Guamer

I posted a day or 2 ago about me and my friend going through it a bit. To sum up: The situation is largely resolved, we had a long in-depth talk about things and cleared the air, we're still close friends.

It's just that, during the course of our conversation I told him he's my closest friend and asked if I was his...and he said no. He said I was close, but not the closest.

I didn't ask who was, though I think I know. And if that person is indeed the one, I suppose I get it. He lost his mom and my friend helped him through it, and few things bring people closer than overcoming tragedy, which our friendship has largely been free of. This person is a good guy.

I know it seems petty, and I'm trying not to let it bother me, but ngl, no matter how much I try to logic it away in my mind: It hurts.

It hurts to know I'm no one's #1 friend, and maybe no one's #1 anything.

It's a complex situation and I'm tired, so I'll try to sum it up:

I struggle with depression/anxiety and feelings of isolation, and at this point only regularly get social interaction seeing my best friend once a week. He has a separate friend group from me made up of several people that he sees weekly as well, who he plays tabletop games with n stuff. He's had this group for many years, since highschool, and I've met and hung out with them a handful of times. We get along quite well!

I've lowkey been trying to become a regular part of that group for years now, but have recently intensified efforts to join due to my mental health worsening. I stopped beating around the bush and let him know about these feelings out loud a few months ago when I had a mini nervous breakdown of sorts, but things overall haven't really changed since. He didn't react the way I needed him to in the heat of the moment, which was disheartening to me, but that weekend he invited me to hang with the group since they were coincidentally having a non-tabletop hangout that week, and it did wonders for my mental health. Problem is: It's now been several months, and at this rate I'm on the road to another breakdown if nothing bigger changes. His main "excuse" why I can't do tabletop with them is that the group's too full. And when I suggested me just watching and not playing so I could still hang, since being around a friendly group is ultimately what matters to me, apparently that would still be an issue because "having a spectator would mess with the vibe".

I'm afraid to ever bring it up because I think broaching the topic annoys him, and like I said, he's basically the only life preserver my mental stability has this point, so I'm terrified of accidentally pushing him away.

We're both autistic also btw, and in different ways I think. He specifically seems to have more difficulty with empathy than I do.

He's a good guy, and I love him, but I am just so deeply, deeply frustrated.

(If you haven't seen this, she does it inside and takes several safety precautions to make sure doge is safe)

My stepdad is a great and nice guy, and I've suspected for a while that he might be autistic. He's very quiet and reserved, rarely shows strong emotion. Chuckles rather than laughter. He's also fixated on certain things and hobbies, and can talk/ramble about them for quite a long time. He likes puzzles and, what have been given to him, legos. Putting together and taking apart things.

Like I said, no hard evidence, but I could see it.

"I don't know what everyone wants me to be, all I know is how to be me."

• Donkey Kong

(The "weirdly" is in the original video's title, not from me)