HELLO THIS IS THE MEGA SIGN UP POST/LIST POST

if you have a preferred week please tell me

Shaleesh* (2/23 - 3/1)
SwitchyandWitchy* (3/2 - 3/8)
Wmill* (3/9 - 3/15)
Disaster_of_Passion* (3/16 - 3/22)
meler* (3/23 - 3/29)

​ * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

I really fucking love this little corner of the internet and I'm thankful for all of you

Can I get an uwu?

I said CAN I GET AN uwu??

Yeeeaaah things fucking suck again, but at least I am writing again. Nothing good though 😬

I've been getting into more and more different kinds of music, but, i keep coming back to stomach book and femtanyl (wow so original i know). Yeah, their content is about being trans and all that relate to it, but something in those 2 artists click to me more than, say, patricia taxxon.

I think i just dont like music that is soft and warmer. Being trans is about survival and endurance and strength against the world thats wants us shot and tortured and exterminated. Its about loving ones self and learning to accept that one's their desired gender despite what dysphoria says.

And the cutesy warm and fuzzy tunes some artists have put me off because being trans, to me, is not warm and fuzzy. Its loud, staticy and barely intelligible. The somber tunes, to me, feel demeaning.

Just an opinion. Probably influenced by recent events back in turkey and liberating myself from my abusive partner

Shaved my chest and belly today, the latter not particularly well but it makes the whole area look a lot more feminine. I think if the average person was presented with just my torso they'd think it was a woman's. Largely cause of the boobs

Let my daily chess game with my friend time out because I really do not have the energy or anything to worry about it. He instantly sent me another game request. That felt kinda nice that he cares and wants to play with me. Its been a pretty shit weekend otherwise.

every time a bell rings, a trans girl gets on E

Amazing how my whole week can be summarized as "nothing ever happens", but with a whole lotta gut wrenching pain in between.

horny

Finally made butt things work for me 😅 I've always been scared because it felt unsanitary to me. That also kept me from being able to relax and enjoy it. Still struggling to relax, but I definitely enjoyed it today 😳

mild nsfw

I freaking love women 😤

Cannot believe that I am fucking toasted at the gay bar with their weak drinks.

My gf and other friends are with me, so I am good. But I definitely regret drinking this much after skipping dinner.

Anyways, Sunday open stage drag night is fun.

trans woes, mostly dysphoria, alcohol and t4t relationship troubles

I feel ashamed of being trans. Being maternal and motherly. Being there for my community when they need me. And its because of my partner. No, they aren't cis, they're enby actually.. but they only transitioned socially which makes them feel "less trans".

Yesterday (its 9am my time) i went to a distant part of my city to grab t-blockers from a transgirl that came from another country. We hung out together for 8 or so hours. I felt my heart sink when i watched the train they were in slowly take off the station... then i went to meet up with another transgirl alongside my partner. I met both these transgirls for the first time, we talked online for a while but... this was the first time i actually saw them face to face. I gave this other transgirl -the one i met up with my partner- half of the t-blockers i had.

This morning she told me she's starting her HRT. She even posted the date in our dms. Sweet girl..

But.. last night.. my partner began chastising me for loving transgirls - as if i don't love enbies. They made me feel ashamed of being trans altogether and in particular transfemme. I already have trouble accepting and loving myself.. i can barely do those things while still struggling to exist every day. I've taken up drinking this past week, but, i stopped at the request of my partner. I feel ashamed of myself for being maternal, for fostering trans kids online and taking care of another one irl now. I feel ashamed of myself for being a bad partner, because they talk to me like i don't do anything to support them, like i don't love and appreciate them.

I'm hurt. Deeply hurt by everything going on in my life. I'm overworked and paid minimum wage during a staff shortage. HRT might be banned any day across the nation. In autumn i start university, which i had my application frozen due to some shenanigans around a language proficiency test. I got kicked out of one of my major support groups due to something that isn't even in my control, thankfully some of the people there care enough that they still want to be here for me. The last time i asked my partner for emotional support i recieved a 4 minute audio file chastising me for not being appreciative of their love and support alongside a wall of text elaborating on that audio. Everything happened over the course of the last 3 weeks too. Too little time for too much.

It's 9AM right now and i have work in 4 hours. The half-empty vodka bottle calls to me

I was listening back to a recording of myself and my god I sound gay when I get excited about something. It gives me a little euphoria even though I sound like a guy

i wish my fingers were more thin and slender so I could more easily stick bugles on the tips of them. my fingers are currently too stout and wide for most bugles

I am in my T H I C C maxxing arc. I'm such a carb pilled girl, snacking at midnight.

I am 100% sure my legs have gotten thicker, my ass probably got fatter too. I'm going to keep eating and slightly working out.

I did something many here might not approve of. I decided to climb back into the closet. I lied to my mom and said I'm cancelling transitioning (I'm 100% continuing)

She told me she couldn't be happier and started praising God

Now I'm 100% certain to cut my parents out of my life. All I need is time. 2 years to finish my education and get a good job. I'm going to spend these 2 years avoiding and lying to my parents, then bam! I'll disappear like a magic trick.

Feel like ive gotten noticeably more extroverted since my egg cracked

I have not gotten any less autistic, shy, anxiety prone, socially awkward or socially maladjusted, however, so hard to actually be even half as outgoing as id wanna be

Catching a train, leaving my home for the first time in a while, a guy stands up and introduces himself to the carriage, some speech about being homeless, having a wife, whatever

I hand him a fiver I have been holding onto for this kinda thing, he says like thank you sir, you have kindness in your heart, god bless you

😮‍💨

once again I am languishing with the idea that god allows all this to happen, okay bud

updates to coming out

Idk when "fuckass parent" posting will end, but they manage to make everything so needlessly exhausting

Had a call with them after ghosting for 3 days.

I shit you not, almost every sentence my mom said was some transparent ass emotional manipulation attempt.

Not a single "I'll accept you", or even trying to manipulate me with "I love you".

Literally made the entire call about her, the effort she made to raise me and how much of a right she has to control me. Constant uses of "if you value your parents at all ..." and "you should take some time and think ..." (even after I told her I've had GD for 8 years).

I have never dealt with a person whose personality and dialogue are so ass that it made me start critiquing the writing skills of her abusive language.

depression and suicide

The more I think about my mortality, that this is it, all I get, the more I just want to kill myself and get it over with. My story is just agony and suffering all the time. Nothing good, nothing worth staying for. It's just been a horrible, depressing pain. Why do I insist on sticking around and suffering even longer and feeling even more pain and watching my life truly fall to nothing before I get it over with.

It's been years. Basically everything since childhood. It's getting worse. There is no point.

sadness and dysphoria

Every now and again it all really hits me

nothing is actually translating to my life. I'm not "putting the work in". I have made no progress in finding a real job, like ever. Sure I'll sit here like a useless fuck and try to squeeze some happiness out of the little hrt changes or whatever but my actual life sucks. And I'm not doing enough to change it.

There's no hope. I have my little depressed world of imagination and wishes inside my head and that's it. I have no hope of getting an actual job, my own actual place, someone who loves me, and most importantly a body/voice I'm happy being in. There truly is no point in living.

Why would I want to live another day in the disgusting, horrible body. Pain day in day out. It has crushed everything.

I can't get myself to get a good job. an okay job. I can barely do anything. I am feeling so unbelievably worn out from 30/week. I'm fucked. My stupid fucking dysphoria has ruined everything. I'm tired. I'm hopeless. Everything good is just made up shit I can't put in enough effort.

I'm not built for this stupid fucking life.

I've been enjoying the manga After God so much! It's got a lot of aspects of my xenogender in there, it's so cool 🥹 and feels almost uncanny. Like it's been plucked out of my own imagination! The story is also just... cool in general (to me, as a fan of supernatural horror.) Heavy CW for the content, I guess I have always liked difficult, brooding stories with the caveat that I am critical of what I read / watch.

Sucks because I ran out of chapters and I can tell it's one of those stories that I will think about a lot, especially for how relatable the cursed protagonist is to me 😩

It feels similar to Dunmeshi (which I also related to heavily) but more intense and way more edgy.

I'm quitting nicotine.

This shit sucks. I hate this. I was using so much, now trying to limit myself to 4 hits from a vape per day, down from constantly hitting it all day every day. I hate this. I was going cold turkey starting yesterday (with a cessation aid, to be fair) and today was so miserable I needed to switch to stepping down instead of just stopping outright cause I could feel I was gonna break and just start using as per usual again. Any progress is good progress. I keep telling myself that. But I'm anxious and angsty and uppity and pissy and amped and it sucks. I'm exhausted and full of energy all at once. I need something to fully absorb my attention and time and give me dopamine. Maybe I'll play some videogames. Idk. I hate my brain rn, I hate this so much. I'm trying to resist as much as I can, even with the four hit allotment. The less I use the better. Maybe tomorrow I can go without entirely. Idk. This shit just fucking sucks.

spoiler request? If anyone has tips/suggestions for aiding quitting please share, I need some sort of anxious fidget I think to replace the anxious hits and constantly addressing anxiety by vaping. I could use suggestions for the oral fixation aspect (no I will not chew toothpicks or gum I know those are common but I hate both of them). Preemptive thank you for any suggestions or encouragements. This shit sucks.

Being trans then becoming a communist (the more common route) makes a lot of sense. Transition opens your eyes to oppression but also intersectionality and solidarity.

But being a communist and then becoming trans (what I imagine quite a few here are) is hilarious. It's like I feel something is fundamentally wrong. Oh turns out society is built on the violence required to enforce capital accumulation and imperialism, was that it? No that's bad but I feel there's something else...