this post was submitted on 16 Mar 2026
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You know I heard a quote one time that said if you're the smartest person in the room you're in the wrong room. But at the same time my parents always told me whatever I did I needed to be the best at it. Like they put me in tutoring because my math skills were only one year ahead. My family is all engineers, computer scientists etc. Everybody's a bachelor's or above except my one sister who's specifically disabled.
When I decided on nursing school I was like OK I'm just going to aim for something achievable for me. The content should be right at my level, at least I'll be able to excel at that like they're expecting. And the coursework itself was super easy. I had all the chem physics and bio I needed for the conceptual groundwork. I had all the Greek and Latin roots I needed for the terminology. Even the math was actually right on my level (basic algebra, ratio and proportion, PEMDAS equations), I just needed to up my accuracy when I had previously optimized for speed. And even now my computer skills alone are basically unmatched among clinical professionals. I had to call IT for something they needed to remote into the workstation for and they were shocked that I just gave them the IP address.
But my instructors and preceptors absolutely humbled me in people skills and emotional resiliency. I actually flunked out the first time for being too emotionally immature. They made me cry on the regular and I just couldn't get a grip on what they wanted from me interaction wise. It was actually my first shitty job at a psych hospital + going through therapy simultaneously that fixed me. It's wild to say but I feel like the literally criminally insane men I was working with taught me better people skills than my parents did. I learned so much about respect and what it really meant to uphold a promise through adversity and how to keep my stupid mouth shut.
So. I thought I was aiming low, and I still wound up being the dumbest person in the room. Did get the degree though; it's been 6 years now.
That actually sounds pretty reasonable to me (not to excuse your parents, if applicable). It’s not the same thing at all, but I learned much better people skills from living with a boyfriend who had abandoned his treatment for and didn’t tell me about his paranoid schizophrenia than from anyone else. He read so much into everything I said, that I learned to speak very deliberately.
When you are working with people with a very different perspective on the world that you can’t change, and neither party feels entitled to acceptance because of family, you need to learn how to treat others respectfully and with dignity to succeed.
I have found this helps but also that a lot of people hear what they want to hear no matter how clear and deliberate you are, and recognizing who those people are is another skill.
Yeah I feel like it's one of those things that sounds completely insane unless you've been through something similar. A lot of it was learning how to respond to crazy but I did actually learn a few positive behaviors directly from them. You'd be surprised how much please / thank you and sir / ma'am they use. I also learned to stand a lot taller, swagger a little, and speak from my chest. Like people will comment on how much confidence I display which is wild to me being actually in my own head. There are also a few really poignant lessons I learned from some very specific patients but those are much longer stories of their own.
I also always said I wanted to be someone worth listening to and I will say I never seem to have a problem with that now. When I took my instructor classes to start teaching violence deescalation and physical management classes they told me it was going to be hard to get people to stay engaged and pay attention but I rarely have trouble with that. Organization and staying on topic are hard but my ratings on how much is learned and enjoyability are consistently high.
I also work in healthcare. The science was challenging, but achievable with effort. The hand skills took practice and repetition. But the people skills are truly never mastered.
I’ve been in my field for 17 years and it’s still a daily fire walk trying to avoid setting expectations too high, setting expectations too low, or somehow inadvertently inviting litigation with the wrong choice of words. The same verbiage doesn’t work on everyone, and you have about 20 seconds to decide which variation of unreasonable you have to sidestep on every person.
I feel like I am fortunate to have employment and not worry as much as many people about affording groceries and the mortgage. And yet, I really hope my children don’t choose patient care for their career.
☝️
Yeah 10 total years and a dozen Daisy noms in and I still feel like my foot is constantly in my mouth. You also have to walk this horrible tightrope of remembering this is the worst day of someone's life then emotionally file it under your 400th Tuesday. The cognitive dissonance of that alone is enough to drive you bonkers.
It doesn't help that in psych a lot of the time there's no solution for keeping the person safe that's not going to horribly traumatize them. I've had to do things to people to keep them alive and as unharmed as possible that are still probably gonna feature in their nightmares. I try not to but sometimes they're already so traumatized that they just won't be able to see what I'm doing as beneficial. We've got people with past sexual assault traumas who are so out of it they don't realize that urine has been sitting on their skin for days and the acid is dissolving their genitals. They can't put the steps in order to clean themselves but they also can't safely accept me touching them to help. The other day I did something as simple as trying to help someone dial the phone and when we finally got through they got it into their head that I'd replaced their loved one on the other end with an imposter.
Some days you just Will Not Win but the fact that human bodies and social interactions have so many uncontrolled variables (and infinitely more when combined) will leave you wondering every time you think about it that maybe there was some right answer you just couldn't find. Maybe I should have waited longer. Maybe I took too long. Maybe I should've played music. Maybe the environment was too loud. Maybe I should've been kinder. Maybe I wasn't straightforward enough. The list just keeps going.
Daisy noms?
System for writing thank you notes to a nurse. They give you a little enamel pin to put on your badge that I'm not comfortable possibly accidentally losing on an acute psych unit so they're just scattered around my house. Then about every quarter each hospital gives an award to one of the nominees (although usually an employee with better optics than one of the night shift psychiatry goblins). So like, objectively, at least a few of my patients feel cared for. It's just hard to feel that way sometimes. I'm more protective of the actual written messages than the pins. I have one from a patient I received from the outgoing shift in restraints that I keep in the frame with my license (and it's not like I let them out right away either, most of what they were happy with was me catching their dystonia but I had the advantage of having had it myself before).
i have had a nurse i have wanted to thank for decades (i had major surgery, my mother wanted to stay overnight in my room and this kind nurse let my mother get cleaned up at her place. we were going to get a gym membership but she would not hear of it. she almost got in a fistfight with a radiologist for me. all i ever knew was her first name, she was the best). i had no idea there was a formal system. how widespread is this? (is it just psych?)
Not at all, it originated in medical iirc
Thanks for the info; I’d never heard of that.
I hope that someday if I need the care, that you are the one doing it. Thank you for being exceptional.
As an engineer from a family of engineers, yeah i wholeheartedly believe that you learned better people skills from the criminally insane than engineers. I had a real tough time learning people skills and emotional resilience