disabled

I actually hate being alive, being trapped in a physical body that's falling apart and literally rotten, painful, infested with infection, doesn't work, requires drugs to stay just barely alive, requires endless maintenance not to mention food, all of which takes time, effort and money. And for what? It's not like these issues are going to be solved, all that can be done is just try to keep on top of them as much as possible. You could probably be prosecuted for animal cruelty if you kept a pet alive in this condition, but a human must be forced to drag it out for as long as possible, for literally no reason whatsoever.

From the ages of about 18/19 to about 21/22 I went through a stage of sometimes having what I can only describe as intrusive visions, although they weren't unpleasant at all. I'd be doing something and suddenly I'd get an actual (maybe mental, I can't describe it exactly) vision of myself (from two perspectives at the same time, first person and third person) as a blonde Australian girl doing exactly the same thing in an alternate life. One time aged about 18 I was walking through a forest, I started jogging and suddenly my entire vision was taken over by this image of me as a blonde Australian girl running through a forest. It was accompanied by intense feelings that this was me in an alternate life. This other me was a total opposite version of myself, blonde where I'm dark, Australian where I'm British, and most of all she had the most positive, uplifted mood imaginable. (Even before my life became as bad as it is now I had depression and physical health issues and money and living situation problems so my mood wasn't brilliant). This Australian version of me was absolutely filled with hope and joy and love of life.

I had this experience several more times over the next few years. Aged around 20/21, I was with two friends, one was playing guitar and listening to it through headphones. He took the headphones off and gave them to another friend. As soon as this person put the headphones on I had another intense vision of us both as Australians, in a small private plane, about to take off. He was the pilot and was putting his pilot headphones on. Again I felt that sense of joy and love of life, we were clearly having great lives in this alternate reality.

It happened several other times, and after a few years it just stopped happening. I don't know whether it was a mental illness, a coping mechanism or what, I mean my life wasn't as bad then as it is now but it doesn't happen any more. It really felt like there was this parallel life out there somewhere, where I was the opposite of myself, living the opposite life where everything was brilliant. Sometimes I've wondered, if that version of me is actually real somewhere then maybe to balance the scales and pay for that great life I also have to live this life where everything is terrible and miserable and hopeless. Or maybe it's some cosmic learning experience, experiencing the best and the worst of life. Maybe it was just a coping mechanism to feel good for a few moments but then why don't I get it any more? I wish I could swap places and be that Australian.

It should always be around 15 c around me at all times. Its too hot.

I try so hard to be understood and it just doesn't work out :cri: like I know NTs get misunderstood too, idk. Its very frustrating running over and over what I'm going to say, what I'm hoping they'll say, and they just immediately misunderstand and I walk away with them not getting it at all. At least this latest thing was not terribly important but its frustrating regardless.

The pharmacist heard my accent and switched to English. I have never been this owned.

Idk. I'm having a hard time with people infodumping in that I straight up tune out and start wondering "this has no relevance to me, why on earth are they still talking"

Like I can't pretend to care about something I straight up don't give a shit about. I can't listen to a recommendation and an indepth review of a show that I haven't seen and will never see.

If I were asked, I'd talk about it politely. Like, idk.

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I'm back. How is everyone?

This month is proving even more difficult than usual. Two recent foot surgeries, now infected, the endless struggle to get even a bit of medical treatment, the non stop tingling and pins and needles, starting to go bald, the car breaking down and needing repairs, the neurologist stopping the only migraine meds that work for me because "they aren't working well enough," and the endless struggle to get assistance. Several people came through after all my reposts, eventually we managed to get enough to fix and fill the car but that used up almost all the money on that, and it's so difficult to get replies to mutual aid posts now, thanks to the most recent reply, I can get by with food for maybe a week now but after that I'll have to keep reposting and if no-one responds I'll be screwed. Apparently someone was accused of being a scam artist on mutual aid and now people are less likely to donate for fear they are being scammed?

All avenues of help are closing. My local council cut the Household Support Fund (a small amount given out to the poor twice a year) right down, it started off as £150 twice a year, then they cut it down to £100 once a year, and then they decided they were only giving it to old age pensioners. So that support is gone. I was due to receive a £300 grant from the cancer charity macmillan in November, but they decided not to give grants any more, so that lifeline is gone. There is nothing else I am eligible for, the food bank takes up to two weeks to access and gives a tiny amount of food, mostly drinks like tea, coffee and milk, which all runs out long before the next food bank appointment, how am I meant to get by on that? Mutual aid is the final lifeline, and I am immensely grateful for all the help I've received here but it's getting more difficult to get responses there too, and with prices going up drastically (by about two fifths these past few months) money just doesn't go as far. Is it just a bad time of the month, far from payday, or will I have to keep reposting every week or few days from now on? I even made my mutual aid post as helpful as possible, multiple food voucher links with various different payment methods, amazon gift card link (can get dried/tinned food off there) and even paypal (as my need for food aid right now is bigger than my worries about the DWP checking my accounts). Don't know what I can do to make it easier. That's why I'm up so late tonight, i thought if I waited long enough and kept checking my emails I might get a gift card and could go to sleep in peace but it's 1.30am now and I'll have to go to bed worrying.

On top of this, the fact that I've been almost housebound for so long is really wrecking my mood even more. I need to get out and walk around in the fresh air but due to all my foot surgeries, foot infections, and the repeated injuries in my left side thanks to the weakness caused by my stroke, I can't wear closed shoes or walk for more than a few minutes right now. Like hobble into a shop, pick up a few items and out. I want to hike. I live right by the southwest coast path, a 630 mile hiking route that goes around the entire south west coast of England. I've got a free bus pass from the council (as I'm partially sighted) and a ferry pass from before all my walking problems started, that still has about 8 free journeys left on it. If I wasn't almost crippled I could use these things to go out on day hikes and then get the bus home, get the ferry to other towns and hike all around, which is what I used to do before all these problems began. It's not much to ask, wanting to walk around outside but the universe won't even grant me that. I feel like whatever controls this world is taunting me, placing me right by a brilliant hiking area and then crippling me so i can't use it.

And everything costs money, constantly. It's hard enough getting the necessities of life, never mind anything for pleasure. I'm a huge Outlander fan and the new Outlander spin-off series is starting on amazon next month. Will I be able to watch it? No of course not because you have to pay for that! Why does life have to suck so damn much all the bloody time? Maybe I was evil in a past life and this is my karma.

Tiny human on public transport: :D

Tiny human having a meltdown on public transport: D:

I'm going through it, but I'm trying my best.

I can't always be me, I hope people understand.

My therapist says I have to take a mental health day on Friday. The nerve of that woman...

But yeah I'm on the verge of mental collapse so it's probably for the better. Thinking about just marathoning Mad Max or something.

People are already starting to study up for next semester. It starts in the beginning of september/very end of August. I am one of the late starters of the nerds because I am just starting myself.