361
submitted 3 months ago by Dex@sopuli.xyz to c/theonion@midwest.social

WASHINGTON – Members of John Fetterman’s staff confirmed today that the Pennsylvania senator has successfully completed a total re-speccing of his entire character, including his personality, policies, and collection of ill-fitted gym shorts.

“It was just time to try something new,” one junior staffer said. “You play one way for a while then all of sudden you want something a little more aggressive, a little more range-y. Go heavy on the bombs.”

The changes have been abrupt, showing DC politics allows for almost complete ground up rebuilds mid-game.

“You pick a character thinking it’s one thing, but it might completely change,” one voter said. “It’s exciting but I think it breaks the game. What’s the point of choosing if they can just change it all later?”

Fetterman was defiant in his decision.

“I’m no longer a progressive,” Fetterman said. “I also don’t use a 2-handed mace anymore. Doing a whole different thing – watched a bunch of YouTube videos to get the strongest build. No Woke Mind Virus or infect spell casts at all really.”

As of press time Fetterman staff confirmed that although the senator would be wiping all of his progressive skilltree to rebuild, he was unable to change his Ogre race.

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[-] over_clox@lemmy.world 35 points 3 months ago

Dangit, I was trying to make sense out of what I was reading, then after the first paragraph I realized this is The Onion 😂🤣

[-] Karyoplasma@discuss.tchncs.de 23 points 3 months ago
[-] nslatz@lemmy.world 8 points 3 months ago

R.E.S.P.E.C.T. Find out what it means to me.

[-] bradorsomething@ttrpg.network 1 points 3 months ago

Take out the P.E.C. So it means REST.

[-] Beetlejuice001@lemmy.wtf 18 points 3 months ago
[-] DragonTypeWyvern@midwest.social 13 points 3 months ago

Just literal brain damage

[-] EffortlessEffluvium@lemm.ee 17 points 3 months ago

The Ship of Theseus candidate!

[-] hipsterdoofus@lemmy.zip 17 points 3 months ago

What being chronically online and doomscrolling Twitter and TikTok does to a mfer

[-] pyre@lemmy.world 13 points 3 months ago

the literal brain damage probably didn't help

[-] InevitableWaffles@midwest.social 14 points 3 months ago

The Onion continues its hot streak.

[-] Swedneck@discuss.tchncs.de 7 points 3 months ago

it's hard-drive.net though

[-] InevitableWaffles@midwest.social 4 points 3 months ago

... Yes, I suppose it is. Good catch.

this post was submitted on 01 Jun 2024
361 points (97.9% liked)

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