disabled

God I hate customers. I’m glad my managers never put me on register because I’ve said I hate it in passing and apparently they noted that lol, but god it’s like whenever I get put on register, I attract shithead customers. I’m so sick of being treated like I’m lesser by lead paint stare customers when I make a minor ass mistake (even though a lot of the time it’s their own fucking fault, earlier I had a guy order a burger w the works and then get pissed and condescending when it don’t come with toppings that aren’t on the works.)

I’m never gonna work foodservice again after this job, I only stay for my coworkers and managers, I doubt I’ll find another job w managers this nice, and there’s like 6 of them lol.

Like a week ago I lost my first patient and I am certifiably not handling it well.

Hugs to all of you lovely souls

ME/CFS + Long Covid is so terrible, I wouldn't want to inflict it upon anyone. I wish everyone wore masks

I think I must be some sort of alien. I don't think I am ever going to see eye to eye with most of the population.

I just found out if we don't get $200 by Wednesday, me and my family will be evicted from our house. My CPAP is failing me, so I wake up every day tired as hell with headaches and chest pain that lasts all day, and I need to go back to sleep after being awake less than 6 hours. I think we'll make it somehow but it really sucks.

My psych appointment went well!

They're not entirely sure if have adhd but prescribed me wellbutrin so now I need to find a compounding pharmacy that'll make it without corn or corn derivatives but I forgot to tell the 2 I called that I also cant tolerate potatoes...

I realize now I'm autistic, and I'm at that stage where I try to organize my life so I dont have extreme meltdown because my wife asked me to go grab milk or some shit. It raised light on my entire life tbh, I understand now why my parents couldn't stay together, I spent years thinking my dad was a sexist violent asshole, whereas in reality his outburst disappeared the day he moved away from the highway and he had a more adapted job. It makes me sad that nobody realize sooner.

I haven't been too active here this past week or so as I've been having a lot going on. I thought once my benefits were sorted things would calm down but the opposite has happened. I think I've been in a mental health crisis this past week or two, plus personal and financial issues.

This mental health thing is something that has happened to me on and off for around 18ish years. I think it's some kind of religious mania and it's embarrassing to talk about but I once brought it up with a therapist and she didn't know what to say about it, dismissed it and changed the subject, and I need to talk to someone about it as it's really worrying me. What happens is that I suddenly develop an intense belief in Christianity which can last for weeks or months. During these times I intensely fear hell, feel what i can only describe as an intense religious ecstasy, and feel determined to try and stop all my sins (basically whatever things I do that the bible is against) and even go so far as to throw away all my personal items that are anti-Christian, this time for example I threw away some of my books such as ones about evolution.

This happens every few years. It hasn't happened in so long I thought it was over, but it started again and at first I felt good about it, determined to stop all my sins and repent. However last night i felt like God was telling me off because of my dishonesty towards the DWP - you know how I've been asking people to give me food vouchers so the DWP (the UK benefits office) don't find out I've been receiving financial help? I felt like God was convicting me of that sin and telling me I have to pay everyone back as obtaining that money involved deception towards the DWP. I also felt like I was being told I have to go out and preach the gospel to everyone I know - like literally contact people I haven't seen in years and preach to them.

Well I felt completely overwhelmed by the thought of having to pay back the financial help I've received as I have no idea how I would ever afford it (I still need help as I'll mention in a minute) and I also felt embarrassed to preach to people, especially as I have had this issue before and know it wears off eventually. I knew when it wore off I would be embarrassed if I had done that. Maybe due to the reality check of these two things, when I woke up this morning, the need to repent and preach had died down a lot. I feel almost back to normal except there is still a huge nagging part of my mind telling me I'm going to hell if I don't do these things. There's no point asking the NHS mental health services for help as they're worse than useless. I just wish this issue would go away permanently and completely. i feel so alone with this as I've not heard of anyone else having this issue.

During this episode something happened that also made me think this issue is some kind of mental crutch because of how crappy my life is. I spoke in chat about how I'd googled an old friend, Steve. well I decided to google all my other old school friends. I found one had died a few months ago (and became worried he's now in hell), but I actually managed to get in contact with another one. One of my best friends in my school days was James. His family lived in another town but he was staying in our town as he'd got a place at our school. He lived on the same road as me, a lodger in someone's house. During our A-Levels we were such close friends he'd often sleep over at my house for days on end, we'd sleep in the same room, even the same bed - totally platonic, he stayed at my house for pretty much an entire summer holiday once so we could be together instead of him going home to his own town. Last time I saw him I was 22 and he came back to our town for a visit, then we lost contact. Well I googled him on Wednesday and found a youtube channel with his first name and very unusual last name. I left a comment asking "Are you James C T______ from (his hometowns name). Yes it was him. We swapped emails and spent the rest of the night emailing each other.

He seemed just as thrilled to find me as I was to find him. We caught up, looked up our other old friends on social media to see what they were doing and I mentioned I wasn't working due to health issues. He seemed concerned and asked what was going on. I then did what can only be described as a huge trauma dump on him, about my health issues, being unemployed, being embarrassingly ugly now, being unable to socialise. I finished by saying I'd love to see him again and though I'm not feeling up to it right now, how about next summer as that will give me time to try and improve myself physically (get better at walking and try and look less hideously ugly) before then. I went to bed that night so excited I couldn't sleep at all, feeling like I finally have something to look forward to and work towards, an incentive to try and improve myself physically, put more effort into my physiotherapy etc, get better at walking as there would be a purpose to it all now. I also briefly felt less religious, like now I had something real to look forward to I didn't need that after all. That was on Wednesday night and he hasn't responded. I suppose he doesn't want to meet up, and finding me again doesn't mean as much to him as it does to me, and he doesn't want to deal with all my shit. It feels really crushing.

On top of all this I am going to have to make another mutual aid post. I got a letter saying that my backpay will be divided into two parts, spread out weeks apart, and I'm not actually getting my monthly payment for weeks yet either. So everything has been intense and I'm just really confused and I haven't been sleeping well at all.

So news update, went to a punch of different doctors, finally got an appointment for an MRI in like 2 weeks or so, they suspect its a nerve entrapment in the illpsoas - lovely. However had a flare up so I am back to basically not being allowed to do anything. At least something is happening and maybe by summer I can be like relativity normal again.

i've had to be away from the site a lot lately due to personal stress being enough to want to avoid political stuff but i love u all

Head feels like soup today. Probably executive dysfunction. Anyone ever had success getting their brain to function in times like this?

after feeling a bit of relief for the past year or so with my chronic pain it has suddenly come back with a vengeance and now i am back on the cane and the physical therapy and i have an MRI scheduled to check if anything is new internally. woohoo /s

at the very least my mental health has finally been improving i think! its still difficult though because i feel like i lost an entire year to my bipolar disorder. i cannot remember anything from january-november of last year and i feel like i woke up from a coma? which i guess is to be expected with the dissociation i felt. shits weird

Can whistling be considered a type of stimming if its like a compulsion that helps you regulate emotions?

Had to talk to my advocates to appeal my disability claim. I was denied, but I hear most people get denied the first time 'round. They keep asking if anything with my condition has changed, because apparently the appeal wants something to be different. Hopefully they can come up with enough fluff to appease the SSA. Not very much fun, must say.

Mental and physical health seems to be tanking since I broke my foot.

I ran out of pain meds early last week and stopped my Lexapro because I read they can disagree. Well stopping Lexapro cold turkey caused probably my worst anxiety attack in my life while I was in to get my foot checked on.

The anxiety became unbearable so I had my friend pick me up done CBD gummies to help. Well he went and told them to get the strongest shit they had. 500mg gummies of thcp is no fucking joke. Lessoned learned but I spent the last 5 days high off of 3 gummies.

I was out today and stopped to get a new vape but also grabbed some 50 mg CBD gummies this time and they seem to be working better. Just staving off the tightness in my chest to be tolerable.

But anyway, I've been back to work on light duty but I'm stuck sitting in a van with a co-worker for 10 hours a day and it's driving me crazy. Between that and not being able to see friends has extremely rough.

Idk what I'm saying. Mental health is a fuck.

My achilles and plantar fasciitis are flaring up again. It's got to the stage I need to take paracetamol to walk, but still can somewhat hobble about, at least for now. And yesterday I had a medical appointment after lunch. I ate gravy on my lunch and then went to the appointment and when I got home I looked in the mirror and my entire nose was very obviously covered in dried gravy. I'd been outside to my appointment like that seen multiple people, no-one said anything.