Elon Reeve Musk, 54, President, CEO, and sole proprietor of Tesla, industrialist and technologist, founder, President, and CEO of the multi-billion-dollar pre-war robotics and software corporation, SpaceX, has died.
Generally recognized by Mr. Musk to be mankind's only hope of long-term survival, Mr. Musk's passing may well sound a death knell for the entire human race.
Lost forever is his bounty of knowledge concerning human longevity, the depth and breadth of which could, as he was apt to say, "fill several text books." He was not exaggerating. Though he did not achieve his goal of raising a child that will speak to him, let us not forget that he died at the age of 54. How many people do that? I mean, come on.
Also lost forever are Elon's singular personality, force of will, vision, and leadership ability. The probability of an equally capable figure emerging from the current human population to lead mankind to a future of equivalent quality is less than 0.000112% by objective measures too complex to detail in this obituary.
Personality and force of will: Born June 28th, 1971, Elon was taught about white genocide at an early age when his father explained to him "If you registered it, you would wind up with nothing, because the Blacks would take everything from you". Though cheated of his inheritance, Elon attended the prestigious Institute in Pennsylvania and bought Twitter on his 51st birthday. Within 3 years, it was one of the least usable platforms on Earth.
Vision: By 2026, Musk was certain that white genocide would soon devastate the planet. At great personal expense, he developed technologies to ensure that his AI, Grok, knew how to make a lot of questionable porn in the hopes that crackers would get horny enough reproduce. When haters started complaing about things like "Your AI is undressing pictures of minors." Elon defeated them all. Talk about vision!
Leadership: Mr. Musk survived the scorn of woke AI porn haters, of course, and would later unite the Three companies he ruined, negotiate with Grok to stop epic roasting him, and rebuild his plans for self driving cars that are totally coming soon. While these achievements yielded no immediate benefits, they were all part of Elons's master plan to re-ignite mankind's quest for technological advancement, a plan without which the human race has nowhere to go, and nowhere to turn
/// Will revise and finish this up later. Have set the age at death to update automatically. Obit makes salient points but "pearls before swine," of course. Let's hope the ingrates never have cause to read it. Who knows how many of them are even literate!