Ask Lemmy

A door-to-door salesman knocks on the door of a farm and a small boy opens the door.

“Hi kid, is your father at home?”

“No, he’s in the hospital”

“I’m so sorry, what happened?”

“He got run over by a tractor”

“That’s terrible! Is your mom at home then?”

“No, she’s also in the hospital.”

“What happened to her?”

“Got run over by a tractor as well”

“Then who’s looking after you?”

“Well, my aunt and uncle did until they got run over by a tractor”

“How horrible, so you are here all alone?”

“Yes. Everyone’s been run over by a tractor”

“So what do you do here all day all by yourself?”

“Not much, just riding around on a tractor”

One of my old gristly boomer Uber passengers told me one recently that got a chuckle.

Husband says to wife that he discovered this great and natural way to make your cleavage bigger. She excitedly asked for the information. He says all you gotta do is rub some toilet paper down the middle a couple of times a day.

She was confused, but decided there'd be no harm in trying. After a couple weeks, she gets impatient and complains to her husband "I've been doing this for weeks, and there hasn't been any growth!" He replies with "It's not working? Damn, worked on your ass."

My printer died under suspicious circumstances. Epson didn't kill itself.

Edit: It's not actually my favorite but it's all that came to mind.

The last one i learned:

What does a Dutch man do when his team wins the Soccer World Cup?

He saves and switches off his PlayStation.

Have you ever noticed how all the vampire lore is based around Europe, but never in Africa?

It's because they bless the rains down in Africa.

Q: How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

A: One will see you later, and the other in a while.

Hi, I like dogs, do you have one?

I used to.

What happened?

I spilled spot remover on him, and he disappeared.

Yes I know and credit the talent of the author.

I have a joke about piping to /dev/null, but you wouldn't get it.

What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre

This is the story of Trevor

Trevor was born in a farmer family. His family had been farmers for at least 4 generations. In Trevor's first birthday, his dad gave him a toy tractor, hoping he'd carry on the family tradition. Trevor loved this tractor. He had other toys of course, some cars, some planes, but all of the others combined didn't get played with nearly as much as the tractor. So, for his third birthday, Trevor's dad got him a rideable plastic tractor. A new favorite toy was found.

Things went on much the same. Trevor helped out on the farm when he wasn't busy with school. He ended up showing quite a gifting as a mechanic, probably because of his lifelong and ever increasing obsession with tractors. His father didn't miss this obsession, and for Trevor's 18th birthday, after scraping money together for over a year, he got Trevor a second hand tractor. It was the best day of Trevor's life so far.

After that, Trevor started taking over a lot of the jobs around the farm. His tractor, despite its age, managed to hold its own compared to some newer, fancier factors. All was well, until one day, when he met a girl. This girl, Trevette, was perfect. Beautiful, kind, smart, and a perfect mesh with him. They hit it off immediately, and eventually Trevor worked up the courage to officially ask her out. It went well until he invited her back to his farm. Then she saw all the evidence of his tractor obsession.

"Trevor, this probably isn't healthy"

"What isn't?"

"All this tractor stuff. It's too much"

It took a lot of persuading. It even took an ultimatum. Trevor had to choose between Trevette or his tractors. Eventually, he chose Trevette. He kept his real tractors, because he needed them for his job, but everything else - the tractor sheets, the tractor toys, the tractor wallpaper - it all had to go. He eventually got over his loss, and asked Trevette to marry him

It was a beautiful wedding. And not a tractor in sight, causing much less sadness in Trevor than anyone who grew up with him would have expected. Everything was going perfectly, until the cake was meant to come out. Then suddenly smoke came pouring out of the kitchen. It quickly filled the whole room, setting off all the alarms and nearly choking everyone in the room. Then Trevor stood up, took a deep breath in, pulling all the smoke out of the air. He then walked to the front door, kicked it open, then blew all the smoke into the night air. Everyone was shocked. Trevette asked "Trevor, how did you do that?"

"Well," he said. "I'm an ex tractor fan"

A woman is deep in the throes of labor, bringing her first child into the world. “Push, push,” the doctor tells her as the baby’s head appears. “One more big one,” he exclaims; she cries out and obliges.

The doctor gently cradles the new arrival, moves to hand it to the mother, her tears of pain turning to tears of joy as she reaches for her baby. But suddenly, the doctor grasps it by the ankles and begins to bash it against the end table.

The mother screams, begs him to stop as he punches it, bites it, slams it against a wall. But her cries are ignored while he tosses around like a dog with a rat. Exhausted he finally hands it to her.

“I’m just foolin’. It was already dead.”

Many years ago when I did stand-up I tried to come up with a better take on the “dead baby joke”. The foundation isn’t mine, but the delivery was. It was one of my best bits and I get that it’s not funny in the classic sense but in the “Jesus Fucking Christ!” sense.

How do you keep a Mormon from drinking all the beer on your fishing trip?

Invite another Mormon.

(My family is Mormon and they also think this joke is hilarious)

My neighbours have made a sex tape. Of course, they don't know that yet.

Where does the king keep his armies?

in his sleevies!

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the street?

It is a two part joke and absolutely terrible. Still my favorite.

You wouldn’t get it.

Over 100 years old, my grandfather would slip snippets of it into casual conversation making my grandmother slap him and go "STOOOP!"

'Twas the Night of the King's Castration: the last of the Royal Balls was coming off. All the counts, discounts and no-'ccounts were sitting around the throne room slinging camel-shit, for in those days, bull-shit was not yet heard of.

A noise was heard in the courtyard and in came Daniel on his gallant white steed, with his balls slung over his shoulder. "What ho!" cried the King. "Ass-hole!" replied Daniel, thus scoring an early point for the common people.

At this, the Queen dashed madly through the court with her drawers at half-mast, and her ass shining like a looking-glass in the moonlight.

Hilarious now, the King offered Daniel the post of second-in-command. "But what of the Queen?" asked Daniel. "Oh, fuck the Queen!" replied the King, and 50,000 loyal courtiers were killed in the rush, for in those days the King's word was law, and the King ruled with an iron hand.

Upon seeing such mass slaughter, the King in exasperation exclaimed, "Oh, shit!"; and all 50,000 remaining loyal courtiers dropped their drawers and squatted on their haunches and strained and grunted in unison, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.

"Stop!" cried the Queen, thinking of the royal carpet. The King called "Halt!" and 49,999 loyal butt-holes snapped shut with a stately click, and 49,999 glistening turds were nipped, gently steaming in the morning air, all save for that of Daniel, who proceeded to lay one two cubits wide by one cubit high by three cubits long.

The King was sore affronted, and ordered Daniel thrown into the lions' den for three days and three nights, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.

And here was Daniel, in the midst of all those roaring, snarling beasts

but of course, you could easily recognize Daniel by the large green parasol that he always carried.

On the first day, the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, "Oh Queen, I am in need of some tea!" and the Queen asked, "What manner of tea?" Daniel replied, "C-U-N-T!" And the Queen departed.

On the second day the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, "Oh Queen, I am in need of some pills!" and the Queen asked, "What manner of pills?" Daniel replied, "NIP-PILLS!" And the Queen departed.

Again on the third day, the King came unto Daniel, but it had come to pass that on the morning of the third day, Daniel had shat a great shit, and the lions were sore affronted. Almost all of them had thenceforth kept their distance from Daniel. But one of the lions took a liking to Daniel's left nut, and began to munch upon it. "Oh, it tickles, it tickles!" cried Daniel. "What tickles?" asked the King. "TES-TICKLES!" roared Daniel, thereby scoring another point for the common people. Upon hearing this, all the ladies in the courtyard took out their tits and tittered.

Then the lion crouched as if to spring, but instead laid a big turd. This amused the King, and he ordered Daniel to come forth, but Daniel slipped on the lion's turd and came fifth, thus utterly losing the race. This angered Daniel so greatly that he picked up the lion turd and, with menacing accuracy, hurled it at random. Random, being a crafty little bugger, ducked, and the turd hit the King full in the eye.

Now, this made the King exceedingly angry, whereupon he inquired, "Where's the Queen?" "Milord, she is on the Royal Crapper." "And is she well-supplied with paper?" "Milord, she has forty reams of the finest linen." "It is good," said the King. "And where's the Princess?" "Oh, she's upstairs in bed with laryngitis." "Not that fucking Greek again!" cried Daniel.

This amused the King and he spake, "Oh, fuck the Princess!" and another 40,000 loyal courtiers were trampled to death in the rush, for in those days the King's word was law, and the King ruled with an iron hand, and besides, the Princess was a comely wench. This made the King exceeding angry, but the Queen only said, "Well, I'll be fucked!"

more in hope than in indignation. But nobody moved, save a solitary senile seneschal, quietly masturbating in a corner into a silver teaspoon, and Daniel, who, taking her at her word, grabbed the Queen by her butt-cheeks and slipped her onto his dick like a well-worn jackboot.

Later in the evening the King entered the Royal Boudoir and beheld the Queen lying on the bed, clad only in Nature's attire. "Roll over, Queen!" ordered the King. "I'll be fucked if I will!" shouted the Queen. "You will at that," observed the King, "but you'll be corn-holed if you won't!" Hearing this, the Queen shat a gold brick, for in those days a square ass-hole was a symbol of royalty.

When the King saw this, he cried, "Balls!"; not because he had to, but because he had two. And the Queen replied, "Balls!? If I had two, I could be King!"

Whereupon the King, having partaken of over-ripe olives, hied himself to the innermost part of his kingdom and proceeded to shit buttermilk for three days, and thereafter was forever known as King Dairy-Ass, throughout the world.

Blaming Daniel for his digestive discomfort the King sentenced Daniel to wander in the wilderness for forty days and forty nights, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.

And so it came to pass that Daniel wandered in the wilderness for many a long day and many a long night. But in the evening of his thirteenth day in the wilderness, Daniel was set upon by bandits! Not, as you might at first surmise, ordinary bandits, but Mexican bandits. Nor, as you might at second surmise, ordinary Mexican bandits, but Mexican bum-bandits, who debagged him, scragged him, and shagged him, and left him with his pockets jingling, and his ass-hole tingling.

Months went by before the Queen came unto Daniel. "Oh Daniel, I am heavy with child. What steps are to be taken?" "Fuckin' big ones!" replied Daniel as he vanished over the Southern horizon.

Poop jokes. Okay, well... They're not actually my very favorite. But they're number 2!

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. He was getting a lot of funny looks over his attire, but finally the bartender breaks the ice.

"Sir, what's with the wheel sticking out of your pants?"

"Aargh, it's been drivin' me nuts!"

"Mother Superior, we've discovered a case of syphilis!"

"Oh wonderful! I was getting tired of the Chablis..."

One of my favorite classic one:
-What is red, makes a rumbling noise, and is hard to swallow?
-A tractor.

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To show his girlfriend he had guts.

What is not my absolute favorite joke. He tries really hard when he plays.

What's on second, Who's on first, and I Don't Know's on third.

mr ducks.

-- mr not ducks.

osar ducks, cdedbd wings.

-- whl al b, da r too ducks.