kinda hitting me today how much i've been systemically failed and neglected my whole life and it's really coming to a head right now
agh, im so burnt out
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kinda hitting me today how much i've been systemically failed and neglected my whole life and it's really coming to a head right now
agh, im so burnt out
Yep. I came to the same conclusion a while ago. My entire life is down the toilet because my caregivers as a child and medical staff just didn't care.
Sick of getting called lazy when I’m in a 24/7 battle w depression, adhd, and chronic fatigue lol. While actively cleaning my bedding. Just vacuumed, mopped, cleaned the kitchen, and did the dishes last night, but apparently this person still thinks I’m “lazy”.
Housework has been considered "not work" for a long time from a cultural perspective. Nevermind that it was always work, but it is still regarded as non-work by many, even if only subconsciously. On the other hand, people are projecting all the time, so whoever called you lazy might just feel lazy and decided to take it out on you. However, you are very definitely not lazy, you were very busy and successful today, and I for one am proud of you for what you managed to accomplish despite depression, adhd, and chronic fatigue 
Thanks :’)❤️
God I feel this. I can't stop beating myself up about it either, so it turns into a never ending cycle that I'm trapped in.
got denied disability aid 
gotta appeal but im gonna reach out to the people who have been helping me first so i dont fuck it up. just really anxious. white knuckling through life has made it harder for me to be considered disabled
They can be super weird and arbitrary about that stuff. I have a mildly autstic friend who got disability benefits on the first try and there was a news story a while back about a person so severely disabled they couldn't go to the toilet by himself who was asked to demonstrate that they couldn't wipe their ass in front of the social worker.
damn, that shit must have been so dehumanizing :/
Yea I imagine it's just a matter of time for me. The outreach person said it's probably on the grounds of not having enough diagnosis, because I'm stuck in waiting hell for a bunch of things, ough. Maybe next time.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
One of my other instructors emailed me about my mental illness wanting to work out accommodations for next semester. Which is super duper nice of them, but it also means that my mental illness is now public knowledge.
This is the opposite of what I wanted. The professor told other people too, or the people in class told people who then told the instructors who now know. Aaaaaaaaaaaaa. I'm gonna log off for a couple days and dig myself down a hole.
That feels like a major invasion of privacy, and no amount of good intentions makes that okay. I'm so sorry that happened the way it did, you deserve better than that. It should be your choice to make those decisions about sharing and asking for accommodations rather than basically having it done for you without your consent.
I’m finding myself more turned off by the Trueanon sub. It seems like it’s needlessly ableist and body-shaming all the time to show that they aren’t like other “sensitive” leftists.
Was just scrolling through a thread on ICE agents and without fail there were r-slurs, making fun of people for their height/weight, attractiveness. It all just seems like it’s trying too hard.
I keep being surprised by how relatively good hexbear is on this, seeing as we are also a community derived from fans of white twitter ‘leftists’ who became famous by being extremely edgy and cynical and regularly making fun of disabled people, racial minorities and queer people.
Brace is better on his own podcast but whenever he guests other podcasts he can be very edgy still. So it doesn’t surprise me that the TrueAnon community is like that.
The post on ableist language and its effects is now finally online (thank you for your patience, it took me way too long to post!). If you want to check it out, here's the link
Hai everyone, I'm new here!
I must say, I really hate having a mental illness. It's not like how it's portrayed on the movies. It's horrible but boring much of the time if that makes any sense.
Being disabled doesn't tend towards the dramatic. Even the "flashier" mental illnesses is mostly just feeling bad and not fitting in.
Was looking at a city subreddit that had a post about distributing whistles for ICE and one highly upvoted comment was: “this guy got 12 Covid booster shots and 3 flu shots”
I’ll never get over how Americans politicized that and used getting booster shots as a sign of weakness
Sorry for not being around as much
I have a confession: I was able to get a part-time contracted customer service role thing for work over the holidays. It ends in two weeks. It's been just over two months and even though it's been about 5 hours each day, it's left me completely dysregulated, exhausted, and burnt out. I've been dissociating a lot. I won't get too much into it, but it has been weighing on me not being able to be present here and elsewhere online.
Mostly I just want to remind everyone that you are loved, you matter, and you are beautiful. 
Just watched a show that had a disabled character talk about how his wheelchair was a symbol of freedom for him, because it allowed him mobility. Where others saw a prison he saw an escape.
Pretty cool to see that the writers actually listened to a disabled person at some point.
Absolutely covered in bruises lately for no obvious reason. They don't even really hurt, they're just there
Are you eating well? Diabetic? Taking aspirin or any nsaid?
Not really, not that I know of, and no
I'm not eating terribly though. Kinda decent by my standards
I'm being referred for further foot surgeries. I need to buy items the NHS doesn't provide like bandages and shower boots, so my disabled comrades please bump and share my mutual aid post. I won't be able to have the surgeries if I can't get the items.
They recommended another three shockwave sessions on my achilles too but I think getting the money for that is a bit unrealistic at the moment.
Food bank handed out home std tests and baby food. I thought the baby food was a smoothie because the reduced price sticker covered the whole thing up. It was ok.
I've got food poisoning on top of everything else. 🤮 Diarhoea and I feel so sick, but the vomit won't come. I wish I could just barf it all out and get it over with. I got it from eating a packet of cod from sainsburys. Tried to leave the product a negative review online and of course they removed it.
And i thought my physio appointment was yesterday but apparently it's actually 12th Feb. So I have to wait another month for help with my worsening mobility and increasing pain. Not that the physios help anyway. Physiotherapy is a mickey mouse subject, just nonsense and pretence.
I should read a book
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I Loooove being tired (/s). I slept 8 hours and I feel absolutely destroyed. I did nothing yesterday that should make me feel like this.
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Very cat like behavior 
Maybe if I wasn't constantly tired and (therefore) slightly grumpy all the time I would look less like a cat.
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Maybe. I think the whiskers are still a dead giveaway though.
I wonder if cats sleep in sunbeams to avoid seasonal depression. You know, get the vitamin D you don't get as much of in winter.
Why the fuck do people insist on screeching my name from the other side of the house when they need something instead of just walking 20 fucking seconds to get to me. Then they get mad when I don’t scream back because I’m not doing that shit lmfao.
I am so scared. The tingling and pins and needles in my legs and feet is getting worse and more constant, I can't move two of my toes now and no doctor will help me. They said it might be because I have a folate deficiency and gave me folic acid tablets but the tablets upset my bladder severely so I stopped taking them. I explained the situation to the doctor but she just told me to keep taking them, no help at all to determine if the folate deficiency is even the cause of this or find alternatives to the tablets. So i started taking them again and my bladder has flared up again so I have to stop again. I don't know what to do. Also I received two vitamin D injections lately and now I have some symptoms of a vitamin D OD so I have to get that checked too. But no doctor cares, none of them are taking this seriously or will do anything to help.
My mood has plummeted. I can always gauge my mood by what music I'm listening to and now I am back to the Manic Street Preachers, which is the worst possible sign, they are always what I go back to when everything is hopeless and terrifying.
I know this is like 5000000000th in terms of importance, but the whole Greenland US issue is really putting a damper on my plan of going there for my clinical training. One of the department heads had promised to reserve a spot for me and all. Do you know how bad I am at networking? I finally manage to impress someone enough to benefit from a little bit of nepotism and Trump ruins it.
I rarely post on any account because I'm paranoid but I've been working real hard on my mental health, overcoming some childhood abuse and trauma, and for the first time in my life making real progress. Really struggling though...(cw current events, heavy emotions)
in the face of how fast things are escalating in the US right now. I'm still 6-12 months away from where I need to be to begin to handle the current moment and watching the events of the last month have been a big setback. Everyone is talking about how to confront and fight ICE, and a few hours processing donations at the local food shelf is just about the limit of my capabilities.
I know where I stand, I know my kind will be coming up soon on the target list and there's naught I can do but wait for my turn and hope it's quick. Truly and finally coming to terms with that sucks.
Nonetheless, let it be known to someone, somewhere, that I fought against the ghosts of trauma and abuse in my head, and in the end I clawed back some of the love and life they stole. And the victories tasted sweet.
I started watching some 80s werewolf movie and was surprised to see that the protagonist is a teen boy in a literal motor wheelchair, engine and all lol
We'll see how the filmmakers handle his character but so far so good. Here's the trailer, Silver Bullet
I'll be back to more regular posting soon-ish, now that my flu is finally going away. Just wanted to let you all know I'm happy to see how you all support each other. I love you all 
Why is starting a conversation the hardest thing ever
There's someone at work I'm out to and have been wanting to talk to but I never can figure out what or how to message her. I've been thinking of messaging nearly every day for a month and I still am not happy with my ideas. I guess I don't even really know what I'm hoping to talk about. But then why do I have such a desire to talk with her. I mean it's because she's supportive I guess. Idk. Why is this so hard. Idk how to do this. No wonder I'm chronicly alone
Notice something about her and comment on it to get a conversation started?
Had our first band practice. It went ok. We got a rough idea of a song that leans a bit doom and crust punk, maybe even a bit black metal. It's interesting.
Everyone in the band knows I'm autistic bc leave it to me to blurt it out within the first 15 minutes of any sort of gathering of people lol.
I sent the lyrics I'm working on for this song to the group chat and got the seal of approval. The lyrics are a very biting summary of American Imperialism so getting the approval of the drummer and the bassist is very promising. I don't know their political views quite yet. Our guitarist is a closet leftist so I think I'm in good company.
I also mentioned I'd like to tackle a sort of punk x hardcore sound with a bit of metal here and there and they seem to be on the same page. I was talking to the bassist a bit about direction and he said the same thing that a drummer from another band said, that we have too much metal in our area. I think that's a sign to stay more in the punk genre.
Yesterday I also finished a rough version of a song I've been trying to work on. I only really had the chorus written but got inspired. Sent it to a friend who is in a punk band and he said "Fucking love it!!!" with three exclamation marks. So I'm gonna present this song to the band soon. I have an idea on how I want it to sound too.
That's all. Not much bad going on personally with me. I'm taking the politcial news in strides right now and trying to channel my adsurdism to not get too detached from reality while keeping up with the now overt fascism of the United States.
Anyway, love you all and stay healthy!