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this post was submitted on 24 Apr 2024
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Lemmy Be Wholesome
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There's a Reddit community I used to visit now and then that was for ugly people. It was so toxic and hateful. These people literally believe that they can never be happy or have a relationship because they think they're ugly - it's their entire identity. I worry that many outcasts fall into this trap during their formative years and it warps their view of the world like the gentleman in the video.
I think that once they get out into the real world, most folks find that looks don't matter as much as lifestyle, personality, and compatible morals.
I didn't think I was ugly because I thought I was ugly. I thought I was ugly because no one wanted anything to do with me for reasons I couldn't comprehend.
I also noticed how "pretty" people didn't have anywhere near as hard of a time socializing as I did. They were allowed to have bad personalities. Even if I was as kind and helpful as I could possibly be I'd never be treated the same way as a "pretty" person would.
It's one of the ugly truths of human existence, that most people won't admit.
"Looks" absolutely play a large role in inter-human relationships. But since it carries a lot of unpleasant things most people don't want to admit, they either ignore it, or outright lie about it to make themselves feel better.
The research has been done "pretty" people earn more, get more promotions, and are generally more successful at life.
Not to say your life is over if you're not pretty. But there is a clear advantage.
I think it's more that western societies like to try to act like their instincts aren't real. They'll look you dead in the face and say "beauty means nothing to me!" Meanwhile their secretary is massively under qualified for the job but she got big tiddies.
Or when a super hot woman is a total cunt but everyone let's her get away with it because "ooh hot girl"
It's the same way with men I just used women as an example because I'm a dude who's seen a lot of girls with shit personalities get treated like they can do no wrong.
The thing to focus on is that there are many different kinds of people in the world. I grew up with a disability, and it didn't take me long to figure out that there are people you'll meet who just hate you for not being what they consider to be "normal." There's nothing you can do - they're just going to hate you. But, I eventually found that there are also people who would never dream of doing such a thing, and will treat you neutrally until they get to know you, and will treat you well after that if you treat them well.
Yes, the assholes of the world will always be there, and they'll make you feel like shit, but the more you can dismiss them as simply being judgemental assholes who know nothing about you, the more you'll be able to see all the people who will treat you fairly. Sure, if you've got a terrible personality, then even those people will want to have nothing to do with you, but if you control the things you can control, there are a lot of people in the world who will see that and think well of you for it.
I had similar experiences in my youth and it definitely warped my perception of self-worth. It took a long time to overcome.
How did you overcome?
I don't want to offend you or anyone in any way, I just wonder if it could have been a case of neurodiversity (you being neurodivergent in a way socializing didn't come as natural as for others).
In my case, I understood my own differences a little late. I was rejected a couple of times because I was apparently showing-off. I connected the dots years later: I was being too effusive and intense, which was read as arrogance or cockiness.
A friend of mine struggled with his autism. People during his school years thought he was grumpy (or worse), when in reality he was having a hard time coping with external stimuli and information.
People can see something is different, but many (even as adults) are not kind about the explanation. Instead of thinking that you are a shy person (or whatever trait they are judging), they might think you think you're better than them or whatever.
It's funny how many people default for an option in which the "weird" person is a bad person somehow, but there's probably some evolutionary adaptations to partially blame...
Same as my last paragraph. It's human nature to make judgments based on taste, on personal preferences, etc. "Pretty privilege" is real, and we should outgrow it, but... yeah. It even affects people deemed attractive as they cannot trust the same, they cannot escape things like comparisons, etc. Let's not talk about the bullying for the other side. It's vicious.
I hope you're okay after that experience.
I remember in high school overhearing a classmate say something about a classmate who happened to not be present that day. It was something along the lines of
Hearing that honestly rocked me, I'd never even considered that line of reasoning before. He wasn't talking about me, but I was pretty shy too (well, socially anxious) - I'm almost certain he thought the same about me, or even said it aloud when I wasn't around. I immediately thought "Does everyone else see me the same way? Do I appear stuck up and unapproachable?" Anyway, I haven't seen that dude in years, don't even remember his name, but I never forgot that line.
So relatable! ..sad.
When I was young, I wanted to think of women in a way that I could look beyond typical attractiveness. I made a point to find something about everyone. It soon became apparent that everyone is beautiful in a way. Sometimes it's not a facial feature but there's always something. And I started to find a lot of women sexy even if I wasn't really sexually attracted to them. As life has gone on, it's been interesting to me how someone that might not be very pretty becomes hot as all be because of their talent or skills.
I always thought I was ugly but women always found me attractive. It was a hard thing to accept.
Interesting, is it possible to find oneself ugly while being loved? Maybe I am narcissistic in that I don't find myself that ugly, but many women do.
Incels.
Yeah. Eliot Rodgers was a prime example.
Honestly I looked weird mid puberty and it took me a long time to learn I’m fairly attractive. I’m not like supermodel hot or anything but it’s fair to say I’m pretty in buffalo. You can always find flaws in the mirror, the people on tv do every day. I choose not to. My wife doesn’t mind them, my girlfriend doesn’t mind them either, and neither do the women I do casual stuff with. I get a lot more benefit from doing other things with my mental energy.
Meanwhile:
How dare you include the great Michael Sheen in this
He's a great guy. Fantastic actor. Love him. He's a weird-looking dude.