Ask Lemmy

I have had almost zero luck with love. I've had one relationship and it was kinda toxic. I've somewhat given up.

I can tell you what I would ideally like in a partner, should I luck into a relationship. I want someone with some similar interests but maybe some different interests too so maybe they'll introduce me to something new. I want us to have similar morals and values. I want us to encourage each other in our ambitions and praise each other's accomplishments. I want us to be thoughtful and anticipate each other's needs. I want us to both be able to tell the other when they are wrong and hold eachother accountable. Everything I want in a partner, I want to reciprocate and do the same for them.

I am a romantic, even with my societal and interpersonal issues (i have Avoidant Personality Disorder - not the same as avoidant attachment style), and i always made sure to live that when in a relationship - my ex-wife is still talking about the birthday where i filled our whole living room with helium balloons overnight to surprise her or financed her piano, and my presents were always well thought out and had both a practical and an emotional component. (She was always the one who made regular presents to her friends, but found her own ideas not creative enough)

I seek closeness, acceptance, the feeling that you can do anything together if you wanted, but also enough trust and distance that you are not forced to so. The times i felt love the most after a few years were when watching over her when she fell asleep after giving her a foot massage (that was somewhat of an guaranteed "off"-switch for her, she wasn't able to keep her eyes open after a short while because it relaxed her so much lol). I could've watched her face for hours, even near the end of our relationship.

We separated because her feelings weren't the same as before after a few very hard years marked by illness and me becoming addicted to my painkillers, even if i did everything i could to get away from them and came clean to her after a while, the damage of hiding and lying had been done. The addiction made me distance myself from her. She never had done any drugs except a few drinks in her life (while i have tried a ton of shit from weed over sniffing butane to MDMA, cocaine and finally my doctors introduced me to the "wonderful" world of opiates) so she wasn't able to relate to the experience and the difficulty of letting go of a feeling that was such intensive bliss, switching off all my insecurities by falling into an warm void, that nothing compared at all.

We are still in contact and i still have a lot of feelings for her, which makes it harder for me to keep communicating, but I know that things will never be the same again because i betrayed her trust, willingly or not. This in combination with my sincere wish that she has the good life she deserves made it easier for me to let her go, which is rooted in my romantic disposition.

This became much longer and much more personal than i thought it would be, but i stand by what i wrote. Romantic love gave me over a decade of loving relationship, the pain of losing her, and the resolve to make sure she can live the life she deserves.

"It's better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all."

My take specifically?

I think romantic love is hugely over valued in modern western society (and western media then influences globally so this has become the dominant mainstream outlook).

There's far less value in love for parents, kids, friends, etc. So much is expected of a romantic partner to "be all things". Lover, best friend, therapist, life coach, professional support. The fulfillment people used to get from extended families, local communities, religious group, work socialising, etc have all fallen away and all of this falls on their romantic partner now. I wonder if this is contributing to the high divorce and separation rates.

Romantic love is great and I don't mean to say that nothing should be expected of it; but they Disney parody of love is madness. The performative nature that social media has added is even more insane.

I enjoy some analysis of relationships on a couple of channels in my media feed. "School of Life" and "Cinema Therapy" (both on YouTube) are particularly good. The idea of coming together as 2 highly flawed individuals with all our human failings (as we all are), and supporting and forgiving each other through that, yet having realistic expectations of what to ask if a relationship. No Disney fantasies, no performative bullshit, no trad-life bullshit.

Honestly? Friendship plus sex/lust/physical love. I care for my husband as a friend and we enjoy each other sexually, that's the romantic element.

There are other aspects to our marriage of course, we plan together and have a family and financial alliance, all the old stuff marriage was for, I guess. Except procreation, we each brought our own kids but now they are also each others' family and allies. But the romantic piece to me is the part related to sex.

And I lean much more towards an opposite/complementary partner not someone like me. We are quite different but so strong together.

Peace and quiet is my love language. If they're willing to sit around and just cuddle or even sleep that's my goddamn heaven.

Her happiness is a part of my own.

And that is a choice I made.

I don't anymore. The negative consequences outweigh the positives and have for some time.

I have in the past. I've always just wanted a nice relationship with a stable person who has common goals with me and maybe we have a few kids and pets. I never met that person, just a lot of folks who don't have the same goals, were unstable, and who hated kids/pets. Had a few long term partners who also straight up lied to me for months/years about these things thinking I would 'give up' and take 'their side' on the issue.

And I still run into those people all the time, but I no longer pursue them romantically because it's pointless to relationship someone who hates the things you love, unless you want to be miserable.

I still daydream and go out on the occasional date hoping I'll meet someone who is compatible and whom I can love, but I haven't felt strong romantic feelings towards anyone in a decade. Many folks I meet in a romantic context lately straight up disgust me, and at best they seem like nice people I'm not attracted to.

Falling in love is something that you recognise by contrast. You are excited to just spend time with that someone in a way that transcends your feelings towards others. I remember leaving work and just being so happy that I was on my way home to see my wife and family.

I have a strong belief that love is the time you spend with or thinking about someone else.

If you strive to spend time with someone and enjoy them, that is one form of love.

Its a cultural paradigm we overlay on top of the hormonal responses we've developed over milennia, in order to reproduce and then give our offspring the best chance at doing the same.

As evidence I'll suggest that even today's cultures have different concepts of "love", but this is especially true as you look back through history.

What's there to say about it? Being with someone, your best friend and also your (perhaps fundamentally somewhat incomprehensible) better half completes you. Not just emotionally speaking, but also ideologically and psychologically. Passively and actively, being with someone who you know cares deeply about you and wants you around for as long as possible makes you change for the better. Sometimes, that means just learning that women and men are different, and that you two are different, and that your preferences and annoyances are not universal and then you learn that many times people have compromised to make you happy and as such, you have to do it as well. Sometimes, it means reassessing your entire worldview and coming to terms with some psychological problems you didn't know you had but need to be addressed and treated.

Basically, romantic love is not just sweet and, to the vast majority of people, necessary for eudaimonia, but it's also a conduit for personal growth, a development you can't really have elsewhere, you kinda gotta share your life with someone in that capacity to make it happen.

PS: and oh yeah, on some level you kinda have to be different, mainly so you don't have the same blind spots. Everyone is incomplete (in many ways), it's better to be with someone who fills many gaps.

From the title I at first thought you were talking about metaphysical vs natural processes with emotions. Sounds more like your asking people about relationships. I mean first off I had a type and my long time wife was not my type. Relationship wise I just sorta went with it but I felt at the one year point should decide if its going anywhere or not. For myself I have to feel loved and I have to see a future. I know I dated a girl at one time where I felt like I just met her certain bars or bullet points and basically any guy would do who had the minimums and was willing to be in a relationship with her. Add to that I thought about trying to teach and she laughed that off as a silly thing to do (would likely be less money). My wife as I said is sorta not the type I thought of being attracted to. In many ways we are opposited but I like to think of it as we offset each others weaknesses. We have some very important similarities though in moral type of ways. When it comes down to it I hit the time points and it felt right. I think the same with her.

That it's made up. I don't think it's actually an emotion that can be viscerally experienced.

Of course i can google and see plenty of evidence that I'm wrong, but that's not what you asked for.

In my opinion, love is more of a willpower and discipline thing. If i made a choice to work together, listen, help, share my life with another person. Then it's up to me to uphold that decision as well. Technically it could work with anyone whos willing to make and uphold that decision as well.

I'm pretty simple, I sought someone politically and physically compatible, with excellent chemistry as a friend, partner, and lover. I love my spouse with all my heart.