this post was submitted on 26 Jan 2026
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White House Claims Alex Pretti Death Was Permissible Over Suspected Customs Evasion [OC] (ttrpg.network)
submitted 3 days ago by bradorsomething@ttrpg.network to c/theonion@midwest.social
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(Minneapolis, MN) As Americans respond to the state-sanctioned murder of Alex Pretti, DHS now claims that the department of Immigration and Customs Enforcement had authority to have multiple agents tackle, hold down, and shoot an American citizen on belief he owed $4.72 cents in customs for an overseas package. “While Alex Pretti was clearly an American citizen and an ICU nurse for the Veterans Administration, the Federal Government reserves the right to allow armed groups of men in body armor to attack any American they believe owes us money for customs,” the statement read.

“As we cannot find record of the package, ICE apologizes for the error,” the statement ended.

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[–] xxce2AAb@feddit.dk 4 points 3 days ago

Oh, come on. What will be the next excuse? "You can't trust a man with such a meticulously groomed beard"?

[–] idiomaddict@lemmy.world 2 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (1 children)

I ate the onion hard

[–] bradorsomething@ttrpg.network 1 points 3 days ago

I’m ashamed my satire is more plausible than anything they’ve said.