this post was submitted on 18 Feb 2026
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The women you're going to attract with that method are also likely to be jerks.
People don't explain what they mean by "You're too nice". They mean "be more assertive". That means stand up for yourself and others. Not "be an asshole". The attention you would get from being an asshole isn't what you think it is.
I had a work evaluation one year and my only negative was basically "Too nice" and I am oretty sure that lines up to what you are saying about assertiveness.
Not necessarily. My wife got the same remark as pharmacy tech because she actually talked to the customer and helped them with stuff like manufacturer coupons instead of shoving them through as fast as possible. She only did it when there was no line
This isn't a guess of what they meant, they straight up told her it was because she helped too much. It's also the reason she got out of addiction counseling.
I actually think that isn't even the case most of the time. I think usually "you are too nice" actually just means "I like you and the way you act, I am just not attracted to you".
The problem with just being honest about the lack of attraction, is that many people will take it to mean something is wrong with them, or even that attraction still might be possible if they just try harder. It's hard to accept that some people just won't be attracted to you, even if you do everything right. It isn't a "game" you can always win.
Some men can get super aggressive over even the mildest rejection, especially the Nice Guys^tm^, so it's not surprising that women would develop a way to reject them with it sounding like a complement.
There's also the "your niceness feels transactional and directed". Like, yeah you're overly nice to people you're attracted to, but not really to anyone else. You aren't being a broad spectrum emitter of kindness. Being that person who's cool to everyone is often very attractive, but you gotta get the chip off your shoulder and accept that not everyone is going to be attracted to you, and just generally learn the social skills to have everyone feel happy you're there.
Yeah, like if you're going 45 on the highway, go faster. But not 120.
Unless you're in Germany Ü
I would definitely not recommend doing 45 on a German highway, or any other European highway for that matter, unless you're in a traffic jam. 😋
Have to wonder what 'acting like a jerk' even means in this context.
i've also been told this. i would much rather be nice and single than in a relationship hinging on me not being nice.
also fake and gay
You have to hook them. Act slightly jerk like until you have their interest then slowly go back to being nice and the think they changed you.
(then they cheat of you cause the person who is attracted to bad boys do be like thet)
Ironically, I think the ability to be content single is a fairly attractive trait.
oh i said nothing about being content...
Typing into the void, yay!
If the story here is told in earnest, I can think of two possible solutions.
First, perhaps the "being a jerk" thing might be conflated with some other change, such as simply being more assertive or socially confident in general. See if you can be confident and assertive without the "jerk". Think aggressively supportive or unflinchingly complimentary ("Hey, you're looking really nice, and I hope you have a nice day!" Or "I noticed you've been working on X really hard, and the progress is showing!").
Second, use your newfound social connections to your advantage! Talk with the girls about how you've been feeling, and then ask them if they would be able to introduce you to one of their friends that might enjoy the version of you that feels like you.
Both of these paths will take courage! It's tough to be vulnerable when you're already accustomed to social disappointment. But if you can get this far, go a little further and you just might find some real and profound happiness for yourself.
Live life for yourself, not others. This will attract like people