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sadness and dysphoria
Every now and again it all really hits menothing is actually translating to my life. I'm not "putting the work in". I have made no progress in finding a real job, like ever. Sure I'll sit here like a useless fuck and try to squeeze some happiness out of the little hrt changes or whatever but my actual life sucks. And I'm not doing enough to change it.
There's no hope. I have my little depressed world of imagination and wishes inside my head and that's it. I have no hope of getting an actual job, my own actual place, someone who loves me, and most importantly a body/voice I'm happy being in. There truly is no point in living.
Why would I want to live another day in the disgusting, horrible body. Pain day in day out. It has crushed everything.
I can't get myself to get a good job. an okay job. I can barely do anything. I am feeling so unbelievably worn out from 30/week. I'm fucked. My stupid fucking dysphoria has ruined everything. I'm tired. I'm hopeless. Everything good is just made up shit I can't put in enough effort.
I'm not built for this stupid fucking life.