Ask Lemmy

I'm 40 (1985). I've had my experiences with older guys hitting on me when I was your age. I can tell you that, in my experience, the reason why men like that won't date in their own age group is because women their age see the red flags more clearly or won't put up with their bullshit.

Here are some things he might do to look out for: Does he try to impress you with things that are achievements for your age group but should be normal for his? Having a car, having their own apartment, having money to take you out etc. Maybe he'll offer to drive you places or stay at his place to get away from your parents.

Does he comment a lot on your age and experience level. Things like "Have you already done (alcohol, sex...)", "I've done XYZ, but you wouldn't know about it". Or does he act overly impressed by you 'already' knowing something, like music from his teenage years, having a job or just some common knowledge he thinks is "adult", maybe about cars or jobs. Basically, does he act like you are special, more mature for your age or does he talk about your age a lot.

Even if he doesn't do any of these things, I'd advice you against it. The age gap is too big. The world of an 18 year old who just got out of school is just very different from a 33 year old who is working a job. Having a few hobbies or music taste in common isn't the same as being in the same place in life.

call me old, but a 33 yr old going on a date with a 18 yr old... yea, red flag

33/2 + 7 = 23.5

That's a no

the date isn't happening anymore. he texted me asking if we could change the venue as he realized he can't really afford that restaurant at the moment (???, why was this realization so last minute) & i told him no worries i can pay for everything. he told me no way i could ever let a girl pay, it's not fair to the girl and also "emasculating" to him. hate that attitude. called it off and cut contact. thank u, next.

So, you're 18 and he is 33?

It's said if you divide your age by 2 and add 7 you roughly get the youngest age you can date. That would be 23,5. Personally, I've come to the believe any gap of 10 years or more is too much. Your just in too different parts of your life. There is often a bad power balance and simply different needs.

Go on the date, have fun, but I wouldn't get serious.

I consider myself an old man at this point being the right old age of 43 and I think older men creeping on little girls, and I’m sorry but I consider girls under 30 little girls, gross.

What? No, too big a gap.

bruh that's such a huge red flag, honestly i'm confused if this post is genuine or bait..

With that big of an age gap, what do you folks even have in common to talk about??

It seems that you are seeking dangerous behaviors on purpose. Don't do that.

Someone who has been having adult relationships for 15 years is going to be able to convince somebody with 0 years of adult relationships of whatever they want. Whether you feel happy or loved, eventually that power imbalance has a high chance of causing serious problems for you that you couldn't have seen coming.

Do it if you want, but go into it knowing that you are probably just a toy and probably won't know until you are set up for a really bad time when you finally see all the things you are currently blind to.

If you need an analogy, think about having a cooking competition between a beginner and a 15 year professional. The beginner probably has no idea how hard they are about to get smoked if they are thinking about their opponent as just another person who likes to cook.

It's a bit big age gap. But as long as you don't get yourself killed and learn from the experience you'll be fine in the end.

It's not necessarily as simple as "just observe his behavior". Sure, if this is someone who dates young women routinely and on purpose, the guy might show obvious red flags. But even if his motives are "innocent", the dynamics with even much smaller age gaps are usually very unhealthy and unequal, at least in my experience and especially when one partner is not at least in their mid-twenties. Often it's something they only realise much later.

Everyone's concerned about the gap... No one has asked where he's taking you

Obviously don't give the exact restaurant but is it a chain? a lovely little bistro? independent restaurant?

Or somewhere wank like Cafe Rouge

It’s kind of a sliding scale. Add 10 or 20 years to both ages, and the gap becomes less of A Thing. As you both mature (yes, you keep maturing into and past your 30s), the gap between “adolescent” and “adult” gets smaller and smaller. It can actually happen pretty quickly depending on how “worldly” the people in question are. No offense but while the law might consider the 18-yo an adult, that’s still a kid. And before anyone asks, I wouldn’t have too many issues with a 20-25 yo person looking to date an 18-yo. Not zero issues, but waaay fewer than this situation.

OP, if you’re just having fun go for it; but look out for yourself, and listen to words of caution. Plenty of 18-yo college freshmen have dated professors and come out just fine. At some point, the age gap will probably play a part in ending it, at least this time. There’s nothing saying you two don’t remain friends and return to a second relationship after you’ve experienced your wild 20s!

My partner is a lot younger than me. But when we meet we were at similar life stages: she was starting a first career, and I was changing mine. Our age gap then was smaller, both absolutely and relatively, than yours.

Anything can work, but each red flag makes it less likely. If you're not after something serious, who gives a shit. If you are, be on high alert. Is he a man child? Is he controlling and finds young people easier to control? The latter is hard to find out before it becomes a problem.

I went on some dates (before I met my partner) with more similar gaps to what you're talking about, though still none so extreme (university town - more than half the people I dated back then were staff or students at the university). It became obvious to me that while these people were nice and smart and funny, it was going to be difficult to have a long term relationship, practically, because of that difference in life stage.

That is close to the difference between me and my partners youngest sister. I still pretty much see her as a child. You are younger than her.

😳☝️👇🛑🚨💅🥀

Big red flag? Maybe, probably, I would say that it depends mostly on who hit on who and how it went from there.

As the older guy I would feel really really weird in that situation, but I'm older than that.

Anyway, I have many friends that in their early twenties hit on older men, it's not that uncommon. So I would say that if it was your idea and you feel safe, go ahead, have fun.

Unless you want to be used by an older man for sex or groomed to serve a naturally abusive personality profile, bail. But if you don't bail, consider therapy.