MHLoppy

Waluigi, noted foil of Mario and Luigi, has been arrested after being caught masturbating in public at Cheep Cheep Beach.

“I was doing my morning patrols at Cheep Cheep Beach as usual,” says Police Officer Toad, “when I heard this nasally ‘WAA’. It was disturbingly erotic. I went to investigate and that’s when I found Mr. Waluigi with his overalls off, in sexual congress with himself. He most likely chose that location and time of day, because Cheep Cheeps were extremely active, leaping out of the water and enticing people. That’s usually the reason we catch people here.”

After he called it in, Waluigi was detained by a Lakitu with a fishing pole. Many residents observed the lanky man in the air, waving his arms frantically and screaming “WAA!” [...]

Israel has put out a plea to the rest of the world saying that anyone who even considers building nuclear weapons should be dealt with.

This comes after a massive war potentially started that stemmed from bombings in Iran following Israel’s yearly tradition of accusing Iran of being ‘close’ to reaching the point where they could eventually have a nuke, and maybe one day even have as many nukes as Israel has.

“The international community must act to stop nuclear proliferation by any means necessary, ” said Prime Minister Netanyahu, “no one should be allowed to have them as they destabilise the region.” [...]

Fans of the simulator genre have a new game to look forward to and it’s set to be the most realistic one yet. Game Dev Simulator is set to be the most true-to-life simulator game ever made as it consists solely of browsing Indeed.

“We wanted to give gamers the most accurate recreation possible of what it’s like to be a game developer,” said Lead Designer Travis Strickland moments before he was laid off. “We know that gamers are interested in the specifics of how the games they love are made and what it’s like to work in this industry. Using our collective decades of experience, we were able to really fine tune and perfect this simulator to offer an experience that’s as close to the real thing as possible. Players will be able to spend hours browsing Indeed, filling out applications and never hearing back.” Strickland was escorted out of the building by security before he could continue. [...]

In a welcome bag filled with favors such as local chocolates, artisanal soaps, and scented candles, guests arriving for the wedding of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sánchez this week were reportedly given monogrammed plastic bottles in which to urinate during the ceremony. “Because guests will be strictly prohibited from leaving the room at any time during the festivities, the couple have provided these custom-made bottles as a token of their appreciation.” wedding planner Lucia Contarini said as she showed off a makeshift urine receptacle emblazoned with the initials “J” and “L,” noting that it would be the only option available to attendees who did not wish to wet themselves when they inevitably needed to empty their long-held bladders. [...]

When I'm feeling down I like to tune in to my favorite parasocial relationship to be told:

everyone's going to die and to die lonely and alone

it really picks me up

US President Donald Trump has issued a stark warning to the management of Melbourne’s Northland Shopping Centre, declaring the suburban retail hub “a hostile regime” and a “hotbed of terror” that may require military intervention.

Speaking from the White House in the wake of a coordinated US airstrike on Iranian nuclear installations over the weekend, the President confirmed his administration is now “actively considering options” for a similar operation in the northern suburbs of Melbourne. [...]

See also: The Shovel: DFAT upgrades travel warning for Northland Shopping Centre to ‘Do not travel’

A small indoor cactus found clinging to life was reportedly facing conditions worse than the actual desert, experts say.

“Cacti is consistently ranked as one of the easiest indoor plants to keep alive,” says botanist Dr. Joseph Graham. “Their low-maintenance and resilient nature make them a perfect choice for beginners, kids, and dumb dumbs. But it’s clear that this particular cactus would have been better off in the harsh, barren, 40 degree desert where it would have at least received a few pathetic drops of water a year than in this suburban home with access to full resources.”

The doomed plant – afflicted with root rot, yellowed spines, and ennui – was left for dead in an unventilated, windowless bathroom. It sat in a decorative pot without drainage, its frayed little plant tag still standing with care instructions begging to be read. The plant’s air quality conditions were determined to be highly toxic due to its location – that being directly atop the toilet tank and below a Febreze plug in. [...]

Stressing that the facade informs nearly every aspect of his daily life, Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO) told reporters Thursday that his Christian faith is an important part of who he pretends to be. “Whether I’m delivering a speech calling for theocracy in front of dozens of cameras or talking to my children at the kitchen table about God’s separate roles for men and women, I mean it when I say the mask I wear in public is the same one I wear at home,” said the 45-year-old lawmaker, who confirmed that Christianity has been the foundation of his public-facing identity ever since he was a shameless young prep school student with his sights set on Yale Law School. [...]

While not talked about as much as the Intel CPU security mitigations, Intel graphics security mitigations have added up over time that if disabling Intel graphics security mitigations for their GPU compute stack for OpenCL and Level Zero can yield a 20% performance boost. Ubuntu maker Canonical in cooperation with Intel is preparing to disable these security mitigations in the Ubuntu packages in order to recoup this lost performance. [...]

Music mogul Sean “Diddy” Combs is currently facing charges of racketeering, kidnapping, and coercing women into sexual activities in federal court. Here is everything you need to know about the trial. [...]

U.S. President Donald Trump is demanding that he be immediately awarded a Nobel Peace Prize as a reward for single-handedly sparking a potential Third World War with the nation of Iran.

Moments after confirming via his Truth Social website that U.S. forces bombed Iranian nuclear sites in Fordow, Natanz, and Esfahan, the U.S. Commander in Chief began truth-ing directly at the Nobel Prize Committee.

“They said nobody could start a war as quickly as me, and as we all know, war and peace are two sides of the same coin,” Trump wrote from a guest bathroom at his Mar-A-Lago resort. [...]

Saying the pampered 6-year-old seemed to think someone should provide her with a midday meal on a regular basis, sources told reporters Thursday that local entitled child Harper Wiley expected to eat lunch each day of her young life. “Can you imagine? Not just on the odd occasion, but every single day!” said a source with knowledge of the situation, contending that if Wiley was given a lunch that consisted of the bare minimum nutrition necessary to sustain herself, the next thing she would be asking for was clean, lead-free drinking water to wash it down with. [...]