likely to happen when you say “I don’t.” “I don’t” is powerful. Definite. There’s no choice involved. No negotiation to be had.
“I don’t miss workouts” is much more powerful than “I can’t skip my workout today.” “I don’t offer discounts” is much more powerful than “I can’t give you a discount.” “I don’t relax my standards” is much more powerful than “I can’t cut corners on this task.”
“I can’t” leaves room for argument and compromise. “I don’t” does not.
“I don’t” also works when you decline requests from others. I don’t eat dinner after 7 p.m. because I’ll feel bloated and won’t be able to sleep well. I don’t do high-impact workouts because my knees can’t take the pounding. I don’t mentor aspiring real estate investors because they inevitably want more time than I am able to give.
Plenty of people hear “I can’t” and automatically think, “All right, but under what circumstances can you do what I’m asking?” They immediately try to turn no into maybe, and maybe into yes. Before you know it – because you’re a nice person – you end up saying yes.
So just say, “I don’t,” both to yourself and, when appropriate, to others.
men, if I don't want to. If you don't respect me enough as a person to understand that I say "no" for a good reason, and not capriciously, then I have no business doing the emotional labor of justifying my struggles to someone who with most likelihood won't be able to understand them.