this post was submitted on 26 Mar 2026
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I'm starting to think flirting means something more explicit to the majority here than it does to me.
Trying to figure out if it was implied that the person being flirted with gets given a phone number or contact information?
Are we assuming OP is going to be laying it on thick then just go "ah, just kidding, thanks for the validation" or what?
Yeah I don't know what others are imagining here, I have to think they're seeing flirting as something more committal than me, but I don't know if that's us talking about different things or others being entitled. Like to me it just feels good to be flirted with. it gives me a boost in confidence, and I like returning that feeling. I think mutual flirting with someone opens up an appropriate avenue for asking to take things further without worrying about coming across as creepy, but expecting things to go further is totally different. Frankly, if I was on the fence about whether to date someone and they reacted angrily to me flirting with no intent to go further, that would be a huge red flag and tell me I made the right choice avoiding going further with them.
And if I found out that someone was "flirting" with me while deliberately avoiding mentioning that they have an SO so that I would provide them with "validation" over the course of a conversation, it'd be at least a mild consolation to know that the person in question was not worth being involved with.
That's fine, that's your preference. The thing I said that you quoted wasn't super applicable to this situation anyways, since the OP knows they don't want to pursue any sort of relationship, whereas I was commenting from a perspective of uncertainty, so maybe I shouldn't have even included that part. Personally I wouldn't hide that I have an SO if I were in the OP's shoes, but I still don't think that's really the other parties business if OP is never intending to be romantic/sexual with their flirting partner anyways. To me it feels reminiscent of cis people getting mad if I don't disclose that I'm trans to someone I'm flirting with because they may not be into me if they knew. But like if we aren't actually committing to anything, then why is it their business? It's not quite the same because there is an actual danger to disclosing transness to someone you don't know, whereas disclosing that you have a partner likely won't put you in danger, but I think the general idea that it isn't actually the other person's business unless you are going to have a romantic/sexual relationship with them is the same.
Why put flirting and validation in scare quotes? Mutual flirting goes both ways after all, both participants are validated. I don't think that validation or the words expressed become less real just because there is no intent to follow up on them.
Maybe it's worth considering then that, if we're talking about a proposed habitual behavior toward strangers, what matters is not just if anyone is fine with it but what the odds are that over several goes, it will be hurtful to some people?
I think the part about you potentially being put in danger is a pretty important distinction! In fact, I think it's pretty difficult to abstract away from that fact. Let me know if another analogy occurs to you.
For the sake of brevity, disgust at the cutesy way they describe this behavior, etc. Let me know if you think further explanation is important.
I'm sure you have already come to the conclusion that our perspectives are wildly different and quite difficult to reconcile owing at least in part to our different experiences (statistically, you've been hit on more in a ~2 year period than I have in my whole life, based on your other comment), but I hope that you can understand why someone deliberately misleading me to milk some compliments out of me for the sake of their "need"* for validation while not having the slightest possibility of any genuine interest in me at any point might not actually be a super validating experience for me. Someone condescending to telling me what they think I want to hear so that I express interest in them and they feel good about themselves does not appeal to me.
*in this case I meant it as the more straightforward "what they are calling it is absolutely not what it really is" marker, if you're wondering.
do you get people trying to flirt with you a lot? I have had people express interest in me maybe three times in my entire life.
Nah I wouldn't say a lot, but it's not super rare for it to happen. At one point it was maybe once every 4-6 months or so[^1]? But these days I don't go out much because of the pandemic, so it doesn't happen as often. It happens a lot more now than it did before I started transitioning, I think partly because I became a lot more friendly and comfortable with complimenting people once I felt more like myself. I'm also non-monogamous, pretty openly sex-positive, and live in an area with a lot of other queer people, so I'm sure that contributes plenty as well.
[^1]: Definitely more frequently if you include online, but if someone is flirting with me online it's probably in an online space that is explicitly sexual so I wouldn't count that for this conversation.
that sounds like a lot to me, but i haven't spoken to anyone outside of a workplace in years
Yeah, I'm thinking what we consider flirting may be equivalent to a friendly chat to some.
I haven't had to worry about it in a long time so