Immune System: Hey wanna see who can survive the hottest temperatures?

Bacteria: No, absolutely not.

Immune System: Too late!

Assuming there is a future for us, big assumption, oh to be a fly on the wall when people are taught that in our era, already aware that we were destroying the planet with heavy industry, we decided to amp up the destruction by generating energy intensive to produce encrypted digital bullshit tokens with fake value as yet another thing to trade with one another just for the hell of it.

If you get infected, you'll wish you had never been born

So before it emails your grandmother all of your porn

Turn off your computer and make sure it powers down

Drop it in a forty-three foot hole in the ground

Bury it completely, rocks and boulders should be fine

Then burn all the clothes you may have worn any time you were online!

That's not too far off from the truth. Viruses hijack your cells' machinery to reproduce. Some are choosy about which cells/tissues they target, but some are not.

Fever, histamine, a whole slew of different immune mechanisms all cooperate to tackle these invaders. In turn, our immune system also provides a lot of strong evolutionary pressure on these bugs, which spurs high mutation rates like we've seen with COVID. What I find fascinating is that, over time, a lot of viruses have evolved to take advantage of our habits and behaviors including leaning into our immune response(s). The common cold (rhinovirus) is a good example here as it causes just enough sneezing in social settings to propagate, but is not aggressive enough to kill the host or keep you bedridden. Norovirus is another one, opting to incubate for a bit, then overwhelm the host with a big mess, and finally leaving you feeling a-okay to socialize while still being contagious (in the grossest way possible).

And the icing on the cake? Some cells survive to incorporate viral DNA into that cell's genetic code, while still being perfectly healthy. Human DNA is littered with many such encodings, suggesting we all carry the genetic memory of some ancient pandemics.

Edit: the Anime "Cells at Work" is a very fun romp into this world. Highly recommended.

When you have one of those sweaty poops that makes you cramp, that's a bitcoin being released.

They will actually wear out your hardware by increasing cell turnover. Eventually re-copying the code to new cells becomes less accurate and it starts introducing bugs like cells that don't work as well or make too many of themselves and that don't kill themselves if they wind up growing in the wrong place or making hormones they're not supposed to or in the wrong amounts. There are some specific things that make the dna itself just copy wrong to begin with like nicotine or UV exposure, and those are the highest risk, but ultimately anything that puts wear and tear on your body in some way is a little bit of a risk.

Kinda the same no, your body is using a lot of energy and wasting some as heat to fight, similarly to your GPU trying to run whatever the new hard to process game is now.