Programmer Humor

It would be depressing. I ended up working somewhere we would regularly get called in to clean up messes and enterprise software is a disaster.

Huge application. Dominating it's industry. It had only one user on a DBs with a password that hadn't been changed in over a decade. Same user/pass for each DB as well. The DBs were all publicly accessible. The applications, clients, engineers, and everyone else used that singular user. Better yet, one DB even had a table for the locations of every server, what it did, and what credentials you needed to log into it. This app held insurance information, PHI, PII, payment information, etc. The "Founder" thought he was clever because he'd turned of all logging on the DB and was under the impression if he couldn't detect a breach he didn't have to report it. The DB engines were so unbelievably old "community" versions of DBs. The password was something along the lines of 1998!

They had a load balancer that took traffic in on 443 and sent it to the server on 80, but since the servers only used 80 and no one explained networking to them, every internal request would be sent to the open internet on 80, hit another source, and then would make it's way back to the load balancer and into the app. They were excited to show it to me and everything. Networking and Developers are like water and oil.

Yes that did get reported to governing bodies. They slapped he company on the wrist. No fine. I fixed it so it's nearly bulletproof now. When I turned on logging I do want to note there were TONS of connections to Iran South America, China, India, Russia, etc.

But that's A LOT of apps. We kept doing M&As and 3/4 apps that are being sold were the exact same. Hell, I've seen apps handling CUI store their data unencrypted on open servers. Reported as well, but nothing ever happens. We were told by one person that the laws and fines only exist to hit companies after there's a breach AND a lawsuit from users. Before then there's no victim and no crime.

Tldr; auditing software is a lot like what I imagine smoking crack is like.

I would watch this. Maybe something like "SRE Squad" with like a fire department type aesthetic and eagles and flags and butt rock theme song.

Someone would have to look at and understand the existing code and infrastructure rather than just throwing it all away and writing a data migration. In other words, it would never happen.

Me and friends borked our school network by making it a doge coin miner in high school, the IT guy was not pleased.

Silicon Valley

And it will always end with a more modern and streamlined infrastructure that they never update again and then two years later there is an article that shows how they all went bankrupt.

This was my entire 25-year career. No way in hell would I want to watch a show like that.

Although if there were a show based on my career, I'm sure the highest ratings would be the show where my coworker fires a 125 mph knuckle ball a foot above a 10-year-old kid's head. It was the only time in my career when I had to physically intervene to prevent a fistfight between my boss and the client.

These images are RAW! YOU, DONKEY! Here, take your blob, and gtfo. GO! OUT!!!!!

It's called incident response

You fucking Donkey!

I would watch the absolute fuck out of this to the point that my family would be so fucking sick of it.

It surprises me that there aren't more shows like that, just some random dude bursting through your job calling you all twats and pointing out where you failed, then helping you fix it.

I want carwash nightmares or retail nightmares shows.

Still have a copy of Ubu 8.04 on CD somewhere. Not sure if it still works though.

Good times.

I would watch this. Especially if it was an angry Brit, rather than a dramatic American. And even more if it didn't keep replaying the same 5 minutes of telly before and after each ad break. And even more if it didn't have an ad break every 10 minutes that lasted 5 minutes.

I would watch this.

Yes, but consider that the abbreviations alone would make the show unwatchable. "Hold on, babe, what's a SaaS?"

“And the big surprise, is that the fucking image uploads are being stored in fucking RAW!”

I wouldn't deploy this for my fucking dog, roll it back now!

Look at this ci deployment! THE TESTS ARE TURNED OFF. YOU'RE RAWDOGGING PRODUCTION.

Oh my days. Your AWS isn't destroying old deployments, no wonder you're indebt, you have seven times more compute than NASA FOR FUCKS SAKE.

Just talked to a woman from a company in the same holding as mine. They still run their computers on windows xp. They're in health care and deal with sensitive, confidential patient data.

Senior developer: "not my coin miner!! ... i mean, how'd that get there?"