this post was submitted on 09 Mar 2026
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Anyone notice how all (well intentioned) advice for autistic people is just "mask harder"? (lemmy.ca)
submitted 1 day ago by sveltecider@lemmy.ca to c/autism@lemmy.world
62 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

What the title says. Well intentioned, often other "neurodivergent" people look at your life, your autism, and say: "you should mask harder."

For example, I accidentally said something that offended a friend. Won't go into detail, but it was me unintentionally coming off as arrogant, not something bad like a slur or hate speech.

I asked for advice (elsewhere) and the advice was universally, "you see, NT avoid this topic at all costs. Going forwards, know it is best to avoid this topic."

But isn't this just saying "mask harder and be more palatable for everyone else"?

Every piece of "autism advice" I see even in "neurodivergent friendly" communities is basically "how to be less autistic."

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[–] Viceversa@lemmy.world 7 points 23 hours ago (3 children)

their more toxic social norms

I wouldn't say politeness and tact are toxic.

[–] sveltecider@lemmy.ca 2 points 5 hours ago

What counts as “politeness” is meaningless. For example, it’s stupid that we aren’t “allowed” to discuss pay.

[–] eksb@programming.dev 5 points 18 hours ago (1 children)

The problem is that the rules for being "polite" and "tactful" are seemingly arbitrary and impossible to understand.

I know there are facial expressions you are supposed to make in certain situations to make your words work as polite, but I cannot consistently figure out how to do it.

[–] ChexMax@lemmy.world 2 points 9 hours ago (2 children)

I'm sure this is an inappropriate question, but out of curiosity, are you a man or a woman?

I'm just always curious with this because women are typically diagnosed later or not at all because women figure out masking earlier and better.

I wonder if it's purely self preservation on the part of women or if women are more explicit in social rules with one another?

[–] RebekahWSD@lemmy.world 2 points 8 hours ago

As an autistic woman, it's been self preservation for me. Other non autistic women have not been explicit about the rules. Quite the opposite lol.

[–] eksb@programming.dev 1 points 8 hours ago

I am a man.

I think I might be agender though. I find gender roles as confusing and arbitrary as all the other social rules.

[–] Gold_E_Lox@lemmy.dbzer0.com -1 points 23 hours ago (1 children)

i wouldnt say you know what youre talking about

[–] Viceversa@lemmy.world 6 points 22 hours ago (1 children)

That was toxic.

[–] Arcanepotato@crazypeople.online 4 points 16 hours ago* (last edited 16 hours ago)

Help me understand.

What is not toxic to you:

  • A person has a disability which makes task x difficult to perform.
  • Everyone agrees that this person has this disability and that this disability makes it hard to perform task x
  • If they try to perform task x they may not understand they are doing it incorrectly, again because of the disability that everyone agrees is real and this person has.
  • no one is expected to create an environment where task x is made easier
  • when this person fails at task x, it is treated as a moral failing
  • inability to perform task x puts access to fundamental needs at risk

What is toxic:

  • being told that you do not understand the experience that someone is trying to express

Is this accurate?