Ask Lemmy

I had my prior life completely destroyed, and spent about 5 years getting my health together, and last August began integrating myself back into society. Starting with zero social network, in just a few months of dance classes and social dancing, I have more friends and things to do than I've ever had in my life. I do swing/Lindy Hop, which is popular in my area, and also some ballroom dancing, but a lot of people do Salsa/Bachata. I cannot overstate how awesome this has been for meeting people. As a single man, it's especially powerful, as you have an easy introduction ("would you like to dance?"), you're immediately in their intimate space, and if you're any good at all you're delivering a fun, custom choreographed experience that lights their face and makes them smile from ear to ear. At 60 years old, my social life has never been better, and I'm having fun with attractive women of all age ranges.

You need a 3rd space. Join a sport/hobby/club.

The real problem is meeting people while being selective. Hosting events and posting online is an option but you literally can't be selective and you'll have to be okay with nobody showing up sometimes. Attending other peoples events might suit you though!

You could make friends through a multiplayer games dischord.

Going to the same place regularly is a good one. Cafes, Book stores, etc can be 3rd spaces, especially if they host community events. Bars as well but that isn't gonna contribute to a healthy lifestyle.

Younger crowd works for a bit in your early 30s but every year past 35 it feels less and less natural. It's not just generational, like they're in a completely different phase of life. At a certain point you're just not growing up tbbh.

RE people with kids, you gotta just accept that they'll participate when they can.

Look into volunteering some of your free time. Search for opportunities that put you out among people, do the things parents don't have time or energy for. It's okay if helping the community isn't your main motivation, the work doesn't care who does it. And it self-selects the other participants to be somewhat like yourself, especially if you let your interests drive your choice of where to donate your time.

Just to repeat whatever other people are saying here: Join any scheduled activity that happens weekly.

You can do yoga, spinning, sports when they have 30+ groups, dancing, pottery class, painting class, hiking groups etc.

You can also convert other friend sources to board game groups via house parties where you have easy games first then bring out harder stuff later.

I'll be honest I don't know how much the advice will work.

The advice is simple: do social stuff, be social, and you'll end up in a social group.

That being said, the advice is (a) mind-numbingly "have you tried putting one foot in front of the other foot" for someone that knows how to make friends, and (b) the advice is damn near useless/impossible for someone that doesn't know how to make friends.

Personally, I'm in group B. I don't know how to find clubs where people do stuff. I don't know how to find a place to volunteer.

In my core friend group, there's one couple that started a routine "third Saturday" dinner party. They'd host consistently basically every month, kind of open house. If you can make it, great. If not, see you next month! It did wonders for keeping the group together in spite of kids, job changes, life disruptions, etc.

Maybe something similar would work in your case?

Gay bars would probably be a statistically better place

Step 1: move to a big city with high rental cost in which having kids is not feasable for young families. Step 2: start a social hobby there Step 3: life the hedonistic lifestyle!

A/S/L?

jk, I'm old

SLPT: Sow the seeds of divorce. Then you get every other weekend to hang out with your friends kid-free. Bonus points if you manage to stay friends with both sides, you get 50% of your friends available every weekend!

Club.

Joined a choir and a wind band last year, now I'm on first name basis with the mayor. I didn't realise that especially the wind band was full of well-connected people.

cons. go to the next dragon con.

hobbies

buy an island and you'll find lots of people without kids that like them.

Do you have many friends that are parents? If you like to host stuff, maybe hosting BBQ or potluck type gatherings that are more family friendly so your current friends are more able to participate?

Otherwise, the third space suggestions are going to be your best bet. Get involved in your hobbies with others, pick up a sport, etc.

Join a club, try to find others that are like-minded. I've got friends who are recent parents and it made me have a look at my social circle and figured it was time to expand my social circle.

Lots of people are feeling lonely simply because they don't know where to meet any new people. I'd say see if your place of residence has some sort of meeting center where you could organise something. If only one person shows up it might be a success already.

If anyone is going to hang with younger crowds, try to make a rule for yourself. I'm in the mid-30s and I would not be comfortable anymore trying to hang with early 20-year olds. So, more of my flow is the later-20 year olds like the 26, 27, 28 and the like.

I retired young, at 38 years old, and moved back to my old hometown. All my childhood friends have since moved away from this place, so I had no local friends when I came home.

I'm now 42. In those past 4 years, I've made exactly 3 friends. None of which live close to me. None of which I visit more than once or twice a year.

My wife has made no friends in that time. She's a bigger introvert than me, choosing to stay in bed 60-70% of the day and going weeks without ever leaving the house. She laments not having any friends, but then won't make the effort to get to know anyone.

Trying to make friends later in life without kids is hard. Especially as an introvert. And it's not like I just sit around the house all day like my wife. I'm actively going into town and doing stuff. But it's hard to strike up conversations with strangers and find common interests.

Own a waterfront house and or a 24 foot pontoon boat.

Dead ass though, if you like nerdy stuff, go to conventions.

Many queer people, including couples. Some do of course, but the majority do not.

just cruising or walking around outdoors etc

Hiking clubs, cycling groups, and other hobby clubs. Even potluck dinners. Yeah, some older people will try to find ways to get free time and touch base.

TTRPGs

(fyi I am not sponsored, I've just used these and liked them)

I'm in a similar boat, but I've had good luck with just finding clubs and going through meetup. Even if you only go once or twice it's still something new to do.

Volunteering is always a good option too, gets you out and meeting people and you get to help your community. The parks and food banks especially always need volunteers.

And the last one I'll recommend is an app called Timeleft. It's paid ($20 a month) but you get to basically pick from the events they have and either go for dinner or coffee and meet with 6 random others on the app. I like it because there no pressure, it's not a dating app or anything, and you get to just hang with some open minded people for a few hours and chat. Everyone is identified so there's safety with it, and after each event you get to give out (and receive) little impressions like "Who felt the most welcoming", "who was good at leading conversation", "who was a good listener" etc.

Either way, it can feel challenging sometimes, but the options are out there. And as always, don't be afraid to host something and just throw the invites out, worst case people are too busy but most of the time people want to hang out, they just don't want to plan it.