this post was submitted on 21 Nov 2025
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[–] ozymandias@lemmy.dbzer0.com 144 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (24 children)

there’s a lot more to what it means to be perceived as gay in this society than just that person, personally hating gay people.
i had someone say that to me and i’m just extremely self conscious so i was just trying to figure out why….
was it my tone of voice? mannerisms?
all these penises in my mouth?
Is that why women are seldom romantically interested in me? Do they all think i’m gay? is that the key to my loneliness? (probably just the ugly part).
if you tell someone, “oh i figured you like country music” and they don’t, they’re going to wonder why.
and i don’t know if they stopped, but kids used to be pretty mean calling people gay… it can be kind of a “touching on childhood trauma” thing.

my advice: don’t “trick” people with clever “tests” and try to be genuine with your friends. If you’re gay and you have straight friends, those friends probably aren’t the problem even if they have a problem with being misidentified as gay.

[–] glimse@lemmy.world 50 points 1 month ago

my advice: don’t “trick” people with clever “tests” and try to be genuine with your friends.

That's was my reaction to reading this, it's like shittestting in a relationship. YOU are the asshole if you do that. You're also an asshole if you think your straight friends would react like that. You're also terrible at picking your friends.

This post is basically saying "your straight friends aren't actually your friends, this is how you can prove it"

[–] Florn@hexbear.net 27 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Yeah I once had some guy give me a sly grin and say "I can tell you're Mormon" and to this day I have no idea what he meant. I am not nor have I ever been Mormon

[–] ozymandias@lemmy.dbzer0.com 12 points 1 month ago (1 children)

but if he tries it enough times, eventually he’ll be right

[–] Florn@hexbear.net 15 points 1 month ago (1 children)

No matter how many times he says it, I will not be Mormon

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[–] Carl@hexbear.net 9 points 1 month ago

I wonder if this kind of "advice" has always been prevalent, or if it's an artifact of the Internet that everyone thinks they're smarter than everyone else and feels like coming up with "tests" like this. In a real friendship you'll have months or years of context on how a person acts that you'll use to actually have a decent picture of their personality, their strengths and weaknesses, any reactionary tendencies, etc and you won't need to "test" if they're a real ally because you'll have an idea of what's going on.

[–] n0respect@lemmy.world 9 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

Agree. Let's approach this from the rational angle. "If they don't react how I think they should react, then they must be..." But that's clearly not a rational process. Its not even a decent heuristic.

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[–] Derpenheim@lemmy.zip 89 points 1 month ago (30 children)

Why is this okay because they are straight? Imagine saying you thought your Trans friend was a man, when they are trying to present as a woman.

These kind of tests are so toxic, and serve nothing but to spark an argument and hurt feelings.

You are part of the problem.

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[–] TempermentalAnomaly@lemmy.world 49 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Exposing people's insecurities is not a test of allyship.

[–] Hawk@lemmynsfw.com 12 points 1 month ago

I agree.

It may undermine a person's self-image without indicating they think any differently about other people's sexual interests or perhaps even their own.

[–] LaLuzDelSol@lemmy.world 49 points 1 month ago (13 children)

I don't think that would be my reaction as a straight man, but I could see why some people could be upset by others thinking that they were gay. It means you are not projecting the kind of appearance and energy you are trying to. It's like telling a trans man "oh when we first met I thought you were a woman." Maybe they can laugh that off but it probably stings still. It doesn't mean they think being a woman is inferior to being a man.

[–] Buddahriffic@lemmy.world 23 points 1 month ago (5 children)

Yeah, this kinda feels similar to the whole "you can't be racist against white people/sexist against men" that tries to turn it into a cycle of revenge rather than bring anyone together.

It seems just like false flag division tactics. On the surface it seems like a good point, but you peel it back a bit and see it's more likely to just drive away people who might otherwise be on your side for not being "supportive enough".

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There's more to it than that, being gay 30 years ago was enough to ruin your career - even if there wasn't any proof. This is where the term "metrosexual" came from in the 2000s. Being gay was so bad that men came up with a word that meant "I'm straight but I like to shower and dress nicely."

So if you're a Millennial or older, odds are that you still carry the scars from that stigma to some extent, even if you're an ally. When I was a kid, calling something gay was the worst you could get without swearing.

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[–] kryptonianCodeMonkey@lemmy.world 36 points 1 month ago

I'd say "because I'm stylish and I work out?" (Context: I'm fat and wear jeans and graphic tees year round)

[–] davidagain@lemmy.world 36 points 1 month ago

I feel like this is more of a test for confidence than for supportiveness.

[–] Cris_Color@lemmy.world 28 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

I mean guys are socially conditioned to feel inferior and less worthwhile as men for that kind of thing, I try not to hold it against folks as long as they're kind and choose to act in support

It takes some people a looong time to unlearn that internalized rubric. Sometimes it even takes gay guys a long time to unlearn it

[–] Reginald_T_Biter@lemmy.world 23 points 1 month ago

My brothers friend came out to his group, and apparently one of them just went "gayyyyy" and they had a laugh and that was that.

[–] SpaceCowboy@lemmy.ca 22 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Yeah being an "ally" isn't enough. People need to be subjected a purity tests too because that's been a super successful strategy so far!

Seriously, if someone isn't super comfortable with gay people but they overcome those feelings and support gay rights, just take the win.

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[–] SoftestSapphic@lemmy.world 17 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

Chat, is it healthy to guilt and purity test your striaght friends because they're straight?

[–] jaschen306@sh.itjust.works 13 points 1 month ago (1 children)

A gay dude hit on me and I was super flattered. I told him that he looked good too without saying "No Homo"

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[–] RaivoKulli@sopuli.xyz 13 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I'd be interested to know why they thought that too. Not sure why that's a bad thing

[–] minorkeys@lemmy.world 9 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I'd smile and be flattered initially and then I also would ask why. Isn't seeking to understand, a natural thing to do? We ask why about lots of things and it isn't an issue. I bet they asked themselves that question too cuz it means their gaydar sucks.

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[–] hddsx@lemmy.ca 11 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

If a gay friend told me that, I would have said “you have shit taste in men”

[–] infinitesunrise@slrpnk.net 10 points 1 month ago (2 children)

"Yeah, lots of people do. My parents did, too."

I actually get this fairly frequently. I don't read as terribly cis, but I am.

[–] lightnsfw@reddthat.com 11 points 1 month ago

I used to get it a lot when I was young because I didn't have a girlfriend. I was always like "....Yeah it's not because I'm 5'3, shy as fuck, got the shit bullied out of me at school for 6 years straight, and don't go to social activities, I'm just gay..." Assholes.

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[–] elucubra@sopuli.xyz 10 points 1 month ago (2 children)

I'm a straight guy. I don't wish I was gay, but being bi would be pretty cool. Twice the options.

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[–] captain_aggravated@sh.itjust.works 9 points 1 month ago (2 children)

"A good LGBT ally knows that straight men are the only people it's okay to misgender."

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[–] Lussy@hexbear.net 9 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

The gay guy deserved that beat down for pulling shit like that with their so called friends

[–] RBWells@lemmy.world 9 points 1 month ago

My queer kids seem to think I am lesbian. The girlfriends "are you sure your mom isn't lesbian?" I literally have birthed 4 of kids , half of that set queer, and myself had only 2 long term relationships, both with men. I'm only into men, as far as I can tell. Am not offended in the least, as I get older I do wish it was so, women hold up better; and they obviously mean it as a compliment, it's just funny.

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