Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit being a shark.
this post was submitted on 26 Mar 2026
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A shark‽ What is it?
It's a predatory cartilaginous fish but that's not important right now.
Surely you don't mean that.
I did mean that, and don't call me Shirley.
Dude who can morph into any other species at will.
Sensational Writing 101:
The crystal clear waters of the Bahamas are filled with enough traces of human pharmaceuticals and illegal drugs that it’s showing up in shark blood.
"filled with enough traces"
What do you motherfuckers think "traces" means?
They mean evenly dispersed
Sharknado -> cocaine bear -> cocaine shark -> cocaine Sharknado?
Bearnado?
Cocaine bearsharknado.
Are they shooting the new Jackass movie there?
Sounds like they already did.
Sharks in the Bahamas Are Full of Cocaine, Caffeine, and Painkillers
Sounds like the beginning of a pretty good night out.
Sharks with contaminated blood showed shifts in metabolic markers tied to stress and energy use. The researchers aren’t sure what the long-term effects of exposure might be, but similar studies in other species have shown that exposure to stimulants like caffeine can alter behavior
Can we get one of those spider-takes-drug-X studies, but sharks?
The researchers aren’t sure what the long-term effects of exposure might be
I have a vague idea...
Legalize soft- and harddrugs and stop profiting of pharmaceutical drugs and all of this will go away.
It's a stressful life being a shark.
When is the last time you heard someone say something nice about a shark?
Lucky sharks
Hey man, nobody is ever lucky who is in a situation where they have drugs pushed into them without consent.
And everyone alive is "full of" radioactive waste from nuclear bomb tests in the 60's. And by "full of" I mean, technically detectable by extremely precise scientific equipment but in such small quantities that it has zero effect on the organism and is measured by the number of molecules present rather than even something small like micrograms.
Fuck yeah
And microplastics and human excrement and crude oil and everything else humans dump into oceans.
Obviously, the natural headline here is that there are sharks on drugs in the Bahamas. While that was technically happening, that’s a much more sensationalistic take. The reality is that we humans are blissfully unaware of the fact that the drugs we put in us eventually leave us and end up saturating whatever they flow into, like microplastics.
"Saturating" also has a specific meaning that isn't "contains traces of."
Where's @sharkfucker420 when you need him?