wait! don't stop
this post was submitted on 30 May 2026
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I have to get a colonoscopy and now I want the doctor to do this. Either this or do a Jacques Cousteau impersonation as ventures into the depths.
they always do while you're under anesthesia
How do you know?
It's part of the package when you request a copy of the recording. You get to pick an impersonation of either Jacques Cousteau, Morgan Freeman, Werner Herzog, or Johnny Sins to narrate the procedure.
That sounds hilarious - Damn, maybe I should've gotten sedated...
not available for sedation, only for total knockout with intubation
...Pity. I like my group-butt-stuff-wit-random-strangers-for-totally-medical-reasons conensual
Or something. I don't know how any more
When I came to the Johnny Sins I spitted my drink.
Wait where do they offer Herzog?
Under the soft narcotic fog of sedation, the patient realizes that all human ambition. Every empire, symphony, and love affair. Ultimately leads to this, a stranger navigating the bleak pink corridors of one’s lower bowel in search of polyps.
Mine doesnt offer Herzog.
So a French who is obsessed with buttholes until the very end?
Too soon?
Yes.
"Nurse. You have to land this plane." In your most deadpan.
In the middle of a meeting with an international collaborator that came specifically to meet me, I stopped myself milliseconds before shouting “look, an airplane”
My classics are:
-
"what can I getcha; I can do a virgin screwdriver, a virgin appletini, a virgin vodka cranberry and we have a fine selection of pre-fermented wines."
-
(when giving liquid meds) "Now I do have salt but I'm fresh outta limes!"
-
(when giving multiple containers of liquid meds) "will I be mixing these into a cocktail for you or do you want me to line em up like you're 21 again?"
-
(when we're getting ready to bleach the everloving fuck out of the dayroom at 11pm) "you don't have to go to your room but ya can't stay here!"
"I just wanted to tell you both good luck. We're all counting on you."
Sure Heather.... Sure...