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this post was submitted on 13 Sep 2024
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No Stupid Questions
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I remember my college had a suicide awareness day where among other things they told people to tell their suicidal friends to call the hotline if they felt suicidal.
Now imagine you are that person and you reach out to a friend for help only to have them tell you to call someone else in a canned speech you were told to tell others.
Feeling suicidal usually isn't something that talking to a friend can resolve.
Getting a suicidal person to access the right kind of help is the right move.
That doesn't mean you refuse to talk to a suicidal person, it means that part of supporting them as a friend is helping them get help.
Also as someone who spent a lot of time when I was younger as an untrained suicide counselor, it’s rough on you. Suicidal people should reach out to friends, but understand that if your friends aren’t able to help or keep boundaries there it’s not you, it’s not you being a burden, they may love you very much, but they need to engage in self preservation and the experts have better coping mechanisms, are in therapy, and have professional distance. Being an untrained suicide counselor was both a form of self harm and working through my trauma. I did real good for others and I don’t really regret it, but if you’re feeling the urge to do it, either get trained or get therapy, ideally both. I did later get trained in a form of counseling relevant to my traumas and I’m still comfortable doing that, but suicide counseling is rough at the best of times like being an emotional emt. And like emts they want to get to you in time to help, so if you need them use them, but the untrained are more like first aid, they can keep you around until an emt can get you to a doctor.
Serious question: How do you tell someone suicidal that opens up to you, that you can't handle the topic without making them feel worse?
“I care deeply for you and that’s why I’ll acknowledge I can’t give the help you need. You need an expert not just a friend, and I can’t hurt myself helping you”
Two sides to every story. Your friend isn't your therapist and while instantly reacting with "go call hotline" means you don't have a friend at all, you cannot expect your friend to be able to bear the weight of your feelings, of your darkest moments with you. Stuff like this ruins people and I know that from experience from both sides. Dealing with suicidal thoughts of other people is extremely stressful and basically a landmine field. You aren't trained to navigate it properly. You are not objective. And ultimately, other than being a sympathetic ear, you are unable to help them in the way they need help.
Tone matters, like the difference between telling someone they should consider seeing a therapist, and telling someone they need a therapist.
In text it is still hard, but convincing someone to talk to a professional (not saying they are all doctors or something) because you don't feel equipped to handle the situation on your own shouldn't be devastating if you go through a small course like that. Never taken one but just off the cuff I'd say offering to call with them and staying for the conversation until you/they agree they feel comfortable carrying on with the help line or what not on their own before walking away would probably be a decent step in the right direction. The line could advise you of the next steps you might not be thinking of in that moment, getting them around other friends/family/bringing them to a medical professional, I'm sure it varies.