this post was submitted on 23 Dec 2025
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My mother told me last night that she’ll never give me she/her, as “she knew what she gave birth to,” and that I should consider myself fortunate that she’s trying to use they/them on me.
My pronouns aren’t they/them; my pronouns are she/her.
I see. So your mom just wanted to go on record that she's wrong. Twice. And wants to continue being wrong because her pooping out a person gives her... Ownership?
https://reductress.com/post/they-them-pronouns-suddenly-easy-for-person-misgendering-trans-woman/
I'm so sorry. I genuinely don't understand why people see they/them as a compromise. It's just misgendering.
It's gender-nonspecific.
While I agree that using it while knowing the chosen pronouns of someone is a dick move, “they/them” is what you use when you don't know.
Yes, that's true. There are situations where it can be a sign of respect, I agree.
However, as a binary trans woman, it'll never be that simple for me. If I get they/themmed by a stranger who doesn't know, I spend the entire day worrying about what I did wrong in my presentation to not be simply referred to as "she" that time.
This isn't anyone's fault. No one's a mind-reader. And overall I think this practice is good, though not without some minor criticisms that probably aren't worth mentioning since it would take an essay to unpack.
For me it means “not clearly someone who gets offended when I don't use their assigned-at-birth pronouns”.
I use it by default for anyone reading in any way leftist or alternative or queer or in any other way cool.
I'm not cool then lol.
I'm sure people other than me have different heuristics!
Point is that they/them is a perfectly fine set out pronouns to use by default for everyone, with no implied judgment.
Got something similar from my mom, who told me, that she will not bother getting used to my new name/pronouns since I'm not visiting that often .__.
One up her and never visit until it's at the funeral.
Would like to do that, but can't since I'm financially dependent on them (my parents; both are equally unaccepting) and will be for the next few years.....
Also I have not given up them completely.
I get that family is complicated. There is nessesity, and there is hope for the future. I wish you the best this holiday.
It’s all terribly complicated to navigate, isn’t it?
Makes me want to push her away again, and I’m fighting my base instincts from doing just that.
That's rough mate, she's your mum and you need her to be supportive. Christmas is symbolic and she's not even going to try at Christmas. You're her daughter and you deserve to have her support. You don't need to be grateful to someone who is misgendering you, and her thought processes are totally wrong.
Have you checked out !dadforaminute@lemmy.world they're substitute family for people that don't have the one that they need. They're really inclusive
I mean, I’m also forty years old and getting by with the help of my wife, so I think at the end of the day my mom is a nice bonus to mood and happiness, but not strictly necessary. I’m trying to keep up good relations, but what she said last night fucking hurt.
I get that totally and it's really hurtful. No trans+ person should ever hear that from anyone especially not their mum
Let's compromise and do what you hate.
Why does it always feel this way though?
Or like I'm always defending something someone else did or said.