6 days ago I was "replaced" by an imposter. The evil doppleposter, @WokePalpitoad@hexbear.net.

I awoke in a daze. In the dark hours of 4:30 PM I see a silhouette on the far wall of my bedroom. The shadow crept towards me. I thought it was sleep paralysis, but it was soon to be post paralysis as I entered hell.

I was tied to my bed with hundreds of meters of cheaply-made, non-standard power-only USB-C cables. I couldn't break free. I shimmied and shook and couldn't get loose. The vile shadowself whose dark ess stretched across the room held an iPad in his hand. And he was posting. As me.

He held it over my head like I was an iPad baby. Mocking me. Tormenting me. Upbearing all the bad posts. But eventually slipping into my persona that none of you could see through.

But like all liars, he left little clues subconsciously. As even liars yearn for truth.

Or perhaps they're truly inhuman and lacked the understanding. They struggled to understand what Pokemon actually is and have no respect for intellectual property laws and thus posted "Pokemon cards" that are technically cards with Pokemon on them, but not the TCG. And also Metazoo card for some reason.

And not one of you noticed.

Not one of you cared about the Indian Funskool bootleg Squirtle card posted.

After days of being tied up I asked for nourishment. He opened a bottle of Dr. Pepper Zero beside my head. I begged for the full flavour and calories of the non-diet version! He didn't care. I was forced to chug the 31 flavours of Dr. Pepper in a zero calorie form.

I would eventually shit myself Trump-style.

But it got worse. He was getting upbears on all of his posts. Even the bad joke attempts. Those are my upbears and I demand they be transferred to me. I did the math, his posts did statistically better than mine.

I imagine that if it continued he would have been given moderator status, which he openly craved.

And worse yet. As if fate itself was tormenting me (it was) he pressed the iPad against my face as he got a DM from not one, but seemingly multiple posters with [she/her] pronoun tags on the site. Figuratively throwing themselves at him as he literally threw the iPad against my tear-soaked face.

I demand those, too, be transferred to me.

But through my darkest hour, in my darkest bedroom, there came light. An electrical fire started because it turns out that the iPad was being powered by those hundreds of meters of cheaply-made, non-standard power-only USB-C cables. I soon broke free. The sparks melted the extremely thin plastic of the wire casings and I was able to heave myself out of bed.

I flung open the door. The room was flooded with light. The doppleposter was gone as if they had never been here. Except the hundreds of meters of useless USB-C cables probably bought off of AliExpress.

This was 45 minutes ago. I'm taking a shower and I will be drinking a non-diet soda in there.

I will be accepting apologies. And dates.