I don't exactly know how to describe in well defined terms what I've been feeling, but I want to get something out of myself, and I'm curious if others can relate or not. I've been seeking community for a long time in my life, it's one of the biggest holes in my self-essence. Connection with persons, or people is like, the thing I want most in life. I mourn its absence more than anything else. But, when I try to pursue a community, and get closer to a group of people, I experience the opposite. I only feel more isolated, further disconnected, more alone. Earlier this year, I started doing work with a local revolutionary party, in part because I believe it's necessary and vital work, but also in large part because I feel like, if I'm going to find community, it's going to be with people who share common values and principals with me. I've been trying so hard to be a good member, but the more months that pass, the more alien I feel. I also feel a tremendous fear of letting these people down, or being unable to meet a task. Usually during meetings I feel invisible, or when I'm not completely invisible, I feel like they must see me as incompetent or useless, just taking up space. I don't at all mean to suggest that this is the group's fault, though - I've felt this way in any community I've tried to become part of. There is something in me that I don't know how to fix that renders me unable to be a viable group member. Does anybody else experience this?
Anarchists, this is your fault