Ask Lemmy

Since chatting someone up is out of the question for me

Why? Are you unable to speak? Are you unwilling to try? Because it sounds like you're hopeless about the idea of meeting someone and you don't feel like your own efforts could possibly help.

I don’t see why the man must start this dance.

The truth is that nobody, regardless of gender, wants to put themselves in a position where they could be rejected. And women usually don't need to. While you're leaning against the wall waiting for that woman to start talking with you another guy will approach her and ask her out. We all want to feel like someone is interested in us. It's flattering. It makes us feel good. And your question makes it clear you're unwilling to put the effort into showing you are interested. You want someone else to show they are interested in you. That way you don't have to risk anything. But low risk means low reward.

This may sound harsh, but I do understand where you're coming from. I went through this myself. One thing that helped me was learning to let go of any expectations when approaching and talking with someone. Try to understand you aren't there to pick her up, seduce her, or whatever. You are just there to talk. Everyone is interesting in some way. Practice asking people about themselves. You'll be awkward at first. You'll mess up and be embarrassed. But keep trying. If you can let go of your own desires and just be curious it will take you far. And talk with everyone you meet. Men, women, old, young, don't discriminate. It'll help you realize it's just a conversation.

Also, put one of those sticky name tags on your shirt. "Hi my name is Tudsamfa". It makes people more comfortable knowing your name.

Wear a t-shirt that says I'm single you can talk to me.

I'm kidding. Sort of.

You could try smiling at people, making eye contact. If they quickly turn away, let them go, if they look back at you, you could say "hi". It's not exactly letting them come to you, but it's also not at all aggressive or harassing, it's just saying "hi".

If you've already noticed something interesting about them, you could mention it. For instance, "those are cool earrings!" or "I love your t-shirt!", or "What a cute dog! What's their name?" If you're insightful and actually noticed something they think is interesting about themselves, they might be inclined to strike up a conversation about it.

Wear a button that says "I'm approachable!"

Do something poorly/dangerous in the gym, attach yourself (politely) to the person who comes to help,

Or do something you're passionate about and offer your knowledge to people who are earnestly trying their best but not doing it well (be conscience and ask if they'd like your experience to guide them)

Alternatively go hang out at an old folks home, they'd love your company, they'll regail you with stories from their glory days, and they'll probably talk you up to their family.

Volunteer your time at animal shelters/public service events.

You seem to be confusing what you want with gender roles. Nobody said that men must make the first move. Many satisfying relationships start because women make the first move. But by consequence of the fact that you want a relationship, it naturally then follows that you'd have to make the first move.

IMO using props is a poor move. Might get your foot in the door, but it'll be obvious that your interest/commitment to the prop is not genuine. People can tell if you're acting, so I would ignore any comment that tells you to imagine and act out a scenario - doubly so if you're using a prop.

The trick is to realize that a cold call almost never works. There is a very low chance that any one person you run into on the street is looking for a relationship, and an even lower chance that they'd be willing to bet on a stranger for that relationship. So you're facing 2 filters that are lowering your chances that any one person you meet would want to get into a relationship with you.

You can't affect the first filter, but you can at least change the second filter - just don't be a stranger. It's easier said than done, but it's possible with concerted effort. To put it bluntly: be amicable and be social. Put yourself in situations where you meet people, and befriend them. And you are by far more likely to run into a potential partner from the people you already know than in a public park. I don't even mean to pretend to be friends - I mean actually be friends. Socializing has a compounding effect where the more you socialize, the more people you get introduced to. That's also important because of the fact that you can't affect the first filter. Clearing the first filter is really a numbers game, to simply know a lot of people.

You'll need to learn to maintain a social circle. Based on what I can tell, you seem to either be an introvert or have social anxiety. And honestly, I understand. I can't say that the process will be easy or that it's fair that extroverts have a leg up in the process, but the unfortunate reality is that society is built upon the assumption that people are social, and you have to play by those rules. The upshot is that more people are willing to be in a relationship than you'd think, and you don't really have to expand your social circle that much or maintain it that well before you come across someone who agrees to be in a relationship with you.

I’ve been approached by a woman exactly one time. We’ve now been married for 21 years.

As other people have mentioned conversation starters, interesting social props, and such, I have to circle back to your original post. You spoke down of printing it on your shirt. I say, don't print "single and ready to mingle" on it. But something like, "Ask me anything", you'd be surprised. I was an information resource for a big event and they had a half dozen people in shirts that just said Ask me with a big question mark on it. After the week was over I would sometimes wear the shirt and would have lots of people stop me because of it.

I doubt anything would work for me (even for just friendships) with where and how I exist.

Then again I've never had much luck with connection (my brain isn't built for that).

Get a dog, or a child; they’re chick-magnets. Even if not your own. Maybe you could take a nephew/niece/whatever to the playground once a week? Walk the neighbour’s dog for a few blocks? As someone else said, once there’s a prop, they’re not approaching you directly, they’re interacting with a common interest, and that’s a good way to meet people.

If you're a dude and you wanna be approached by regular women and not gold-diggers, you kinda have to be cute. If you're not too handsome you will have to go outside and wait a lot, I guess, even more so if you don't give off "approachable vibes". Or you could do what most men have done since time immemorial: learn a bit about people and what makes them smile and go do that regardless of your fears.

And what is this nonsense about being progressive and "gender roles". Women are scared kittens and the mere possibility of rejection, public or not, wrecks most of their psyches. And men are hornier (else the prostitution market would look very different, lol), so they know they'll be approached eventually, at least in their younger years. You're not battling ideology, you're battling economy! You will have to make a move, unless you're handsome enough that a woman makes a cost-benefit analysis and finds the risk of EMOTIONAL DAMAGE worth the prize. You might be! If so, well, go outside. If not, you're gonna have to be brave and do the unthinkable: talk to women and risk ridicule. Most women are nice, sweet and non-confrontational, at least IME, and if you know the least about women you can tell the bad apples apart easily, so give it a go.

What you need, my friend, is a slump buster. Casual sex with a woman you otherwise wouldn’t be interested in. I don’t know if it’s a sixth (or 7th or 8th) sense that women have, but they can tell if you’ve gotten any recently. If you have, it makes you more desirable. Alternatively, a good wank before going out in public, but that’s not nearly as effective. I ended many droughts with a slump buster back in my single days.