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2 years on HRT now babyyyyyy
Here's some random music
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reflection on comparison
Oops it wasn’t hotness or “passability” I was envious of, it was the self confidence to be out in public. And I know I’m working on the same thing (I was there wasn’t I!?), so even if I was a bit butch, it’s all part of the process and not worth being ashamed of. Just need to shake off the fear of being perceived/embrace it as a fact of transI am tired of the half closeted state I’m still in, need to rip the bandaid off
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Its hard, so hard sometimes. Comparison is the thief of joy, but it can also show us things that we would like to work towards. It seems like you've identified that, and from there come goals, and from goals come actions that have purpose.
I'm glad you went to the event thingy, and even if it was difficult, it seems like it was a good-for-you difficult. One of my favorite phrases is 'ah fuck, a personal growth opportunity' because personal growth is wonderful and so worth it but goddamn does it hurt sometimes.
spoiler fear of being perceived Also that fear of being perceived is so real. It sucks. The worst is when I hurt from perceiving myself. Dysphoria sucks.
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Thank you for this; it helps me make sense of all this much easier. You’re absolutely right, it was a personal growth opportunity and I’m glad to be taking advantage rather than internalizing “auuuuogh everyone’s better at transition than me.” It was difficult and confusing, but I have a much clearer path. I’m even using my actual name now which is a good step in the right direction::: spoiler spoiler
Yaaayyyy!!!!! Thats such a big step!! It took me a while to use my name (and over a year to.come up with it). Congrats and also proudsss of ya! Its hard and you deserve to be referred to in ways that are comfy for you
I still fall into this sometimes... Its hard. Ive been at medical transition for over 3 years. And its gotten better. But still sometimes shows up. I guess I'm trying to.say that its an understandable thought process, even if its an unhelpful one.
Big hugs, and prouds of ya
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Thank you! For the reality check too, a little self awareness now doesn’t mean that the thought process is gone, just that I can recognize it when it shows up.It’s truly wild how much better I feel being referred to by my new name. I coped about my old one being neutral/ a kind of chosen name but it was really just a life raft so I didn’t have to use my real deadname. going out confirmed I need a clean break and it’s really cute and exciting and I’m so happy about it lol
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Yayyy I'm glad your new name feels so good! Having a cute name is so wonderful, and the excitement just makes it cuter
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You got your identity down so you're getting there and making big steps! You can do it and go all the way. You got it.
Thank you friend, I appreciate it greatly. Sometimes I look at a specific tree for too long and miss the forest around it
Trees are hypnotic things. It happens to all of us
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Oh wow ok that makes a lot of sense. You've cleared my head up.
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Yeah I was confused because I assumed it was the first time explanation, but there were girls there who gave way less of a shit about passing than me, and that made me feel worse, superficial and selfish, for feeling the discomfort in the first place. This otoh makes a lot more sense internally and has stuff I can work on, so much more fulfilling than I initially feltIt's a shame that it's so hard to recognize transition for the beautiful process that it is when we're going through it, but this is one of the reasons I love hearing these experiences and seeing the process from the outside. I remember going through exactly this. The first transfem social event I went to in person was so intimidating. I felt jealous and inadequate, and so much pressure to make a good first impression. It was such an important experience though, and when I reflected on it when I got home, I realized how wonderful it was and how much I was looking forward to the next one.
This metamorphosis isn't just a physical one, it's psychological probably even more so.
Psychological metamorphosis… I like that. I gotta get some more experiences under my belt but the first time was always going to be the most difficult