Ask Lemmy

Shot answer: I am ok with it, but usually I am not ok with the people who are willing to say them. And to make sure it’s ok, the key is consent.

Long answer: as a brown boy myself, I find that I am not offended by the slur itself. Like, the only power a word can have is the power I give it. I generally think of the band “The Slants” that is/was comprised of Asian men who made that the name to take the power of the word away. Now you don’t really hear the word.

I think my rule of thumb is really what the dark humor is. Like, how is it said? Like, I am NOT black, but I feel comfortable making jokes about black people having smoke alarms without batteries in them. I feel comfortable making that joke with my black friend and without him. I feel ok with it because who is the joke hurting?

I’m also not a woman, but I DON’Y feel ok with making jokes about how they can’t drive, that they should be in the kitchen, etc.

The major difference here is that in this example women are being put down or being called “less.”

I see it the same way with slurs. Trigger, I’m going to use slurs here, but I’ve already used one, so maybe you should have seen the trigger at the beginning. But I feel using them is important for this conversation.

I have almost exclusively gay friends. I am not gay. We send memes back and forth calling each other “Fag” or “Faggot.” And it feels ok. What I personally do is get consent. And understand their consent can change. And I have to be ok with that.

Now, if I’m talking to someone and they call me a “gook” or they call a black person a “nigger,” I am not ok with that. I find that they usually hide behind the label of “dark comedy” and claim they’re “just joking,” but they’re not. They’re just being bigoted. And obviously that’s not ok. And that’s what I mean that while I am ok with slurs in jokes, I think people who are willingly using them in “jokes” are not joking or are doing it in bad faith to put people down.

Which is frustrating. I think being able to use them in jokes is helpful. Joking is how we open the door to real conversation. But I think people hide behind that and lie about their intentions to hurt people. And that’s why most of us aren’t ok with it and why consent is such a huge thing. So go out, call your gay friends “faggot,” but make sure you’re doing it while lifting them up, not putting them down.